Growth Ultrasound

I got a pleasant surprise phone call from maternal-fetal medicine (MFM from now on) asking if I could come in for her growth scan today instead of Friday. This works out well because I won't have to flex out of work when I'm working from home. And because I wanted an ultrasound after Sunday night's spotting episode. They found no evidence of placenta previa or abruption, and no blood anywhere. They said everything looks great - fluid, cervix, etc. And Evie, who has apparently decided to follow in her momma's footsteps of being a medical oddity, is weighin in at 1 pound 11 ounces! She's in the 51st percentile, which absolutely thrilled the doctors. They're expecting her to be small and each time they're a little more excited when she's not. I can't believe my little one's almost 2 pounds! Unfortunately we still didn't get a great profile because she still had her feet up over her head and her little hands to her face. They did start talking about 38 weeks for induction again though, when they've been talking about 36/37 the last few visits. They're happy we've made it past 24 and our goal is just to keep her in as long as we can. Here are the best shots we were able to get today.

This is her profile with her leg over her head:

This is a bit blurry, but it's her foot.

One thing is for sure... she's a girl. She may be shy about her face, but not about that. The tech said "It's a good thing you already know she's a girl because she's out there like 'Hi! I'm a girl!'". Lol. My baby is so cute.

We also managed to clear out the closet and get the bed to my parents' house. Just a few more things to do and I can steam clean the carpets and paint!!!

First Trip to L&D

How far along? 24 weeks, 4 days!

Next Appointment: 12/02 - Growth ultrasound

Weight gain/loss: As of the last appointment, 9 pounds, but I'm sure I've gained since then.

Maternity clothes? Yes

Stretch marks? Yes

Sleep? I've actually been sleeping pretty well.

Best moment this week? Reaching V-Day!!!

Food cravings: I haven't really been having any.

Odd pregnancy symptom of the week: Nothing really.

Gender: Girl

Belly button in or out? Definitely getting shallower. Dear God please let my belly button stay in!!!!

Movement? There are times she's quiet, but she can also be completely insane.

What I miss? Nothing. I've never been so excited and I'm starting to feel good again.

What I'm looking forward to: The ultrasound.

Weekly wisdom: I have nothing wise to say lol.

Milestones:Viability!!!!


I had my first trip to labor and delivery last night. I thought I'd noticed some blood on the tp in the morning but I figured I was just seeing things. We went out to dinner, and when we came back there was definitely blood. It scared the crap out of me and so we went straight to the hospital. Perhaps I should have called, but I don't think I could've been OK with not knowing for sure. They took me in a wheelchair up to L&D, and hooked Evie up to a monitor, but couldn't find her heartbeat for like 15 minutes. They finally got her and did 10 minutes of monitoring before hooking me up to a contraction monitor. I wasn't contracting, and she looked good, but they called my doctor in. He did a speculum exam and found red blood cells, but said it was to be expected from the exam. He also did a cervical check and everything was ok. It was an interesting night, but we were in and out in 2 hours, and he said Evie "looks really good for a 24 week baby". My bp was also decent. They don't know why I was bleeding, but the good news is things seem to be OK. It's scary, and I really hope we don't have to head back there until she's ready to come out!

As a side note, I was in a real L&D room, and the bed was much more comfortable than a regular bed. There was a private bathroom with a shower and a tv with tons of channels. There was a rocking chair and a couch for Andy. We got to see the little thing they put her in to weigh her. Andy said he'd be wheeling it over to the couch so he could stare at her.

I'm glad things are OK, I just hope they stay that way. At least 12 more weeks!

On a Lighter Note...

I have been so excited about Evie's arrival! I keep thinking about just letting her sleep on my chest and brushing her beautiful baby hair. I had an image of her pop into my head yesterday. She was sleeping in a little pink and green onesie, and she had her lip stuck out like she did in one of her ultrasound photos. I just want to hold her in my arms. I've been daydreaming about sitting on the couch with A watching TV with her asleep in our arms.

This morning A was not feeling well. Before he headed off to work he rolled over and put his hand on my belly and said "I love you so much. Daddy will always be there to take care of you. Even if I'm sick I'll pretend I'm not so I can take care of you when you're sick". It was the sweetest thing.

