Strange Feelings

Infertility never leaves you.

I have a beautiful 1 year old daughter. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I suppose some would say I'm on the other side of the fence now because I know I can get pregnant and stay pregnant. And I guess in a way it does help. But there's an uncertainty that comes from IF that will always be there. These ridiculous mixed emotions.

A and I have always planned on another baby, kidney-willing. But who knows what will happen. If they'll even let us use our 3 embryos. And there's a part of me that still wishes we could just do it the "normal" way. That we didn't need meds and injections and monitoring and such. So as much as I want to just kill it where it lies, this tiny glimmer of hope has arisen.

Brain tumors and prozac don't leave to a glamorous intimate life. But we've been getting better with it lately because we like to feel close. Imagine my surprise yesterday when I discovered that if I were timing things in order to have a baby, I would've picked yesterday and today.

So here I am, saying things to A like "Sterlachini #4?". And there's a tiny piece of me thinking "wow, how cool would that be?" While the majority of me is thinking "Seriously, Erika? Who do you think you are, that 1 random couple that does IVF and then gets pregnant naturally? And on the first time it would be possible, no less?". But I can't help it. And I'm really not ready for baby 2. Financially, emotionally, or physically. But there it is. That glimmer of hope that means "Maybe I'm not as broken as I thought".

It will always be with me.