Preparing For Rain

There is a Bible story I've been thinking about a lot lately that goes something like this:

Two farmers were praying for rain. One of the farmers went out and sewed his field while the other sat around waiting for the rain to come. Eventually, the rain came to the farmer who sewed his seeds.

Only one of these farmers truly believed. I've been dealing with this for some time. I've been praying every night to have my kidneys healed and Andy's tumor healed and to have our baby, but I haven't been preparing myself to receive these blessings. Instead of having true faith in God, I've been miserable and angry. My mother has tried to get me to just be positive and have faith. Andy's been positive and had faith, but I've been just... expecting the worst. My mother decided to "Prepare for Rain" by going out and buying our baby a set of onesies. They were all blue, so I said to her "It's going to be a boy, huh?" She said "No, this is just the first of many things for the baby". It made me happy, and I'd been toying with the idea of doing something like that myself. This was about a month ago. Well, I finally decided it was time for ME to prepare for rain. Andy and I discussed it and decided that if we had something solid it would remind us to keep positive and believe our baby would come.

We went out yesterday to pick up a card for a friend and came across two things we ended up purchasing. One was a Winnie the Pooh pillow that you write information about the baby on when he's born (or she!). The other was the booties seen here:

They are for newborns and we intend to bring the baby home from the hospital in them. We like Winnie the Pooh, and plan to have tons of Winnie stuff, although the nursery will be decorated in a sea creature theme. And Andy might not want anyone to know this, but when we got into the parking lot he was holding the bag and he put his hands up and said "WHEEEEEE Baby Stuff!!!" in this cute, dancey way. He's so excited.

Something feels "right" about having them. I don't think we'll get pregnant right away. It might be months, or we may need IVF after all. But I know we're going to have our baby one day, and these little booties are a nice reminder. I'm trying to be positive and just know that God is going to provide us our hearts' desire. I believe and trust in him.

I had another appointment yesterday, this time with my cholesterol doctor. I've been officially cleared by ALL doctors to have this baby. The only thing is that I have to stop taking my cholesterol meds. My cholesterol is extremely high and so, yet again, I've been told to have a baby as soon as possible so I can get back on the medication.

Why thank you, doctor. My plan was actually to take as long as humanly possible on purpose.

Honestly, though, it's stressful. Andy's tumor just won't shrink fast enough for my liking. I guess part of me expected quicker results. I sort of knew it would take some time, but I was hopeful. It's killing me waiting until next Friday to get his hormone levels back. I'm hoping the prolactin is back down in the normal range, which means his other hormones should begin regulating themselves. I honestly believe they already have started, but I wish they'd hurry up!

Right now very few people know about this blog, but if anyone who is a part of my real life reads this, I'd prefer you keep this next part quiet PLEASE.

We've decided that if we don't have:

a) The test results we want to see
or
b) A baby

by June, we're going to start IVF in July. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that but now every doctor I have has told me I just can't wait.

It's the Little Things

I never thought I could be so excited to get up in the morning and check my temperature. Are my temps consistent? It's CD15. Did my temp spike? Is that an implantation dip!?

Lately my temps have been really flat, which I've taken to be a good sign. Everything I've read points to flat temps = steady hormones. I throw out weekends, though, because I wake up so late. I have actually remembered every day but 1 so far because I've been putting the thermometer on top of my phone which acts as my alarm, so the first thing I touch every morning is my trusty basal. I'm still mildly terrified about this cycle after the weirdness of last month, and every time I feel anything in the pelvic region that could be contrued as discomfort, I plan my doctor visit in my head. So far I've been able to return to reality quickly. Not everything means you have problems! For me, a pain in my thumb means I'll never have children. I need to work on that. I have enough stress without creating my own.

Andy is getting his bloodwork on Friday in preparation for our March 5th visit. I wish I could stop getting so excited. I KNOW he's not "there" yet with the tumor shrinkage, but I'm just so hopeful that it's at least working.

In the mean time, I emailed my aunt, who struggled with infertility for many years, and finally, after multiple IVF cycles, went on to conceive 2 children naturally. I don't really have any other close friends or relatives who are dealing with what we are, so I'm hoping she can give me some advice. I'm still praying for a miracle, and for the ability to let things happen. Neither have proved fruitful yet, but I'll continue praying and hoping that God's timing gets a little closer to my own.