Before our ultrasound I posted about how Andy really wanted a boy. Right before I left for my friend's gender reveal, I said to Andy "Are you going to be jealous if they're having a boy?". He said "Nope!" and he meant it. He told me he wants me to buy him a bunch of CDs for Christmas, which I'm going to do, but I also bought him this (which I think I've posted before):

It's such a manly bag, and I figure he'll need it given that he says he's going to take her everywhere. Last night he was trying to figure out where he could work that he could take her with him haha. I also LOVE the changing pad. It really doesn't look like a diaper bag at all. Plus it was on sale. I've showed it to him before, but he doesn't know I bought it. I can't wait until it comes and I can wrap it up.

On the present front, I'm going to be partially done by this weekend! I'm going shopping with my friends on Saturday and I'm trying to get some things for my dad at least, and maybe my mom if I can think of anything! She's so hard to shop for. Worse, though is my brother and SIL. All they want is fitness stuff but it's all stuff you have to buy online and I don't want to! I want to shop in actual stores, and I'm afraid I'm going to end up spending my money on Evie instead. We don't exchange gifts with A's sisters, so he's going to get something for his parents, but that's it. We're trying to scale back some this year with all we have to purchase for E.

I did tell him my idea of making decals from the animals in the main print of her bedding set, and he loved the idea, so I'm really thrilled about that. He's mostly leaving the nursery up to me, so I'm glad that he likes what I've come up with. We're trying to keep a balance of girly and not TOO girly. It's not really easy to do! My daughter is already the proud owner of TWO tutus, so.. there's going to be a lot of frill in her life.

And finally... V DAY IS TOMORROW!!!! I'm so thankful to be here waiting on V DAY in good health with my baby in good health and no signs of her early arrival. Stay in there, little one. You have a lot more growing to do!!!

OCD

I have mentioned this before, but I have had a lifelong struggle with OCD. It started when I was 5 years old, and it has come on and off throughout my life. I've been on 5 different medications... some made it better, some made it worse, but the ones that made it better made me a different person. OCD comes in waves. I can go two years with very minimal problems, and I can go two years with rampant OCD symptoms. It usually comes when you're very stressed, which I have been for the majority of my life. Pregnancy is exacerbating it. This past week has been absolutely horrific. I believe my hormones are playing a large role in it, and I'm not sure how to make them stop.

One thing I want to explain about OCD, since it's not widely understood by the general public, is that OCD is not a disorder of wanting things to be clean, or objects to be in a certain alignment. That's one form of OCD, but the root of it is not the cleanliness or the organization. It's the intense anxiety you feel when your hands are not clean, and the rituals you undertake to "neuatralize" the anxiety. OCD is not logical in any way, and it makes you FEEL things normal people wouldn't. It's intensely emotional, and so people wash their hands until they FEEL clean, which might be an hour after they started washing.The entire time the sufferer knows his hands are clean, but doesn't FEEL like they are... and must continue to wash. This process is mentally and physically draining, as your body is constantly pumping out stress hormones and your mind is racing a mile a minute. Television shows and movies make light of OCD as an interesting quirk, but OCD is truly devastating for the sufferer and his family. It makes you feel crazy... it makes you feel isolated... and it hurts physically and emotionally.

My OCD is not about cleanliness. It used to be. I was that person washing their hands for an hour. They'd be cracked and bleeding and I couldn't stop. And the best way to cope with OCD is to face your fears, meaning, not washing your hands despite fearing you're going to contaminate our family with hepatitis. Rational or not, it's how it feels. I liken it to taking someone with an extreme fear of heights to the top of the Empire State Building, making them walk to the edge (with nothing to hold on to) and stare down and not stop.

My OCD currently focuses on unwanted thoughts. Random things that pop into my head and I think "Why would I think that? What's wrong with me? What kind or person am I?" etc. It's a very strange disease to have because it feels like OCD is someone else that lives in your brain. Not like someone who is delusional. You know it's just a chemical imbalance coupled with a predisposition and some learned behaviors. But it feels like some evil monster is sitting in your head, searching for whatever makes you most vulnerable, and then feeding on it. Mine is morally motivated. I want to be "good". I put my expectations of myself onto my husband, too, so I'm often prying into his psyche, wondering what thoughts go on there. And I know... I KNOW that we don't always control our thoughts. Sometimes things just come out of nowhere and you think "WTF? I don't think that..." But the OCD causes you to think that it MUST be true. It's difficult to explain, but, again, torturous.

