Well, my appointment time came and went. Tara, our nurse, called me to tell me how sorry she was when she got my message. I rambled because I was trying not to cry. My coworker is 13 weeks pregnant and announcing it Thursday. I'm so happy for her but it's SO HARD. When she got pregnant I figured we'd be pregnant before she gave birth. Now that's probably not going to happen. I do not expect the doctor to tell me I can go ahead and keep trying. So she'll be giving birth before I'm even trying to get pregnant again. If I have to start this medicine I want to do it now. I do not want to keep waiting... I just don't. I don't want to be a part of it at all. I want healthy kidneys.. but for the love of God let me get the meds over with. I'm terrified and dragging it out is just messed up on so many levels. I need to have some control here. I need to know what happens... if it works. What if it doesn't and 6 months from now I'm still in the same place? I WANT A CHILD OF MY OWN. And yes, I want a biological child, and no, I don't feel guilty about it. Whatever is going to happen needs to happen so I don't have to sit here and agonize over it any more. I can only sit here and worry about getting 9 months down the road, having done the treatment only to have it work for a few months and then have bad protein levels again. About never being able to carry a baby. I can't do it anymore. I JUST CANT. I need to get this started. I need to know if I can carry a baby. I'm terrified. And I can't deal with it anymore.