Last month, just before Father's Day, I went to get E's pictures done at Picture People. It's one of those places where you go in and register with one person, then a different person takes your pictures, then a third person shows you your pictures. The place was in the mall, and they put E right in the front of the store, so people were walking past pointing and smiling at her. I felt, at that moment, like a very proud momma. I felt better than proud... I felt blessed, which is a feeling that lingers around lately. I don't think about it all the time, but I know that I'm lucky to have my daughter. I know that our struggle could have had even more challenges, and that some people don't get to where we are. I was reminded of this on that day in June.
I was in the waiting area after the photos were taken, when a girl who had to have been somewhere around my age - late 20s, early 30s - came to show me to the screen where she'd be showing me my pictures and choosing a package to buy. We were going through them all and sort of out of the blue she said to me "We tried, but it's just not that easy and we ended up adopting". I guess I was a little taken aback just because it came out of the clear blue sky, and was so personal and I'd never met her before. She also said it in sort of a way like I should feel lucky. I don't know how to explain that. I guess it was her expression, one that I'm all too familiar with, of how it hurts to struggle with infertility. I don't know if I said the right thing back to her. My response was "Oh believe me, I know. She's an IVF baby". I said it sort of nonchalantly because to me, I have nothing to hide. I'm proud that we did IVF. And I guess I sort of felt like it would be nice for her to know that I struggled, too. That there are others who understand, at least somewhat. She gave me sort of an incredulous look and didn't say another word. And I'm not sure why. I guess I hope I didn't offend her. I know that when I was struggling, I met a woman on a plane with twins. We sat next to each other and somehow it came out that they were conceived through IVF. And througout the journey (and to this day) I think of her as a beacon of hope. As someone I share something with... I don't know.
Maybe it's stupid. I don't know. But now every time I see a couple around my age without a baby I wonder if they're struggling. I want to tell them I've felt their pain. That there's hope. Obviously I can't just walk around telling strangers "Hey, not sure if you're trying to conceive or not, but just in case you're struggling, I did, too!". But I feel like I'm on the other side now... to them at least. I wonder if people look at me and think "Why does she have a baby and I don't". Because I know I used to think that pretty much every day.
I guess I don't know what this post was for... but I wish I could grab people who are struggling with infertility and don't have any support, and tell them that everything they're feeling is OK. I know there are so many who don't have a support system like I had, and I can't imagine going through that alone. I want to be a beacon of hope, and I'm not sure that I was for that girl in the Picture People. I guess I'll never know, but I hope that I did something positive. Or that I'll get the chance to for others in the future. I hate infertility. I have a child, but I will always hate the struggle. For anyone who has to endure it.
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