I decided something today, though. My husband has been frustrated and irritable today, and he says he's tired, but I think some of it is exhaustion from my constant seeking of reassurance that neither he nor I are crazy. My baby girl has been making her presence known as well. And I guess I realized that I have things good. OCD is a disorder that cannot be cured, but it can be coped with. I am incredibly lucky to have a supportive family (both my brother and father have OCD) and a husband who knows me inside and out. And I'm tired of living this way. I've overcome OCD before. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I tell my husband regularly that if I was given the choice to get rid of OCD or my kidney disease, I would pick OCD without hesitation. But I don't have that choice. The (much harder) choice that I do have, is to overcome it. And I know that thoughts and actions are two very different things. And I'm tired of letting this fear run my life. So I'm done letting it. I'm finally feeling ready to begin the hardest battle I've ever had to endure. Life is too short to spend it worrying about things that simply are not going to happen.

I'm glad that I've consciously made this decision. But I've made it before, and it's not easy to stick to. But I have to.

Once Again, I'm Medically Bizarre

This post is going to be long. Consider yourself warned!

It's common knowledge that I have kidney disease. I'm sure I've shared most of that journey but I want to step back there for a moment.

I remembe the first day it all started. I was living in Rehoboth Beach, DE, with 2 of my best friends, managing a record store. I wasn't feeling well but no one would work for me, so I went in. At one point I had to pee, so I did, and when I turned around to flush the toilet I noticed that my urine was brown. Like.. BROWN. I knew it was blood. I called my parents right away, as they both have medical backgrounds. They were pretty scared, and I came home to Baltimore to see a doctor. They confirmed it was blood, but it went away with antibiotics, so they weren't concerned. The problem was that over the next few years it kept happening. I kept going back tot he doctor and I kept being told I had a bladder infection. I went to the hospital and they couldn't find anything wrong (obviously peeing blood is a problem, guys). I told my doctor that there had to be a correlation between me getting sick and peeing blood. The response I was met with was "maybe you're just weird". I kid you not. So I got pissed. And I went home and googled "Hematuria and sick" (I'm not making that up. That's all I had to do). The very first link was for IGA Nephropathy - one of the main symptoms being blood in the urine when you get sick.

I printed out all the info and took it to my doctor of 13 years. He looked it over and said to me "Normally I don't pay a lot of attention when people bring things like this to me, because normally they're wrong. I don't think you're wrong". So he sent me to a nephrologist and we confirmed. 4 years after the first episode, because "maybe you're just weird" was good enough for him, and, thank God, it wasn't for me.

My family decided we wanted to see the best doctors, and so we sent all of my information to Johns Hopkins to try to get on their waiting list. The doctor will only accept patients if he reads their notes and deems them.. not critical, but... in need. It took a few months, but they called to set up an appointment, and this is when I met Dr. Choi. Andy and my mom both came to the appointment (my dad was still in Singapore at the time). He wasn't sure how bad my disease was at the time, and he ordered some tests, which confirmed it was indeed a big deal. He also said if we'd caught it sooner we could've dealt with it better.

The good news at the time was that my kidneys were still filtering (still are) but that I was leaking a ton of protein. What happens is the membranes in your kidneys get holes in them that grow, so protein leaks out into your urine. The problem is that when that happens, some of it gets absorbed by the kidney, causing further damage. My creatinine is creeping up, but for now it's doing so slowly. "Normal" people lose no protein at all. Up to  about 100mg CAN be normal. Generally speaking I leak about 6000mg. So 60 times the highest of "normals".

Fast forwarding a little bit... I went through two rounds of steroid treatments that didn't work. Or, they seemed to be helping, but then just... stopped. By some miracle my nephrologist got the high risk OB to let me do  IVF. We did not tell her that the low protein she saw was due to medication and it had gone back up. He basically had to tell her "it's now or never". She and my OB have been expecting my numbers to get worse, though. They've been expecting problems with the pregnancy - high BP, IUGR, etc. A few weeks ago I got a test result saying I was leaking 3000mg of protein. High risk thought it was "the same" but it was down by a lot. So today I saw my nephrologist who knew the truth. And things were interesting.

First, he did not have my lab results, despite the high risk calling specifically to get his info. He is pretty sure it's misfiled, so I told him it was about 3000mg. He didn't seem to believe me. It's not that he thought I was lying, but he's very logical and needs an explanation for things. He suggested perhaps even a lab spillage! The only thing he could come up with was that perhaps the treatments I had just had delayed results; however, he said he's never seen that with my disease, and it would be "bizarre". He asked me what the OBs were expecting of my kidneys and pregnancy and I told him, flat out, that they expected it to get worse. His response was "So did I". He said that pregnancy is hard on your kidneys, and high bp is as well. He asked if they were happy with my bp, and I said no, not really, but they didn't want to up my meds (it was 143/83 at his office). He said those were the parts of pregnancy that they worry about with progression of renal disease. And I think what he wanted to say was "Why the hell are your kidneys getting BETTER!?".