There Are Other Things In Life

I lost 3 pounds last week. That cant possibly be a bad thing in this baby journey. Dh and I have decided that if he is not "back to normal," as the doctor says, by June we will be moving onto IVF in July. That gives him 5 months of meds, and it gives me 6 months to lose weight before IVF.

With that said, I don't want to do IVF. I am mildly terrified of the HSG (although I'd gladly do it if it means we get our baby) but I'm concerned that the large quantities of iodine will damage my kidneys and I really don't need that. I don't want to have to spend the money, either. I would do all of it to have a new baby, but it's a scary thought, so I'm hoping beyond hope that this medicine works for Andy.

I keep trying to rely on my faith that God will take care of us. I want so badly to know what's going on, though, that I worry, and I end up praying every night that he helps me to let go of control and let him handle it. I have so much trouble but I want to let go. I want to let God handle it in his time and do what he knows is best for us. My mom did that by buying us baby clothes. I think I need to do that, too. It'll be a physical reminder that I trust God to take care of us and bring us our baby in his time.

I'm a week into this cycle and I'm being so negative about it. I want to try to be positive, and not stress myself out, so I bought myself a timer for my camera so I can take pictures. Then I remembered my computer is broken so I have nowhere to put the pictures, but I'm hoping that gets fixed this week. I'm hoping that focusing on weight loss will help me keep my mind out of babies and stress, too. I'm trying to throw myself into the gym. It makes me feel good and that way even if I don't have my baby in the next few months, I'll know I'm doing something positive for myself and the baby.

3 pounds down is good. I have my deep water class tonight which is exciting because it's so much fun and burns 800 calories. And hey, I only have 4 pounds to lost to get down to my previous highest weight ever. Haha. And then another 109 to get to my goal. This is going to take forever, but I'm determined, and doing well. I'm proud of myself.

Money, and How It Sucks

Today was not a great day for this TTC adventure. My husband was supposed to get some hospital records from his childhood sent to the doctor, but when he called they said they destroyed them after 21 years. Now he might need to get surgery again to find out what happened during the last one! It's such a waste, and he's never had surgery since he was old enough to remember it. My poor guy! We'll get more information in two weeks though. Tomorrow is officially one month of his medication and he gets blood work next Friday. I'm SO excited. I don't expect things to have changed a whole lot. I think he needs a higher dose, but I like to know what we're dealing with, and it will help me to have a better idea of how next month will go since there's probably not much chance of us conceiving this month. It should go up as his brain regulates, but to be honest, we have no idea for sure what the effects of this tumor are. That's why I want the blood work so bad!

Either way, I'm off to Walmart to spend way too much money on OPKs and such. This journey is so much fun. It's a shop-a-holic's dream. You get to spend SO MUCH MONEY! I'm hoping my lengthy cycle last month is not indicative of a serious problem. I found the following list of drug costs:


Gonal-f RFF Pen 300 IU - $239.00
Gonal-f Multi-Dose 450 IU - $358.50
Ovidrel Prefilled Syringe 250 mcg - $44.25
Crinone 8% Vag. Applicator progesterone gel -$202.50
Repronex 75 IU Vial - $79.90
Menopur 75 IU Vial - $79.90
Leuprolide Acetate 14-day kit Generic Lupron - $129.00

I do not want to have to use these. I do not want to spend 240 dollars for 1 shot. Holy crap. Pardon me while I say a little prayer to Jesus to make last month a fluke and let me ovulate all by myself.

...

Ok. Done. I guess we'll see how it shakes out in about 13 days if my little line turns dark enough. You have to love OPKs. I'm really excited to carry pee sticks and teeny plastic cups to pee in around work so I can do it between 10 and 4 like the box says.

Little one... please be nice to us when you finally do arrive. Especially if I have to get an HSG. We'll do whatever we have to to bring you to us.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I had hoped that writing a post about not getting my period would somehow cause a cosmic shift and allow it to appear. I was right! AF reared her head last night with a vengeance. I spent most of this morning on the verge of throwing up with pain radiating throughout my entire abdomen. And yet, I'm still tickled pink to deal with the mess. I'm hoping that this month isn't quite so much of a roller coaster, and nature decides to leave the cruel jokes behind. I suppose I'll know in about 33 days. I forgot to take my temperature this morning. Oops. I'll get that right one day.

