AF should be arriving any minute. I figured that was the case as my temperature dropped like crazy yesterday. It was like looking at the steep slope of Everest. I told myself I would test if my temp rose again today, and it went from 97.5 to 97.8, plus I had some serious pains in the breast area. It was negative, which I expected, and at 13DPO it's pretty certain. I hate telling Andy about BFNs because he lives by "you're not out until the witch shows". I love his optimism. I know that this stuff does get to him though. He's never completely excited about things like the new cycle and I know it's because he's stressed and just wants it to work so badly. We had a huge fight this weekend and delved into a very dark place but came out on top. We've been getting so stressed about TTC and health issues and money (although I found out WHILE typing this that Andy got a new job!) but we identified some issues we weren't handling correctly and we're on the same page about how to proceed. We're ready to hold hands and make this journey and tackle the problems that stand in the way. I'm so glad to have him to go through all of this with. He's seriously my foundation. He holds me up and is the sole source of a lot of my stability. He's been asking me about my temps every day. Every morning he says "so what's the status today" lol. It's so cute that he's involved... especially since I couldn't say the word "period" without him cringing until recently.

I really hope the witch does show today because if not she'll make it much more difficult to have any fun in Ocean City Friday. Plus if it comes Wednesday we can't leave until after bloodwork and ultrasound since Friday would be CD3. These weird crampy feelings the last three days have been such a tease. I know a consistent luteal phase is a lot to ask for, aunt flow, but please!? 

It's weird having to plan everything around the IUI schedule. I'm going to NC over July 4th weekend and my mom and I were trying to plan out when the IUI would likely be lol. Fortunately, even if AF comes today, and I O on my earliest O date from previous months (CD16), I would still get the +OPK on Monday the 5th to come in the 6th and I'll be home. Whew. I'm pumped for this IUI and I hope the numbers are all good but it's the first one so it's hard to say. So for now... come on, witch!!!



It looks like I'll be getting a lot of paperwork in the mail because they authorize each thing individually. The good news is I just got my CD3 stuff in the mail with authorization. I need to call the financial person for IUI auth, too. I'm glad I have insurance. Since this is a natural cycle it's going to run me about $225 out of pocket. Next month with the extra ultrasound and HCG injection it'll be about $425 so that's tough. I know a lot of people pay a lot more, but coming up with $425 out of pocket each month is hard, so we'll be stuck at home until we get our BFP. The third cycle will probably be the same and then we'll do the HSG and depending on Andy's numbers move onto IVF. That should be around the end of September/beginning of October, but I'm PRAYING that we conceive on one of these IUIs. Maybe she'll give me clomid for the third one if we haven't had success. Or we'll do the HSG and one more with clomid if the numbers are good. Either way, I'm thankful for the IF coverage. We'd never be able to afford $850 a month out of pocket and as it is have to budget very hard and we can't do much that's fun over the next few months. It'll be SO WORTH IT when I finally look at that damn pee stick and see TWO pink lines instead of one!!!!

Getting My Hopes Up... again.

I'm excited about next month, but next month isn't here yet, so I'm going to talk about what I'm actually feeling right now. I took a test this morning at 10DPO and it was negative. It happens. It's 10DPO (someone remind me why I keep wasting money and tests so early). My temp was SO HIGH this morning. A few days ago I was all excited about my super-high temp, but today's was even higher. 98.34. I overlayed my charts on fertilityfriend and it's actually the highest temp I've ever gotten. I'd be excited, but I have weeeeird feelings in my uterus and I'm convinced it's AF getting ready to rear her head. Last month at 10DPO I have cramps. Real ones. These are not cramps. It's a weird discomfort. It hurts in my lower back (but not like cramps do). It does get crampy every so often around my ovaries, but it's just not like regular cramps. I'm still pretty sure this is AF, but I'm curious to see what my temp is tomorrow. If it's still high I'll have to raise an eyebrow. What's interesting is yesterday it was quite low, but I had gotten up to pee leaving only 2 SOLID hours of sleep, so it probably should've been higher and I didn't count it. Still... low at 9DPO and insanely high at 10DPO? Anything's possible. I'm going to the dollar store to get cheapo tests so I can keep taking them and not empty my bank account (There's another one of those crampy things! It's in a different place than i'm used to.. like it's only part of my uterus and higher up than the cramps I'm used to).