He then explained that he thinks lowering sodium is very important, so I brought up to him that I didn't eat much the first 20 weeks because of nausea, so by default I didn't get a lot of sodium. He said that sounded better than his theory so we'd use that. He also said he thinks everyone else is taking my blood pressure incorrectly. I told him I normally get it done by a machine, but he said he thinks they're using the wrong cuff. He put a cuff on , and it worked, but he said he wanted to try the bigger one to get more "overlap". He did, and my bp was 130/60. Uhm... wow, difference. It's funny because the only other place that always changes the cuff is here at work, and my bp is always good here at work. So maybe he's right!

So what's the meaning of all of this? Well... I'm a medical mystery. By all rights my kidneys should be getting worse, and they're not. There are theories, but he doesn't know why. He's surprised.. I'm surprised... and the OBs keep expecting the worst and for now, it keeps not happening. And the only explanation I have is that God is working on me and through me. Basically, it's a miracle. I'm thankful to have this beautiful little girl growing inside me (24 weeks on Thursday!) and to be healthier than I've been in a long time. It's weird, and I'm just grateful for it.

PS: On a completely unrelated note, my bff had her gender reveal party and she's having a BOY!!! So now we get to go buy boy clothes! I'm totally pumped to have a reason to buy adorable little man sweater vests.

And The Hormones Run Rampant

I can be a little insecure at times. But I know my husband loves me and I don't worry about anything in that realm. Well, pregnancy has other ideas. My anxiety this week has been through the roof, and my hormones have been just as bad. I've been upset and worried about A wanting to leave me and having fantasies about other girls and things. I've even asked him outright and he's repeatedly said "no, I don't do that". I believe him. But the hormones and insecurity are so jacked up right now it's making me question everything.

This isn't a completely new concept to me since I have an anxiety disorder, but right now it's not just that. I feel strange in a way that is foreign to me. I feel sort of alien... sort of deeply disrupted. Unsure, insecure, scared... crazy.

I know my body is going through all sorts of changes. I look different, I feel different... and it's really taking a toll that was, up until this week, subconscious. Now it's on the surface and I'm just an emotional wreck. I'm terrified or not having A, and I want someone to shrink me and put me in his pocket so he can be with me all day. I want to curl up in his arms and have him keep me safe and constantly reassure me everything is alright and he loves me. I've had spurts of this needy feeling that have lasted a few hours before, but this is ridiculous. I don't even feel like me. I want to cry ALL the time.

It's not depression. It's only been a few days, and I have been incredibly fulfilled and truly happy. It's anxiety and insecurity. And I HATE IT. My husband can't be there 24/7. I can't go to work with my head in his lap and his hands stroking my hair. But I want to.  I want to know, all the time, that everything is OK. I want this feeling to go away. I want to feel like myself. And I don't know what to do but try to keep myself occupied and get a lot of sleep and hope it goes away. This sucks. It sucks a lot.

Oops

I went to the OB yesterday and everything was great. BP is still the same as it's always been, and my total weight gain so far is 9 pounds. YAY! I'm proud of that number. I was expecting to balloon up pretty quickly. Of course I've had no appetite so I really need to watch it now. The OB called E "such a good baby". That surprised me lol. She was ready and waiting for the doppler.

Unfortunately this morning I woke up with a pain above and to the right of my belly button. It wasn't too bad, but when I got out of the car and walked into work it got awful. It was a very sharp pain so I called the OB and they asked me to come in right away. I went to the office closer to work and who saw me but the same doctor I see every time at my regular office! I felt like such a dork when he walked into the room and said "Long time no see!". I apologized for freaking out, and he understood. I mean sharp pains in weird places + pregnant = nervous momma! They're checking my urine for a kidney infection, but everything else was fine. He said I'm fine, so we don't know what the pain was from. It's lessened greatly so I'm just trying not to worry.

He did do a cervical check. My first one and OW!! But it was very closed so all is well. And because I promised a belly picture, here's one from this morning.. 22 weeks 6 days.

