We have had a hell of a week. On top of all the kidney issues and uncertainty of where to go, one of Andy's best friends passed away Tuesday. It was an incredibly tragic situation, and they were close. He was in our wedding and we really cared about him. I don't understand why such horrible things happen to such amazing people as Josh. And I can't help but keep thinking about how he's never going to get to hold our kids. How they'll know Uncle Eric and Fran, etc, but not Josh. It's just not right.. it's not how it was supposed to be. Andy wants to make Josh the godfather on paper. I agree. And I keep getting these mental images of just hugging him again and telling him how much I care about him. Like when I go to Philly next he'll still be there. I dunno.. the world is a different place now.

I made a decision last night that we're going to try this month. I feel like I'm... "supposed" to. When I talked to my nephrologist he said he doen't think my protein loss is as bad as what the numbers say. And he really thinks the creatinine is a big deal. I know he's not an OB, but I feel like she needs to have more info from him. They were supposed to get together and talk so he could give here more info about my situation so she could decide what my risks were and call me. I feel like things might change some when he explains it. I don't know everything.. but he does. But no one has called me anyway. I know they're really busy but it's been 10 days. I don't think it's impatient of me to expect something by now. I kind of thought to myself "I'm spending this whole month waiting to find out what's happening. I don't have an official word back, and I'm tired of putting my life on hold".

 So I said to myself that if she didn't call me today we'd try. Things just seem to be lining up (which I will get to momentarily). I even helped out her cause by calling to remind her, but the office called back after getting my message and she's not in the office. She's downtown at Hopkins all week (3 floors from my nephrologist.. I hope she stops by!) and she won't see my message until Monday. I'll have already Od by the time I hear from her and I don't want to miss it in case she comes back and says "Well with all the new information I think maybe you should try now". I already cancelled the IUI, so I feel like if it DOES happen, it's because it's supposed to. So I don't feel like I'm putting my baby at risk if I do get pregnant. Not just because of wild suppositions, but because I know I have two amazing doctors to work with, and even if she does come back next week and say we probably shouldn't, we'll still have amazing care. She needs to hear that I don't have edema or a blood protein deficiency.. that the urinary protein is JUST urinary protein right now. So it might be a while different story since usually when you tell a doctor you are leaking protein it comes with low serum albumin and edema and that's probably what she thinks. And once I get the official word, we'll put TTC on hold to treat my kidneys if we have to. But also, people with diabetes and all sorts of problems that may never be "under control" get pregnant all the time. But I know for me that I'm working with people who know exactly what my situation is and how to monitor it if we do conceive. And if two weeks from now I call her and say "Well, I'm pregnant" and she says "I thought we cancelled the IUI" I will say "I did cancel the IUI, but while I was waiting to hear back from you about whether we would treat my kidneys or TTC right now, it happened" and we'll just have to do the best we can. I'm always going to be high risk because of my kidneys, and it's just a matter of weighing pros and cons. The fact is, I don't have solid info on the risks (after updated info from the nephrologist), and I DO want to have a child. My mom and husband agree that we should continue until a decision is made.

The other thing is that I got EWCM yesterday. On DAY 14!!! I usually O 3 days after I get EWCM the first time (I don't know why, but it's on like 4/5 charts or something). Which puts O at day 17? That's like.. almost normal!!!! Why, on a month when I was taking a break, would my body suddenly decide to be normal!? I have had 2 full weeks of the synthroid so maybe having high TSH really was doing something? I don't know, but it just seems like such a shame to waste.

I don't know if I'm being delusional or selfish or what, but this is our decision. I'm not wasting time unless I know for a fact I should be. After talking with the nephrologist and having him look at me funny when I said the OB was worried about the protein, I felt better. After hearing he thinks my protein loss is actually lower and my albumin was normal... you know, I knew she didn't know this stuff. So this whole thing is probably ridiculous because I'll probably get my period 13 days after O like I always do and then we can start treatment if they want... but maybe this really is supposed to be my month. It's the July cycle. It was supposed to be this month. Maybe it still can be. Maybe Josh has a little Andy picked out that he wants to send to us. Maybe he saw him waiting up there and thought he was the perfect baby for us.. his Godbaby. Maybe he told the little guy that he had a good friend that would love him more than anything. I like the thought that our little one got to meet his Uncle Josh... even if it's not on earth where it should be.

We miss you Josh. We're always thinking of you and missing you. And if our baby is up there with you, please give him a hug and send him on down. We're ready.