Clearly I've gotten my hopes up (dammit!). I know in my heart that chances are it's BFN BUT it might not be. I ovulated, we DTD... why not? Only time will tell. I'm sure on Monday or Tuesday I'll take that unfortunate trip to the bathroom and realize the witch has arrived... but.. I'm holding out hope until then. If little one did implant over yesterday and Wednesday, my HCG probably wouldn't be high enough to test, even on an early response.

Trying to conceive could really drive any woman to the looney bin. It's strange and annoying, but I'm excited. I'm hopeful about next month's IUI, but still about this month too. Trying to walk that line is so freaking hard. Too excited or too depressed.. never right in the middle.

Finally!

Holy crap. We're actually moving forward!!!!

When we got Andy's last test results I was excited, but the nurse was pretty negative about it. We've heard nothing but "IVF!" since the first visit, and I was preparing for how to talk to the RE at my IVF consult abot how we would like to try an IUI first because I was sure she wouldn't agree. When we went in and she started talking she immediately went to IUI. We didn't have to say a word about it, and she only mentioned IVF in the context of "If these don't work and we have to move on in a few months...". I was surprised, and Andy and I kept holding hands and smiling at each other. We were going to wait until the next cycle (starting in late July) to get started, but she wants to do an unmedicated cycle. She doesn't think I need medication... she said she thinks our problem is getting things where they need to be when they need to be there. We're not sure what affect the 1 "abnormal" part of Andy's test will have, but we'll have to go in and actually do the wash to find out for sure. Now, we're still waiting for AF this month and hoping she doesn't come. I'm actually a little more hopeful because the RE kind of gave me the impression that we might be able to conceive on our own given enough time. I might be making that up though lol. I also feel like the fact that she was pushing IVF so hard and has stepped back to IUI shows that we have an actual shot. She had no issues recommending IVF so she must really not think we need it yet. So here's my little timeline for this month:

CD1 (Around 6/21 - SO CLOSE) - Ultrasound and bloodwork
OPK + (probably somewhere around CD18) - Call and schedule IUI, then IUI the next day
14 days later - beta

It's an extremely simple cycle. She said to call when I see ANY significant color change on the OPK strip, which is good because they can be a little tough to decipher at times. She said we had the option of doing more monitoring and a trigger shot, but we decided we'd try 1 natural cycle first and then if we needed another cycle we'll do the trigger. We hadn't planned on doing it at all so I need to get my finances in order before we add more ultrasounds. They're just over $100 a pop, which won't be a big deal soon, but until we get these 2 credit cards paid it's a lot. And according to Fertilityfriend, I do O the same day as my true + OPKs or the day after so we should be fine with timing.

There's no way to tell if this is going to work or not, and I'm curious to see what the wash does (I'm nervous about that part) but it's cool to have something to try starting in just a few days!!!!

Also, she said she's ok with waiting a few cycles before the HSG. She says she has no reason to think I would have a problem, but that if there were a blockage the IUI definitely won't work. Because of my kidneys, though, she's willing to wait 3 cycles and see what happens. Since we're not doing a lot of monitoring and I have 50% coverage, if they happened to find a blockage, we wouldn't have wasted TOO much money. And if I got pregnant during those 3 cycles she wouldn't have to risk any kidney trouble. Psyched about this lol.

Our timeline is still the same. We'll be doing 3 IUIs and then looking at IVF around October/November if needed. I am hoping everything is ok with my kidneys during this time but we'll keep monitoring them to make sure my creatinine stays under 1.4. If it starts to get worse we'll move to IVF faster, but hopefully it'll stay around the 1 mark. In October I'll have about $1000 more a month than I do now so it'll make paying for treatment easier too. The IVF loan would be about $250 dollars per month (for 4 years but we'd pay it faster) for 1 cycle, so that's nothing to sneeze at.