The sweatshirt barely fits anymore. I think it'll last until it gets too cold to wear it, but it's going to be quite a stretch. I have to say I kind of love the way my bump is looking. I expected to look frumpier since I'm overweight to begin with. I can't believe tomorrow is 23 weeks!!!

22+4 Survey

How far along? 22 weeks, 4 days!

Next Appointment: 11/15 - Checkup with the OB

Weight gain/loss: It looks like about 12.5 at this point. Might be 9.5. Still confused about last time I got weighed at the doctor's. I'll find out for sure tomorrow.

Maternity clothes? Yep. Starting to almost grow out of some of them!

Stretch marks? Yes

Sleep? It's been OK this week. Last night was the first night I had trouble falling asleep because Evangeline wouldn't stop moving. It was awesome.

Best moment this week? Feeling her kick from the outside! Seeing her on ulrasound again.

Food cravings: Pickles, which I shouldn't be eating due to the sodium. Otherwise I'm just hungry all the time.

Odd pregnancy symptom of the week: Nothing new really.

Gender: Girl

Belly button in or out? Definitely getting shallower. Dear God please let my belly button stay in!!!!

Movement? She is a machine. I have a little firecracker on my hands. She does sleep for long periods but when she's awake she can't sit still.

What I miss? Nothing. I've never been so excited and I'm starting to feel good again.

What I'm looking forward to: Viability! 10 more days!

Weekly wisdom: I have nothing wise to say lol.

Milestones: At 22 weeks, she was 11 inches and about a pound. I'm thinking she's got to be a pound or more now. And I felt movement from the outside.

Belly pic: I will post one later.

My boss took the work from home thing pretty well, and she says she thinks they can accomodate. I hope it works out because it would be great. And it would only be December - February, so it's not long term, and I hope they can handle that. I don't fully understand the doctor's reasoning, but I'm not going to just ignore her, so if it can work out it will benefit everyone. I should have more info in a few days.

We started working on the bedding on Friday. We didn't get as much done as we'd planned, but we got the pieces for the dust ruffle cut out. Here's my mom cutting pattern pieces:

We started the process of heming the pieces, but I kept breaking the machine, so my mom is going to do the tedious part of ironing and heming, and we're going to start sewing pieces together soon. We should be done with the ruffle next time, and the sheet is super easy. The pattern came with patterns for a diaper stacker that I want to make as well. So far I have scraps so I can make my artwork, but I'm not convinced I'll have enough for the valence. I hope I do!

I'm glad we're at least working on some of the stuff for the nursery. And we're bringing boxes over to their house on Thanksgiving. My mom offered to come help paint, which I think we're doing in early December. I'm also ordering the crib soon, so hopefully the nursery will still be done by January. At least something is coming along. My mom is an awesome seamstress. She uses patterns, but... well, I sure as hell don't understand them so I'm glad she does!! I'll post pictures as we get more done.

EEK

Tomorrow's the day I have to bring up working from home to my boss. I told her when we first talked about my pregnancy that it was a definitive possibility, and she said we'd cross that bridge when we came to it. We're here now, and I hope that she is willing to help me process it. My job is a job I can easily do from home. We have one girl that works from home every Friday already. There are definitely others that do, and I don't know of anyone who is on it for a medical reason, so I'm hoping they will look at my case, realize it's best for everyone, and let me do it without a fight. I'm nervous about talking to her, but it has to be done, and I think working from home would be beneficial for me and Evie.


I'm feeling a little bit better in general, though. I'm not happy about my blood pressure, but I'm glad that Evie looks good. She doesn't look like she wants to make an appearance any time soon, so I just need to control my bp and keep her in as long as possible. 11 days to 24 weeks. That's our first milestone. I'd like to make it to January without any escalating problems. I'd like her to stay in until full term at 37 weeks, and I know they'll be watching everything closely. I'm not happy about everything, but just hoping my body holds out. I'm proud of it so far.

I am on some restrictions right now. She says I'm only allowed 1 outing per weekend. I don't think she means I can't go to the store if I need to, but I'm only allowed to go out with my friends once.. that sort of thing. Last night I went out with my pregnant friend. She's 2.5 weeks behind me and it's so cool to be so close in our pregnancies. She's finding out the gender this coming weekend so we can finally go shopping!

I did buy one more thing for E last night. I'd been wanting this fleece sleeper for her when she's a newborn so bad so I finally just bought it because it was 40% off and I had a 15% off coupon. I also bought her a Winnie the Pooh sun shade for the car.

