Over The Edge

I am SO tired of being made to feel like something is wrong with me becuase I'm formula feeding and had a C-Section. STOP PUSHING YOUR IDEALS ON ME. Walk a day in someone else's shoes for God's sakes. If you were 37 weeks pregnant and your kidneys were failing maybe you'd want your baby out too. Yes, I want a healthy baby, and we tested her amniotic fluid to make sure her lungs were mature first. But MY BABY NEEDS A MOTHER. We tried an induction and it failed, and pardon me for not wanting to die.

I tried BF for 2 weeks. It didn't work. I had to start back on life-saving medications. DEAL WITH IT. You are not a better mother than me, and you don't care more for your child than me because you breastfeed. I gave her what I could and then she had to go on formula. So I could remain alive to be her mother.

I swear to God I just want to punch people sometimes. Everyone should be allowed to make their own choices for their family without being made to feel second-class or shameful because of it. No one knows everyone's reasons for doing what they do. I'm a good mom, and if you think my having a c-section makes me less of one, you can kiss my ass.

And just for the record this "you" is euphemistic. I hear this shit everywhere I go. Facebook, blogs, message boards, and I'm over it. I swear to God the same people pushing these ideals are the ones who get pissed if someone preaches about God or something. Whatever you're preaching about, you're still preaching. And it's still annoying.

Tumbling

I started a Tumblr, for no other reason than I really like to talk about my kid, and sometimes I don't want to write long, drawn-out posts. It's not particularly interesting, but if you want to see it anyway, it's here:

http://wordslikeswords.tumblr.com/

It's mostly random thoughts.

A Weekend Adventure in Parenting and Mommyhood

We've had an interesting weekend. Filled with lots of this:

My kid sure is happy. Unless she's tired when she gets extremely cranky, but most of the time it's all smiles. Or this:

Oh yeah. She looks like me now. Sweet. Saturday we went out to dinner. It was an ordeal. It started out great. We went to an aquarium store and looked at all the fishies (and said repeatedly that I needed a saltwater tank!). My parents were there, so she got some good Popi time. They loved her skinny jeans. I hate skinny jeans. They were a gift, but looked so freaking cute on her:

We then went to dinner at Joe's Crab Shack. Or tried. It's near a mall that was crowded and awful. The wait we were quoted was 1.5 hours. E was great until it hit about 8:00 when she got super cranky. I was ready to just hit the road when I put her in the car seat and she passed out peacefully and happily. And our name was called! 45 minutes. Not too bad, right? She slept blissfully through dinner, during which I got one of these:

because I needed it after the stressful time getting there. It was good. My parents drove. I wasn't drunk. Or anywhere close to it. It was probably the loudest restaurant ever, but she was great. And I thought she might wake up for a while at home, but I transferred her to the rock n play, gave her a 2oz bottle, and she was asleep within about 10 minutes, and slept until 6:30, which lately has been "sleeping in". Clearly she doesn't realize her mom is not a morning person. At least she had the decency to wait until 6 this morning. She's been doing this torturous 5:30 thing that I just can't handle. She needs to read all those baby books that say she needs "at least" 10 hours!

And then yesterday this happened:

And this is not one of those "quick grab the picture before she falls" pictures. She leans over propped up on her hands all the time. But really far over. I discovered yesterday that if you call her name or she sees something interesting, she'll push herself up into a more realistic sitting position like this one. She can sit like that for maybe 20 seconds or so. Depending on what she finds interesting. I believe this was Strawberry Shortcake.

Recently I've had to kind of read her mind to figure out what she wants. Yesterday was fun trying to guess why she was crying. It ended up mostly being that she was tired. She spent 99% of the day happy, but she took 5 naps (30-45 minutes). So she'd fuss a half hour after waking up and I'd try everything until I realized she was just still tired. And she's decided she wants to be sitting up all the time. Even if she can't hold herself up. So I took to holding her in a sitting position to play with her toys. I give it two weeks before she's doing it herself, though. This kid wants to be a part of everything. Being on your back is for suckers. Sitting is where it's at. And she hates being strapped into the rock n play because she wants to be sitting and looking around and doing her own thing. I really need to get her some toys for sitters because this whole laying down batting at things gig is getting to be too juvenile lol. She's ready for some big kid stuff!