On the monetary front, Andy has an interview on Friday that I'm VERY excited about and I think he will get the job. The company is a contractor for Comcast, so he already knows the system they use, and our friend Michelle works there and has put in some good words for him. He likes and is very good at customer service jobs, and he'd be on the phone with employees half the time too. They pay decently so we'll have more money to hopefully get some bills paid off for good. It's in Frederick which is about 50 minutes from our house, but Andy drives for a living now, so it won't cost any more in gas, and he'd probably keep the delivery job a few nights a week. He picks school back up in the Spring in Towson, so that's.. a good hour and a half from Frederick, but he's going to try to set it up so he only has to go to campus 1 day a week and it would be his day off so he won't have to drive all that way. They have hybrid classes so he could go 1 day and get face time with the teacher (which is good for him) but have 1 day of online learning. If nothing else he could do somethingl ike Tuesday/Thursday classes and have 1 day be his day off so he only has to make the crazy drive once a week.

This has been an insanely long post but I'm done. I'm just excited to finaly have a timeline in my hands! It's the coolest feeling to know that if I get my period in a few days, we're starting a real treatment!!!! YAY!

I finally got a +OPK on CD20. For the very first time in my life it was VERY positive. It was not "so close I'm going to consider it positive although it's technically not". I got nervous because the 3 days after ovulation my temps were very low, but they've since shot up. As a matter of fact, my chart looks insane now. My bbt this morning was 98.26!! It has NEVER been that high before so I think that must mean there's a good amount of progesterone which is a good thing. I find myself being sort of not hopeful this month. We still have some issues on Andy's side (although things are improving and most of the issues are minor and going away!). Things keep getting better so who knows how they were when it actually came O time, but I guess not being hopeful makes it easier for me not to flip out. I'm also not hopeful because I got insane cramps at 4DPO. I had those last month which was obviously not a BFP cycle. I wonder why I get those. I guess I just hope it doesn't mean something is WRONG.. like.. what if my uterine lining is starting to break down that early? That seems extremely unlikely with a 12 day LP, but... I need something to worry about right? I think we did a lot of things this month that had potential - soy and preseed. I don't know if either one really helped, but I guess time will tell.

I have had horrible heartburn since yesterday. It has been waking me up at night and at times it hurts so bad I can't talk. This is unusual for me but I think it's because I've been eating bad foods. I have had boob pains, too, but I had them last month and I think they're just due to ovulation. They've been on the armpit line today.

I keep rambling, knowing nothing I say or do can predict or really give me any insight as to whether or not this month worked. I'm trying to walk the line between too optimistic, and too pessimistic. I don't want to not have hope, because I know God requires faith to work his miracles, but I don't want to get so optimistic I break down if it's a BFN.

Wednesday is our IVF consult. We're going to hear her out about the IUI and see why she doesn't want us to do it, but we may request it anyway. I'm sure she's going to have me set up the HSG and I am TERRIFIED. I talked to Andy last night about it. He promised me he wouldn't let it hurt me and it was the absolute sweetest thing. He's been so awesome with all of this. This morning when I told him my temp was REALLY high he started asking the baby questions lol.

"Do you want some water baby? How about some Swedish Fish?". I told him the baby would not be having any Swedish Fish until he was safely out of my body lol. It's fun to talk like that and hope and dream. I just hope one day soon we're really talking to a baby in there.

Well, considering pregnancy is not possible without ovulation, things aren't looking fantastic this month so far. CD18 and still - OPK and no temp shift. I'm curious to see what my temp is tomorrow. If it dips that might indicate ovulation soon. I'm starting to think maybe the soy was a bad idea. Of three cycles I've temped, I have ovulated on each, on CD16, 17, and 18. My last two LPs were 12 days, so I guess I could ovulate up until CD21 and still have a "normal" period for me at 33 days. It's pretty frustrating waiting and wondering.  I just keep wishing this would be the month. Even if I get a BFN it's fun to dream during the TWW. I'm still feeling pretty positive... I think if I didn't have kidney disease we'd give it another full year before looking at IVF. We'd be so much more financially stable without it, although my mom did say she'd co-sign a loan and we can afford the actual payments pretty well when I get my raise in October, so it won't cripple us I just... would like to use that $400 a month loan payment buying baby furniture and saving to take 12 full weeks off with my baby... starting a college fund!

I guess we'll see in the next few days. I hope I didn't REALLY mess things up with the soy. I hope I get a period on my own and stuff. I know we still have some issues on Andy's side but things are so much better and we definitely have a shot, especially as things continue to improve... especially with IUI.

