Baby Fever

I spent a small portion of the last hour looking through photos of my pregnancy, sonograms, and newborn Evie. To say I have baby fever would be putting it mildly. I kind of have pregnancy fever, though, which is so strange because pregnancy was so incredibly unkind to me. But I still miss feeling her moving around on the inside and carrying her with me everywhere.

I love being with Evie, and I want her to have a sibling, but I know the timing isn't quite right. But we have agreed to go back to Shady Grove at the end of the summer to discuss starting a FET cycle in November or December or maybe January. Ideally we'd have baby 2 when E was 2.5-3. For now, here are some pictures of Evie being sassy and hip.

This is Evie giving a boy a kiss at a party. I cannot tell you how distraught her father was. She actually grabbed this little guy by the face and kissed him right on the lips. Can you see him saying "please help me"? This is NOT ok! It's a good thing I'm friends with his momma!

She's trying so hard to be patient while I get dressed for swimming. She LOVES swimming but the water was so cold last week she cried toward the end. I hope they get it fixed!

If I had the body for it, I'd pay good money for this hair style. My daughter's hair naturally grows like this. Hipsters are falling out of their chairs at the ease with which she attains such perfectly messy, angular, short but long in the front as it grows from the crown forward hair. She even has the attitude down. "Excuse me, mother, but you're interrupting my reading". Where are her black rimmed glasses?

We had a fun weekend this weekend! Andy's parents came down and we got to spend lots of time playing and going to the park and such. My big girl is walking. She took 7 steps towards me. She normally only takes a few and decides to crawl, but now I know she CAN walk. And she's doing it more and more in front of people other than me!

Her language skills are picking up like crazy! She now consistently says "Mama, dada, hi, no, baby, yay, Gil (Her Bubble Guppy)". She has said "kitty" as well. She mimics a lot. The other day I asked if she wanted me to read to her and she said "read read read!" and then I got her to roar (like a lion). She's the best! And oh so smart.

Here are some photos of her. I caught her mid-step! And she certainly loves the swing.

Tomorrow is a big day in the Sterlachini household. Andy's parents are coming up and tomorrow morning they're taking him to get an MRI. After many months we'll finally find out the state of his tumor. Has it grown? Has it shrunk? Should it be removed?

It's always interesting when Andy has these because he's not good with MRIs and he gets Xanax for it which makes him hysterical. I'll be home with E but if I could video tape it I would.

It's also E's first swim class of the year! She was 6 months old when she started her last class. I can't wait to see what it's like now. She can crawl, walk, and talk. She loves splashing and adores being in the water. I wonder if she'll be able to do all the skills she didn't quite master last time? She could almost back float by herself at 6 months. Plus her swimsuit is SO cute and Andy's parents finally get to see her swim. I love when they get to be around for things like this because they miss so much being far away. Of course no one has seen her walk but me, so if she does it this weekend they'll see that before anyone else.

I love how much love our child has. It just pours in from everywhere! I think she inspires it in people. She's such a beautiful soul.

Last night when she was walking towards me she had this little smirk on her face, and when she took her seventh step and arrived at destination: mommy, she fell into me laughing and I caught her and kissed her and snuggled her up and told her how much I love her and how proud I am. This child is my best friend in the world.

Strange Feelings

Infertility never leaves you.

I have a beautiful 1 year old daughter. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I suppose some would say I'm on the other side of the fence now because I know I can get pregnant and stay pregnant. And I guess in a way it does help. But there's an uncertainty that comes from IF that will always be there. These ridiculous mixed emotions.

A and I have always planned on another baby, kidney-willing. But who knows what will happen. If they'll even let us use our 3 embryos. And there's a part of me that still wishes we could just do it the "normal" way. That we didn't need meds and injections and monitoring and such. So as much as I want to just kill it where it lies, this tiny glimmer of hope has arisen.

Brain tumors and prozac don't leave to a glamorous intimate life. But we've been getting better with it lately because we like to feel close. Imagine my surprise yesterday when I discovered that if I were timing things in order to have a baby, I would've picked yesterday and today.

So here I am, saying things to A like "Sterlachini #4?". And there's a tiny piece of me thinking "wow, how cool would that be?" While the majority of me is thinking "Seriously, Erika? Who do you think you are, that 1 random couple that does IVF and then gets pregnant naturally? And on the first time it would be possible, no less?". But I can't help it. And I'm really not ready for baby 2. Financially, emotionally, or physically. But there it is. That glimmer of hope that means "Maybe I'm not as broken as I thought".

It will always be with me.

1 Year

I've done a lot of reflecting on the fact that my daughter is 1. She's been in my life for an entire year, and I still can't grasp the ways in which she's changed my life for the better. I never could have imagined such a beautiful creature could have come from me - this gorgeous soul, full of happiness and joy. She's so smart and curious and sweet and I can't express my love for her. My mom always used to tell me "There's no love like the love you have for a child" and I thought that had to be silly. I loved my parents. I love Andy. But no. There is nothing like it in the world. There is not 1 thing I wouldn't do for my daughter. I sit in the room next to hers while she sleeps and think about how much I miss her. A few nights ago I asked Andy if I could wake her up to give her a kiss. He said no, of course. I won't even continue to try to explain how I feel about my daughter. All I can say is that I'm blessed. She is worth it. She is worth everything that has ever happened. If all the bad was building up the karma to be granted guardianship over this sweet angel, I'd do it - every last ounce of it - again in the blink of an eye. 

Please enjoy some pictures of my sweet girl having fun at her party!