I'm glad that I listen to my own instincts. My mom keeps saying not to push her to do things, but I knew she could sit up on her own, and because I trusted myself, I got to see it for the first time. I don't want to miss anything with this kid. 

A and I got into a huge argument this morning. His job is the worst thing ever. I mean, maybe not literally, but it's quite close to it. It's like a marriage destroyer. And he's pretty much always on the brink of snapping at me. And since I can be totally and completely antagonistic (like this morning) it's not a good situation. My husband needs a break from the hell that is Decisive Communications, and I need 5 minutes to go to the bathroom by myself. Together, we need to get the loan DONE for this house so we can move. We're not going to make it through a whole lot more Decisive (I say with only the tiniest hint of seriousness. We are struggling, but we know it's not US. It's the stress of a new baby and a job in hell). We'll be OK. A just needs a Xanax or 4, and I need to sleep past 6:30. And E needs nothing, because she has everything her little heart desires, and more love than any little girl could ever hope for. And it's going to stay that way!

Rest

I went to bed after ten last night! I'm so incredibly proud of myself. I knew having a baby would cause some disruptions, but I didn't realize it would completely take my nighttime away! I LOVE nights. I always have, and though I'm not staying up until 2+am, at least it's something. It took a while to get E to sleep last night (and I think "a while" by my standards would be someone else's dream) after her bottle. She took the bottle and then swung her head back and forth for 20 minutes until I finally got her all the way to sleep. Then I sat and read my kindle for another ten or so, picked up the monitor, and headed downstairs. She absolutely hates not being able to get to sleep. She did that kicky feet squealy thing she's been doing because she's excited, and then her eyes would shut, then they'd shoot open. She'd whine here and there. But once she was asleep she was out like a light. I checked on her a few times, but she was extremely peaceful, so I got a shower (which is a new awesome thing - not having to wait for A to come home for a shower. When she was in the living room in the rock n play I couldn't just leave her unattended, but in her room with the door shut and the video monitor I can peak at every 3 seconds, I feel much better) then read for about an hour and a half. Checked on her a few more times (no spit up) then headed to bed! She slept from about 7:45-6.

Apparently she's been sleeping for over an hour with my mom, and she took a 2.5 hour nap yesterday. Could it be she's actually napping better? She seems to sleep well on her back propped up on a pillow on a soft surface like a bed or couch. Unfortunately she can't sleep like that without someone next to her (no pillows - no soft surfaces!) so I'm trying to figure out how to get her to do that in her crib or pack n play. She's OK on her back, so I'm not sure what the difference is (though it's probably my unwillingness to let her cry herself to sleep for a nap. I'll let her fuss but not cry). When I put her in the crib she cries, but on the couch my mom just sits with her until she passes out. Can't really do that with the crib so maybe that's it.

Anyway, I'm a little tired, but feel pretty good. 8 full hours of sleep is a good number for me I think. I'd love 10. or 12. But I feel rested physically and emotionally from getting 2 hours to do my own thing last night. I miss my sweet girl so much though, and I can't wait to get home and see her. I know one day something is going to interrupt our happy nights of E sleeping 10 hours and me sleeping 8... but I hope it's not for a while and I hope it's not permanent. We're in such a good pattern for us. And I love patterns and schedules!

Lots of Good Things!

Another weekend is gone, and we're another weekend closer to E turning 5 months old. I can't believe she will be 5 months in just 4 days. I really feel like I just posted about 4 months maybe yesterday. 

Things are getting really interesting in our lives right now. E is still a high energy baby. It's adorable, but what it means is mostly that she screams all day long. Not cries, just screams to hear herself talk. She LOVES talking (though mommy won't complain when she learns to do it at a lower volume). She's woken up the last two nights laughing and kicking at 4:50 and 3am, respectively. I think this is a response to my mild sleep training. She's saying "Well ok. I'll get myself back to sleep, but I have to wake up first to do that, so there". I'm just kidding, but that's how it feels. I really don't need much in the way of sleep training. E's great. For the most part, she sleeps through the night, but sometimes she wakes up once or twice in that first hour. What I started doing since she's now in her own room, is going in to check on her, making sure she hasn't spit up, giving her a kiss and some smiles, and then leaving. I watch her on the video monitor and she's usually back asleep within 5-10 minutes. Thank the Lord above she doesn't cry. I don't know if I could handle it. She does absolutely minimal fussing (she turns her head from side to side and once every 30 seconds or so she makes a little noise) and I already feel horrible for not grabbing her up. But I know I'm doing the right thing for her because she needs to learn to put herself back to sleep. Unfortunately she has woken up the last two nights. I still give her a bottle when this happens because.. hey.. she's not even 5 months old. And I figure she sleeps through the night most of the time, so if she's waking up there must be a reason. I hope I'm not encouraging a bad pattern, but normally she has 2 or 3 nights a week she wakes up, so hopefully she has just had them in a row.