All told, things are going pretty well and I'm glad we're just taking precautions at this point. Whatever we can do now to ensure that she stays in and healthy, and I can stay at work, we're going to do. So I'm taking it easy as much as possible and praying every day for my little girl and I to stay well.

Fetal Echo and a Big Surprise

Yesterday I got to have the fetal echocardiogram. It took about a half an hour, and E looks awesome. She is such a wiggle worm despite me not eating or drinking to try to calm her down. She was such a good girl for the actual echo though, so we got what we needed. She's incredibly flexible, too, and was doing all sorts of cute stretches and putting her hands in her mouth. Here are two pictures. The first one is her with her legs over her and her toes on her forehead!!

So on to the surprise. She wants me to work from home two days a week. My blood pressure was 157/74, which is creeping up higher than normal. 150s isn't abnormal for me but 157 is getting higher than it's been. She had me kind of lay back and turn to the left a little and took it again about a minute late and it was 133/64. WOW. She said it was because I was relaxed, and she wants me to be relaxed more than anything else. She thinks getting to work is stressful and putting me on two days a week from home will keep my bp down and allow me to work longer.

We can't afford for me to be out of work for real, so I really want to get this work from home approved. Every week I'm out on bed rest is a week I can't hang out with her after she's born and... this is scary. I'm not sure what to think. I don't know if they'll approve me working from home, even for medical reasons. I have to do what I have to do to protect E, but I also don't want them to put me out of work unless it's absolutely necessary, and she seems to be being ridiculously cautious. This sucks. But I'm glad E's alright.

Big Changes, and Even Bigger Changes

After going back and forth about it, heming and hawing, arguing, and trying to make sense of our finances, we finally bought a new car! It's going to be a big investment for us. We went into it intending to keep it for 10 years. It's a 2012 Chevy Sonic. It has everything you could want in a car, got the highest IIHS crash test scores in every category, and has tons of safety features. It is going to cost close to $120 more a month than Andy's current car payment, but when you look at the fact that we shelled out over $1400 this year alone in repairs, and spread that out, it evens out! It's nice to finally have some peace of mind. The "Hey my car won't start" calls were getting old. And there was no way I'd trust E in that old car. We definitely made the right decision. A is happy, and here's a picture of him in the new car. He doesn't look happy but trust me, he was!

I hate orange, but in person this color really isn't bad. He got to drive it out of the dealership, and he got a Sonic hat because it was the first one our salesman sold. We love it and I for one am so glad I did it!

One thing we did decide upon purchasing the car, though, is that we need a solid budget. Right now we pay our bills and then just spend freely, and I think we need to tighten the reins. We could save a lot more money, and we will be living on a lower income once E comes since A will be in school and only working part time. I started working up the budget today and it's not so bad. I'm very fortunate to have a great job, and I just got a raise. We have to up our life insurance, and we may need to add in some more for paying off credit cards, but it works. I plan to have all my cards paid off when E comes, but we may need to dip into them while I'm on maternity, so those will have to go back into the budget, but so be it. I set aside money for food, gas, and "fun" as well as medical stuff, like prescriptions and appointments. We will be splitting care for E between A, Me, and my mom, so we don't have to pay daycare. We're very fortunate for that! But it's really time we set some solid ground rules for spending. We have everything covered, but I want to still be able to put some money away and have fun, too.

We're coming to the realization that having this baby means we are definitely going to have to make some changes. But there are new, awesome things to experience with our baby, too. And my mom showed up at the dealership yesterday, and we went out to dinner once we had the car. Andy was saying he would never get to go back home to PA because he couldn't leave his girls, and my mom said "They can come stay with us". So now A feels comfortable with being able to see his friends once in a while and knowing I'm safe, and I have no problem hanging out with my parents for the night. I want E to spend as much time with them as she can. I'm really glad she suggested that because I think it lifted a little weight off of him. He's pumped to be a daddy and have his little girl, but ALL of his friends are in PA, and he doesn't always want to drag us up there, so now we found a way to deal.

Yep, things are certainly going to be different, but I'm excited. I get to see her tomorrow finally and make sure everything still looks good. Then I have another growth scan at 26 weeks. Still praying every day she's healthy and happy.