I think I lost some weight this week on Weight Watchers. I'll see exactly how much tomorrow. I did eat some pizza today, but I've had a good week I think. Much better than previous weeks. I'm on the right track anyway. I think I'd like to lose 20 more pounds by the July cycle IUI (which should be around August 6th). We'll see!

Well we're on CD16 and still no signs of ovulation. I know that last month I ovulated on CD18, so I'm not super concerned, but I usually have some sort of sign beforehand. I think the soy either regulated everything or royally effed it up. I'm so excited for this month because we have so much of a better chance than even last time. I'm feeling so much more positive about this whole thing now. I know Andy's doing better and I just feel like maybe we will conceive without IVF. I always had hope but it's the first time in a while I've really felt it was possible. Especially with IUI. If we do that, the doctor will know for sure that I ovulate, and she'll be putting the sperm right where they need to be. I'll have the HSG to make sure there's a good environment for implantation... I just feel like we have a shot.

I talked to my parents today about my cholesterol and they're not worried. I feel like maybe we can do a few extra cycles before IVF. I still want my kidneys to be in as good shape a possible, but I also want to be financially sound, and if we can avoid IVF we should be able to pay of our credit cards and fix our credit scores and buy a house. I'd love to have a house for my baby to grow up in and IVF would sort of render that impossible for a while. I'm also paying off two other bills by October so I'll have that extra money plus a raise... I could save money for when I'm on maternity leave instead of paying $400 a month in a fertility loan. If IUI fails it sucks but it's not nearly as much money.

Nothing is guaranteed but if Andy continues to improve we might have even a better chance a few months from now. When we do our first one (hopefully in July if doc lets us) It'll be 5 weeks or so from his last test so things might be even better. He started taking zinc yesterday which I think is going to help even more.  I'm really hoping to be pregnant by my 30th birthday this year. That's only 6 more cycles including this one but I hope it works. I'd love to feel my baby moving around at Christmas time.

I'm just so excited. I feel a little less pressure with Andy doing better. I am sort of looking forward to our appointment on the 16th but I'm really nervous that she's just going to flat out say no.  I think it should be my decision so I hope she doesn't. It'll put us back a while finding a new doctor.

I'm ready for this month to see how things go. I know things still aren't ideal but it's very possible. Now I just need to ovulate this month!

So the results are in, and Andy is doing MUCH better. I promised him I wouldn't get into details about the exact tests and specifications, but he's in the normal range for almost everything and it's a marked improvement. We've been thinking and tossing around ideas for a while about what to do in different scenarios for his tests. I know that my RE wants us to do IVF, but when I look at the tests (and run them by people on my mesage boards) they always say "DO IUI!". I'm inclined to anyway. It runs $3-400 a month as opposed to about 7 grand. I figure if we do a few and it works, we've saved a ton of money. If it doesn't work, then we will move on to IVF with a fetility loan and a cosigner. I'm so annoyed that this has to happen now. I'm getting a $14,000 raise in October, so it wouldn't be an issue to just pay the money each month outright. Since we're doing it now, we'll have to scrimp and save, and I'm worried because I've been trying to pay off my credit cards to improve my credit so we qualify for the loan, but if we're paying for IUI, I can't pay extra on my credit cards.

June is going to be natural, so we're going to try to have a ton of fun and pay off as much as we can so that when July rolls around and we start paying out the butt for these procedures, we'll have done what we could beforehand. I think we'll probably try 2-3, so July, August, and MAYBE September but we'll probably head right to IVF then. I hope we don't need to! I'm feeling better and more confident with the new test results, and hopeful for a natural conception, although not expecting it, so I guess we'll see.

We have our "IVF consult" on June 16th and I already told her I want to try IUI first. I know she will try to talk me out of it but what's it to her? Hopefully she will just let us do the 2 IUIs. If not we'll be talking to someone else and I don't want to waste that time so I hope she is ok with it. I am also tentatively getting the HSG 9 days after my next cycle starts, so approximately June 28th. Hopefully it won't start, but if it does... ugh. I am dreading this HSG but at least I'll know what's going on in there and I hope everything is ok! And then on to treatments. I'm very hopeful about IUI. I hope it works.