We had the inspection on our house and it went pretty well, so barring an issue with our loan or the well and septic, we should be moving in next month! I can't wait to put in our kitchen and paint everything. I'm so excited for us to have more space for cool toys now that E is about to be using more of them. Why do I say that? Oh, just because she's starting to sit unassisted! No joke. Yesterday I had her lying on the floor and I held on to her hands and together we got her to a sitting position. She propped herself up on her hands and sat there. She was leaning forward, but she was balanced, and not completely folded over like a taco. I think in the next few weeks she'll be a pro, and looking for toys she can play with sitting instead of on her back. I can't wait! She's getting so much more tactile. I read her a v-tech story that lights up the other night and she was touching it and "talking" when it sang. She loves touching things that light up, so I'm going to get her a music table and some other fun things. So far, she's undecided about the Johnny jump-up....

But she does still love tv. Her eyes are such a cool color, and I'm starting to wonder if they'll stay that color as they haven't changed since birth. They look brown in distant pictures, but they're actually a dark blue-grey, and she's coming up on 6 months (way too fast) so anything's possible. Genetically it is. I used a punent square. I'm a nerd.

We've been seeing mostly this face lately:

She smiles for the camera now. I love that smile more than anything on earth. She's such a happy baby. The guy at the inspection kept commenting on how alert and happy she was. Everyone does!

Next weekend my mom and dad are taking E for the night so A and I can go on a date and sleep in some. I feel better about it now because by the time we drop her off it's almost bed time, and she sleeps in her own room anyway, so she won't be like "hey where's mom?". Plus my mom will get to sleep since E does. I just need to catch up on some sleep. It's not that I don't get any, but I'm not meant to be up at 6 every day. I just need a day to sleep until 8 or 9. Then we're going to go see her and cuddle then go to the movies with my dad early, then spend the rest of the day with her (and the next day! Yay weekends off for A!). Our relationship has improved so much lately, but we still need a little time alone. I miss her like CRAZY when I'm not with her, but she'd be sleeping for most of it, so it's not so bad. And we need to keep our relationship strong. That's definitely in her best interest.

Pluuuuus the weekend after that we're going away together! We're hitting the beach Friday-Monday. I'm working a half day early, then we're driving down to the beach (I'm sure with a few stops for E to eat and be cranky lol). The goal is just to get there before bed time, get checked in and settled in, put her to bed, then sit on our oceanfront balcony. We'll go to the beach Saturday and Sunday and sit in the wet sand where the water just laps up to her little feet and make sandcastles. Sand is a new texture for her! I'm ordering a tent so she can be out of the sun for the most part. We'll probably dip her little feet in, but I won't go out with her past my knees 'cause I don't want to get knocked over with her!!!! I hope she loves the water as much as we do. And I hope the Small swim diapers work because they are for 16 pounds and she's... well.. not.

Man how exciting times are with our sweet little one. Moving into a house, going to the beach... then holidays coming up? Everything is a million times better with her. I am so in love. And so thankful to God for our miracle.

A Random Occurrence in Infertility

Last month, just before Father's Day, I went to get E's pictures done at Picture People. It's one of those places where you go in and register with one person, then a different person takes your pictures, then a third person shows you your pictures. The place was in the mall, and they put E right in the front of the store, so people were walking past pointing and smiling at her. I felt, at that moment, like a very proud momma. I felt better than proud... I felt blessed, which is a feeling that lingers around lately. I don't think about it all the time, but I know that I'm lucky to have my daughter. I know that our struggle could have had even more challenges, and that some people don't get to where we are. I was reminded of this on that day in June.

