And The Hormones Run Rampant

I can be a little insecure at times. But I know my husband loves me and I don't worry about anything in that realm. Well, pregnancy has other ideas. My anxiety this week has been through the roof, and my hormones have been just as bad. I've been upset and worried about A wanting to leave me and having fantasies about other girls and things. I've even asked him outright and he's repeatedly said "no, I don't do that". I believe him. But the hormones and insecurity are so jacked up right now it's making me question everything.

This isn't a completely new concept to me since I have an anxiety disorder, but right now it's not just that. I feel strange in a way that is foreign to me. I feel sort of alien... sort of deeply disrupted. Unsure, insecure, scared... crazy.

I know my body is going through all sorts of changes. I look different, I feel different... and it's really taking a toll that was, up until this week, subconscious. Now it's on the surface and I'm just an emotional wreck. I'm terrified or not having A, and I want someone to shrink me and put me in his pocket so he can be with me all day. I want to curl up in his arms and have him keep me safe and constantly reassure me everything is alright and he loves me. I've had spurts of this needy feeling that have lasted a few hours before, but this is ridiculous. I don't even feel like me. I want to cry ALL the time.

It's not depression. It's only been a few days, and I have been incredibly fulfilled and truly happy. It's anxiety and insecurity. And I HATE IT. My husband can't be there 24/7. I can't go to work with my head in his lap and his hands stroking my hair. But I want to.  I want to know, all the time, that everything is OK. I want this feeling to go away. I want to feel like myself. And I don't know what to do but try to keep myself occupied and get a lot of sleep and hope it goes away. This sucks. It sucks a lot.