Coming Home

I'm having one of "those" days. I've cried more than once, I've been angry, I've been tired, I've been excited. I've been emotional, and I'm more than ready for a nap. My fetal echocardiogram was supposed to be today, but I got a call at noon that I'd missed it. I was very confused because it was in my phone for 1:45. It looks like somehow the "0" dropped off because it was supposed to be 10:45. They managed to fit me in On Thursday, but I sat at my desk and cried because I missed her and wanted to see her so badly. I know it's strange, since she's in my body, but I was so looking forward to it. And now A might not be able to go. I am glad I get to see her Thursday, and I've mostly recovered from the news. As if to say "Mom, it's OK!" she started kicking a little more again today. I love it when she does that. Her kicks are definitely getting harder and more kick-like.

And then I started looking at the registries I made for her, and thought about her coming home outfit. And that hit me a little funny. In 16 weeks, I should be bringing a baby home. It's sort of unreal. It doesn't feel like long ago that I felt hopeless. The time between IVF #1 and IVF #2 was difficult, and the only thing that got me going was trying to wipe the slate clean and start a new cycle. And there were some days then when it just didn't seem like it was going to happen. And then it did. And... everything is different. And the further along I get the more real it seems. I'm looking at clothes for my baby girl to wear home from the hospital. And it's just amazing.

For what it's worth, I'm thinking of using this:

I've made it clear I'm not a huge fan of pink but I want her to have something simple and pretty to come home in. She is, after all, a girl. I love that it covers her tiny little angel feet and her sweet little head. We have pink mittens for her perfect baby hands, too.

I'm in awe. I'm picking out a coming home outfit. For me. For MY gorgeous girl. I just keep continuing to pray that she stays in as long as possible and is healthy and happy.

Holy Clutter Closet

So that whole organizing the house thing didn't get off to the start I'd intended it to. I did clear out space in my closet, and we started to go through more boxes, but on Sunday we were too tired to do any more of it once we got done grocery shopping. So E's closet looks like this:

She has a huge closet. This is what you see when you open the door. And below is what you see when  you turn to the left. There is a weird sloped area.. I guess it's over the stairs.. where you can store things but they don't lay flat. And a lot of shelves. The goal is to get ALL of this junk out except perhaps for Christmas decorations. Which I'd rather store in our downstairs closet anyway.

You can see all of her clothes hanging up, and the bag on top of the cardboard box in the first picture is other stuff that doesn't hang up. As of right now this closet consists of a chair, two litterboxes, about 5 totes full of crap, tons of Christmas stuff, wrapping paper, suitcases... etc. So that all has to go somewhere else. Most of the totes will take up residence in my parents' basement. I'm hoping to move the suitcases to my closet and the chair and the Christmas stuff downstairs since we do still have some room. But this is going to be a big challenge because this is just the closet! There's still a desk and a bed!

On a completely different note, we strolled through the baby section yesterday where we purchased a few essentials. I got a diaper sacks dispenser for my diaper bag, and A got a second mirrior for the new car (which we didn't get to buy because they were closed!) so he can watch E a little better. And I looked in the cart and found this...

He has every intention of putting this on his cool new car, along with his death metal stickers and sports stuff. E will spend most of her time in my car, but we did get a second car seat base, and chose a safe car, so he can take her out when he needs to as well. And when he does, everyone will know that along with a burly, handsome man who likes metal... is a little princess. <3<3<3<3

Ups, Downs, and a Prayer

It's been an interesting sort of week, filled with ups and downs of all shapes and sizes. The fact that the holidays are coming up always put me in a little bit better of a mood, so I think I've been better able to handle the downs, and even more excited about the ups. So what's actually going on. Well, I'll start with the baby stuff.

Baby Stuff

• Baby girl is 21 weeks and 1 day brewing. She's 10 inches long!
• She has been moving a lot more consistently this week - I think because she's bigger. It's not completely consistent, but I feel more like I can count on feeling her at least a few times a day. Yesterday she was an animal!
• We have the fetal echo on Tuesday, and we get to see her sweet face and make sure she's still measuring on track.
• I haven't thrown up in 11 days! This is not to say I haven't been nauseated, because I get nauseated every day. But at least I'm not throwing up.
• Round ligament pain is the devil. I feel it in a triangle - where my legs meet my body, and right under my bump. If I sit down for a long time and then get up I can barely walk for a few minutes. My guess is since she's growing so much faster (my little pregnancy wheel says "uterus grows rapidly" under weeks 21-24) the ligaments are just stretching further.
• As I just told my friend, the pain isn't a big deal in the scheme of things. I'd go through way worse to have E, and we're HEALTHY. And that's what's important.