I was in the waiting area after the photos were taken, when a girl who had to have been somewhere around my age - late 20s, early 30s - came to show me to the screen where she'd be showing me my pictures and choosing a package to buy. We were going through them all and sort of out of the blue she said to me "We tried, but it's just not that easy and we ended up adopting". I guess I was a little taken aback just because it came out of the clear blue sky, and was so personal and I'd never met her before. She also said it in sort of a way like I should feel lucky. I don't know how to explain that. I guess it was her expression, one that I'm all too familiar with, of how it hurts to struggle with infertility. I don't know if I said the right thing back to her. My response was "Oh believe me,  I know. She's an IVF baby". I said it sort of nonchalantly because to me, I have nothing to hide. I'm proud that we did IVF. And I guess I sort of felt like it would be nice for her to know that I struggled, too. That there are others who understand, at least somewhat. She gave me sort of an incredulous look and didn't say another word. And I'm not sure why. I guess I hope I didn't offend her. I know that when I was struggling, I met a woman on a plane with twins. We sat next to each other and somehow it came out that they were conceived through IVF. And througout the journey (and to this day) I think of her as a beacon of hope. As someone I share something with... I don't know.

Maybe it's stupid. I don't know. But now every time I see a couple around my age without a baby I wonder if they're struggling. I want to tell them I've felt their pain. That there's hope. Obviously I can't just walk around telling strangers "Hey, not sure if you're trying to conceive or not, but just in case you're struggling, I did, too!". But I feel like I'm on the other side now... to them at least. I wonder if people look at me and think "Why does she have a baby and I don't". Because I know I used to think that pretty much every day.

I guess I don't know what this post was for... but I wish I could grab people who are struggling with infertility and don't have any support, and tell them that everything they're feeling is OK. I know there are so many who don't have a support system like I had, and I can't imagine going through that alone. I want to be a beacon of hope, and I'm not sure that I was for that girl in the Picture People. I guess I'll never know, but I hope that I did something positive. Or that I'll get the chance to for others in the future. I hate infertility. I have a child, but I will always hate the struggle. For anyone who has to endure it.

What a (waste of a) Weekend

Weekends are a great time in my household. I love having two days where I can wake up with my girl and not have to leave her. This weekend I also had two days I could wake up with my husband! For once he didn't work, and it was great, but we sort of wasted the weekend by accident. We tried to go see his family, but the visit sucked, so we came home less than 24 hours later (way less). Then A and E had a horrendous day Monday. A kept saying it was her reflux because she cried all day long and he kept calling me for support. When I got home he was holding her and she was screaming... until she saw me and stopped instantly. I took her from him and I could tell she was upset, but I got the feeling it wasn't reflux. It's not like "Hey, mom's home so I'm happy" but "Hey, mom's home, maybe she knows how to help me". I felt so bad for Andy. He was so sad that she didn't cry for me. But the fact is, I DID know what the problem was. She was tired, and that's it. So I rushed her into the car and she slept for about 40 minutes and woke up a brand new baby. It turned out she'd only slept a total of an hour the whole day. A had tried, but just could not get her to sleep. I'm proud of my mom instinct for knowing what the problem was, but I stll feel bad that A wanted so much to help her and couldn't. I think she could pick up on how frustrated he was. The day started out terribly because we had a pen explode in the dryer all over her clothes and the dryer itself. Then she was cranky. Poor A. All he wants is to have a good day with her and play and be able to calm her down. I always tell him that for the first 8 weeks I was home with her (all day and night, every day and night) the same thing happened all the time because I didn't know what to do and couldn't tell what was wrong. It takes time and practice, and I'm proud that I have a husband who wants to take the time and get to know how to take care of her! He can't be expected to get everything perfect on 1 day a week. He's so hard on himself. But they'll figure each other out.

One positive thing that happened this weekend is we put E in her room on Sunday night. It took a bit to get her to sleep, and I was a nervous wreck even with the video monitor, but we did it and it was OK. Actually it was sort of (REALLY) nice to be able to watch tv and move around and talk without worrying about waking her. I feel like I could have some real "me" time with E in her room. And maybe keep the house cleaner! The only scary part was when I woke up in the middle of the night and the monitor had died. I should have realized that with a screen that's always on it wouldn't have much battery life. She was OK, but I moved her into my room at 2AM. But we both survived, so I'm willing to try it again, just plugging the monitor in this time!