In other news, I should be ovulating sometime between 03/04 and 03/06. Andy's next appointment is on 03/05, and we will have a much better idea of what's going on in his brain and if the meds are helping. I am hoping and praying they are. I don't think his dose is high enough, though, so hopefully they will increase it. I don't notice any change in him at all. I know it's only been 3 1/2 weeks, but it feels like forever and I want that tumor GONE.

I'm going to be ordering fertilaid soon. I've read great things about it and it has a lot of stuff we need anyway. Unfortunately, the women's has iodine, and I don't know if I can take that with my kidneys, so I have to wait until I hear from the doctor.

Also, the infertility doctor said I would need to get an HSG if we did IVF. There is a large part of me that doesn't want IVF simply so I can avoid an HSG. I can get over the whole "I don't like people poking around down there" thing. I kind of have to if I want a child. But... OW. Pain sucks, and I'd prefer not to feel it lol. I'm not a baby about these things in general, but the anticipation of it is driving me nuts. I'm just going to pretend for now that it's not in my sightline, and continue on with TTC as if there isn't a tumor trying to make me have to get things shoved in places I don't want them.

Infertility Is A Dirty Word

**Warning - Long Blog Establishing History**

When I was 17 and diagnosed with PCOS, it was an annoyance. I didn't care to learn anything about it except that it made my periods irregular, and why did I care? At 17 going 60 days between cycles is COOL. I didn't think nor care about the implications it could have later on. As a matter of fact, things seemed to sort of right themselves after a few years. I still didn't care. And then I got hit like a bug splattering on a windshield with... you guessed it. Baby Fever. All of a sudden I couldn't look at a baby, or baby clothes, or pregnant women without turning into a slobbery mess of baby talk and "oooo" and "ahhhhh". Who was this person? It was me at 26. At that point I'd been with my boyfriend for maaaybe 2 years and babies were not an option, but a little piece of me was beginning to realize what a pain in the ass PCOS might turn out to be.

Fast Forward to today. I'm 29 and married to that boyfriend, and we want a baby! But life had other plans for us. Life, the jerk that she can sometimes be, decided that there would be no trying for a baby when we got married in October of 2009. Instead, I got kidney disease and began a 6-month course of high-dose prednisone in August which went through February. Prednisone can be ok in pregnancy, but not in insanely high doses given intravenously, so we decided not to risk harm to our baby and wait. We actually got good news in December that my kidneys were responding and stabilizing! YAY! But we also got blood work back on my husband that showed serious problems, and eventually led to the diagnosis of a pituitary adenoma.

Sparing him the details, the bottom line was this: There was no way we were going to get our baby with this tumor. Because we didn't have enough issues. Clearly.

So with that, hubby started on his meds, and after getting the "all-clear" from a high risk ob about my kidneys, we were ready to start in February. The infertility doctor insisted that I was not going to be an issue, and she wasn't convinced I had PCOS, which I was pretty excited to hear. I was ready for "Aunt Flow" who will furthermore be referred to as "AF" to come, and it didn't happen when it was supposed to. Weird. She'd come every 28-32 days for as long as I had been charting. December and January were 33, but weird things happen. And then I was on day 34.

Then 35.

Then 36...

And here I am on day 40. And I'm freaking out a little. Silly as I am, I'd thought "Well gee, we have kidney disease and a brain tumor to deal with. That should be enough!" But no.. my body has decided it hates me. Charting fertility signs as I do, I noticed a few strange things this month, and I'm hoping and praying I simply ovulated late. It's easy to stress your body into doing that, and if it comes in the next few days, that's likely what happened. If not... I have no idea. I'm really hoping it's not my body reverting to pubescent weird-period times because that would make a difficult process even more difficult. My doctor's already saying IVF, although Dear Husband (DH)'s doctor isn't, and I'm going to trust him for now since he knows more about the situation. I just don't need my body getting all crazy on us, too.

I want to be able to have this baby... to at least try. So COME ON AF!!!

How many times do you really say that? Well I'm saying it now!