I Lied

I decided it's not time for me to mommy blog. Not yet. I have too many issues I need to vent about with people I don't even know who care enough to read and talk to me over the internet. I <3 you all. That's not to say I won't write those kinds of posts in that blog, but I still need this. It's my special place. And I don't feel like my journey is over yet. I do plan to put something somewhere at the top that indicates I already have a baby, though.

To that end, I've been thinking. Now that I'm back at work and have breaks and lunch time, I've been back on The Bump talking to folks and hearing about their lives. Now that I'm on the Success After Infertility board, there are a lot of women working on their second, third, etc. pregnancies. I know it's early to worry about this, but... I don't feel like I'm done having babies, and I feel like someone is going to tell me I am and mean it.

When I was diagnosed with kidney disease I made it clear to my family and my doctor that I wanted a baby, and, at the time, was more worried about that than anything else. They all worked with me, including A who is 2 years younger than me and might not have been quite ready. We knew we might not have a lot of time, so we made it happen, and I wouldn't trade it. Not for anything. And I promised myself, A, E.. everyone.. that once she was born it was kidney city. And I meant it. I started back on all my medications, and now that E is getting a little easier, sleeping more, and I have time at work to researching things, I'm about to embark on a big diet change, and try to find time for exercise. Even if it's just walking during lunch. My blood pressure was borderline before E, and got higher while I was pregnant, but it's not high enough that it wouldn't be great if I lost weight. My kidneys would have less work to do as well. My cholesterol would come down a little (it's 500. I have hereditary hypercholesterolemia) which might help my kidneys some. They have some sort of a strange relationship, kidneys and cholesterol. Lowering my sodium will help my kidneys. And we'll even look into Cellcept in a few months if things aren't getting better. My goal is to lose 100 pounds.

But something messed up my kidneys. I'm still bitter about it. Everything was *supposed* to be OK. All the literature said my kidneys should be fine from pregnancy. And they weren't. My creatinine jumped from 1.1 to 1.7. I lost about 40% of my kidney function. And right now I'm in limbo. I got a call from my doctor after my last appointment stating that I might have an infection. Despite two full courses of antibiotics before I had E, I still had white cells (many) in my urine. I had to do another urine culture to confirm. And there's this little glilmmer of hope that the kidney failure is artificial. That it wasn't E, but an infection, perhaps exacerbated by pregnancy, but that things COULD go back to normal. It's possible again.

And so a little piece of me is thinking about more babies. I have 3 perfect embryos in storage. And every time I look at E I feel like I want 8 billion of her she's so fantastic. I'm curious what else we could make if we made something that beautiful. I think that she deserves someone to be close to, and to hold on to when she's older and we're gone. It's not that I 'm trying to be selfish. It's just that she's perfect, and it makes me have all these feelings that... just point to how amazing she is.

Right now I'm waiting on my blood work results and my urine culture. Once again, waiting for test results to determine the course of action. This is my life, and always will be. It's hard that we had to do IVF, and doctors have to "allow" me to have more kids. I feel jilted that I will never, ever get to be normal. As lucky as I am to have 1 baby, I hate that my rights to procreate at will have been revoked. It's not fair. It doesn't make me feel any less grateful for what I have (and I'm sure some people think that but it's not the case. Not being physically able to have a child, be it your first, second, or fifth, for whatever reason, sucks).

I guess all I can do is work hard, lose the weight, and keep trying, and see what the future holds. And for now, cherish every second I get to be with the perfect little angel I thought I might never have.