Here are a million pictures I took of E this weekend. Two of them are just to showcase her amazing eyes/eyelashes.

Like this one:

And this one. Her eyes are still a beautiful grey/blue. I think they're going to turn hazel, but A's mom's eyes are blue hazel, which is unique. They're blue with a tiny bit of brown, so she might get that. Or she'll have green with brown like A and I have.

This is E showcasing her new fun thing to do: sit! Whenever she's propped up, be it on the rock n play or the boppy, she pulls herself to a sitting position... like a baby sit-up. In the picture below she did that all by herself. Then she propped her arm on the boppy so she could stay this way for a bit without my help. She's so freaking smart. And she's going to be sitting on her own soon!

Gratuitous cuteness. I was sitting in the back seat on our long drive to Philly. She liked that.

One of my two favorite new things she does. She was actually petting the cat. Rubbing her hand back and forth along her fur.

And I have another favorite thing (you're shocked, I know!). Whenever I'm holding her and someone leans down to talk to her (stranger, family.. whoever) she just stares for a second, and then breaks into this HUGE smile and makes this "huh" sound that's her half-laugh happy sound. It's so freaking cute. She just LOVES people and new faces. And that smile.. oh my gosh. She's the best thing ever.

Oh, PS: I'm going to regret saying this when she wakes up 15 times tonight, but she's back to mostly sleeping through the night. She seems to be sleeping through the night 2/3 days... 7:30 or 8 to 6 or 6:30. On the third day she'll get up once to eat. I'm not sure why she was up so much for those two days last week, but hopefully this is her "normal".

Quality Time

I love holidays. I like to celebrate, but I love getting a paid day off work. And holidays are even better now because I get to spend an extra whole day with E. Yesterday was, of course, a holiday, so I got to wake up to my little girl and hang out all day. Plus her daddy didn't have to leave for work until 2, so we got in some family time! I love watching her face in the morning when he comes down and sits in front of her. When she realizes it's her daddy she lights up and laughs and smiles. It's totally a heart-melter. I can see his love for her growing constantly as he spends more time with her. She's growing up so fast and I'm glad his schedule is allowing him to see her a bit more often. Pretty soon she'll be sitting on her own (as of now I just have to hold her arms a little to steady her).

She's still really weird when it comes to sleep. It feels like she's either sleeping through the night (10 hours or so) or waking up every few. I don't know why that is. Perhaps her version of the 4 month wakeful? It's manageable, but I was super tired this morning after she woke up at 1, 4, and 5. I'm still feeding her when she wakes up, but I think I need to stop and just let her get back to sleep, because she's old enough now, and sleeps through the night every other night, so I don't think she NEEDS food. Plus, she actually ate apples today when my mom gave them to her. She said I must have been practicing (which is funny since yesterday she kept spitting them out and making a face like 'this is the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life') because she took them so well. And by apples, I of course mean applesauce - Gerber's variety.

She's taking much more interested in toys these days. Here she is with her caterpillar. Up close, it looks like she's saying "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO!?" up in his face...

...but she was actually trying to eat him. Which is probably even more terrifying for a caterpillar minding his own business.

We're headed over tonight to sign the papers for our new house! Which means if the inspections go well we'll be moving in a month. So I get my new kitchen! And E gets to spend more time with this guy...

... my father, who she has completely wrapped around her finger. He is just so in love with this child... even though she spit up all over him (see above). I think she just likes to throw up on men because she does this to her daddy, too.

Yep. Things are rolling right along in E's discovery land. I'm not sure who enjoys some of these new things more - her or me! I have even taken to watching Octonauts in the mornings because I she likes it. I'm loving this stage for her. She's incredibly fussy when she's tired, but otherwise she's all smile and I certainly can't complain about that. Yesterday we spent a long time in the grocery store while E was wide awake, and it was totally painless. She fussed for about 2 seconds. I'd love her sleep to be more consistent, but hey, at least every other night I get a full night! And sometimes more often. This weekend she'll be sleeping in the rock n play in her room. I'm a little scared about this, but A will be home, so we'll take turns checking on her, and I have a video monitor, too. I hope she likes it because it's hard being so quiet with her in the living room!