Not Baby Stuff

• A was driving home from work Monday night when his car decided not to turn into the parking lot he was turning into. He ALMOST got rear-ended, but managed to avoid it and somehow even got all the way home. It turns out his power steering pump is done. This is a $450 fix. We put over $1000 into it in the summer. It's a 2003 piece of crap, so we don't want to keep pouring money into it.
• SO we're buying a new car! We're getting something brand new and safe, with a warranty so we won't have to worry about repairs for a while. We also got approved for an awesome loan with a MUCH lower interest rate. We're psyched.
• My check engine light came on! So my car has to go into the shop. I think it's an issue with the air conditioning/sensors so it's not covered under my power train warranty. I am afraid to take it in because I don't want to spend a bunch of money right now!
• OCD is an asshole. Enough said.
• I just planned a Christmas shopping trip with my pregnant friend who is 2.5 weeks behind me. We are so excited - we NEVER go shopping.
• Christmas is less than two months away, and it's less than 3 weeks until Thanksgiving (AND V DAY!). I am so excited for Thanksgiving because we're spending it at my parents' house. My mom makes the most amazing food, and I get to see two aunts I haven't seen since before I was pregnant. Mmmmmm.. comfort food, family, and a day off. How can you beat that?
• We're cleaning this weekend!!! We are spending tomorrow going through our closet and getting rid of everything we can. We're starting a "flea market" box, and a "throw out" box, and trying to clear out as much as possible. I LOVE not having tons of stuff we never use around.
• A agreed I can get a new desk!!! And a new DVD tower, so we're going to clear a bunch of room in the living room, too.
• I got a raise!!!!

So basically what I'm trying to say is "Holy crap, there's a lot going on". And while some of it (car stuff) is less than awesome, I'm still in a great mood. The holidays this year will be amazing with the expectation of a new little person in the family. The house will be cleaned out so I can decorate (and get to my decorations!). And we have lots of family time planned.

And I can't leave out the fact that today is Friday. Woo-hoo for the weekend and being productive!! Wow... I haven't been in this good of a mood in some time. I'm knocking on wood and saying prayers now that it stays that way, and that E and I keep doing well.

Thank you, God for my gorgeous baby girl and my amazing husband. He's my rock and she's my sunshine. I'm not sure what I did to deserve these precious gifts, but I send all my praises to you for them. I can't thank you enough. Please keep my baby girl and her daddy and I safe and well, Lord. We love you and are so thankful for all you've done. For getting us through the hard times to the good times. For everything we have. Thank you.

Progression

How far along? 20 weeks, 5 days!

Next Appointment: 11/08 - fetal echo

Weight gain/loss: It was either 5 or 8 a week ago. I didn't clarify 'cause I was too excited for my appointment.

Maternity clothes? Uh.. yes

Stretch marks? Yes

Sleep? Keeps getting worse. Woke up 9 times last night and 13 the night before. And it's getting harder to get back to sleep.

Best moment this week? Feeling her kick pretty hard. A hearing her heartbeat.

Food cravings: None, I just want to eat ALL the time.

Odd pregnancy symptom of the week: Feeling intestinal gurgling up under my ribs. It's so gross.

Gender: Girl

Belly button in or out? In, but it appears to be getting flatter :(

Movement? Yep! Still not consistent, but it's awesome.

What I miss? Not being sore.

What I'm looking forward to: Seeing her on ultrasound again next week.

Weekly wisdom: Pregnancy does all sorts of crazy, surprising things to your body. Always check with your doctor but don't be surprised if interesting things happen - sometimes good!

Milestones: Baby girl is the size of a cantaloupe.

Belly pic: 

I don't think I've gotten much bigger, but the shape is changing since my uterus is so much higher up.


This weekend is our weekend to work on the nursery, and I'm excited. This is what it looks like right now:

As you can see it's our laundry room, office, and guest room. The only thing in the picture that is staying is the book shelf on the left. We have a lot to go through, but most of it will be out this month so we can paint and buy the crib. Yay!!!

We wrote a little list of things we need today to get the house in order (new desk, DVD tower, etc.) so we can consolidate and make more room. A mentioned (again) that he really wants a baby book because he wants to write a letter to our daughter. HE IS SO FREAKING CUTE. So after our fetal echo we're going to finish up our registry and see if we can find one.

I'm still so excited with how things are progressing. I'm almost 21 weeks. Just a few more until viability and a few more after that until little girl is full term! I can't wait to meet her but I need her to stay in for 15 more weeks!!