I hope this house thing works out, too. I'm so excited to be closer to my friends. And to get out of where we live now! Fingers crossed and prayers said...

New Experiences!

It has become very clear to me that my big girl is growing up even faster than I could have imagined. She amazes me every single day with some new accomplishment. Things are constantly changing, and there are the not-so-great things, like forgetting how to fall asleep on her own (I don't even know where to begin addressing this issue. She's always fussed a bit but gotten herself to sleep. Then one day it was tough for her, and I need to nip this in the bud before it becomes a real problem). But then there are wonderful things like downing rice cereal like it's her job. She's started taking real spoons and actually swallowing. My mom fed her last night and almost nothing got on her face! Tomorrow we're going to try some applesauce.

But aside from the wonderful, and the not-so-wonderful, there are things that just come out of the blue and make my heart pitter-patter in my chest a little!

Yesterday I came home early from work because E was having a mini melt-down. It turned out she'd just cried for a few minutes and fallen asleep, but I was having my own melt-down, and I needed to be home. When I got there I sat on the couch with A, and picked E up and laid down and let her sit on my belly and look around. She LOVES doing that. Well at this time our cat, Rio, came up to try to snuggle. E has been noticing the cats for about 2 weeks, but just trying to figure out what they are. She's shown interest, but no real reaction. Last night, however, as soon as Rio jumped up, E's face lit up and she laughed (or squealed. It's the same thing to her). She was loving watching the kitty! She had her hands balled up but I extended her arm to Rio's fur, and she started flexing and balling her fingers in the kitty's fur! She was petting her of her own accord! It has to be one of the cutest things I've ever seen. She was absolutely delighted, albeit confused by the way the fur felt. It was a new texture to her. Rio's tail kept brushing E's face and she'd make these cute little faces. It was definitely one of my favorite moments so far. I think in a few months she'll be ready to see all the animals at the zoo!

She did another sweet thing last night, too. I was getting her ready for bed and I had her lying on the bed so I could snuggle and tickle her, and I put my face down and she kept reaching up for me. My mom said "She's trying to touch your face!" and I realized she was! So I put my head down more and she started touching my face, and then she pulled my glasses off! It was so cute! I can't get over how interested she is in everything these days. This kid is just the absolute best thing ever.

Sleep. For The Love of God, Sleep.

Ahh, the weekend. Most times I wish it would never end, but we had a rough weekend this time around. E got her shots on Thursday and she did OK Thursday night, so I thought we were out of the woods. Unfortunately, she developed a fever on Friday and though she was mostly OK during the day, the night was a different story. She was very uncomfortable and up on and off all night long. A was home and helping me, but we probably got about 3 hours of sleep. She was great Saturday night, but last night... wow. I want to say she had the most epic meltdown she's ever had. She was extremely tired and absolutely could not put herself to sleep. She screamed and cried and thrashed for at least an hour. I held her and rocked her, I put her in the rock n play with her seahorse and her lovey, (carefully watching to make sure she didn't smother herself) I tried her flat on her back with seahorse, lovey, and binky. All the while she's screaming and kicking and crying real tears. I knew she was tired, and while I can feed her when she's hungry, and change her diaper when she's dirty, I can't MAKE her fall asleep. So I did everything I could until I finally took her out for a drive. She fell asleep almost instantly, so I drove for about ten minutes and then managed to bring her in the house without waking her. Unfortunately, our ridiculously loud air conditioning wasn't so lucky, and she woke up crying after a few minutes and we started the whole process again. When she finally got back to sleep she was woken up by spit-up, and started crying yet again. Eventually I did get her to sleep, and I watched Olympic Trials until I passed out at ten. I'm hoping this isn't any sort of trend and she was just over-stimulated.

Here's E with her "babysitter". The toy bar for her rock n play. She's completely in love with it, as you can tell by the happy face.

Forgot about the storm that contributed to Friday's hellish night. Our power went out, and the thunder was louder than I've ever heard. It might literally be the worst storm I've ever been in. None of us could sleep through the thunder, and A slept through an earthquake once. Here's a picture of a HUGE downed tree that blocked off my road to work this morning.