Deciphering the Cries

Apparently, babies' cries are so generic that there are a documented set number of cries with their own meanings and signatures. Generic enough that there's an app to tell you which cry is which (how lazy have we gotten that we need an app to tell us why our babies are crying? I mean who out there is thinking "sweet, now I don't even have to invest enough time in my child to figure out why he's crying!"? I hope no one...).

My daughter has some very specific cries, which I'm going to explain in detail, from most to least severe (since you'll all need this information at some point, right?).

The Cries:

1. "Someone is murdering me" - This is the most terrifying of all cries. It has only been heard once in our household. It instills fear in the hearts of its enemies (mom and dad). It is so named because I'm pretty sure that's what she was thinking when it happened. Though I'm not sure why. I put her down on the changing table after her bath to put a diaper and jammies on her. Que awful, horrid screaming. I looked her over and nothing was wrong. We do this every time she gets a bath and she doesn't love the few minutes when she's cold, but it's not this big of an issue. And I decided that the legend about babies being able to see things adults cant is true. And there must have been a monster in the room or something. She was totally fine. And I will be totally fine if, and only if, I never hear that sound again. 
2. "Someone is trying to murder me" - This one used to happen a lot. This is the cry that had me in tears, rocking my baby and saying "I can't help you... I'm so sorry I can't help you..." over and over. We've come to the conclusion that this is a reflux cry. It's loud, and causes red face and big, wet tears (from both Evie and I). She only did it while she was eating, and accompanying it was thrashing of arms and legs. And while I now know that it was reflux, I'm pretty sure at the time she was certain someone was trying to get her. Solidarity, Evie. Heartburn is the devil.
3. "I'm crying. For realz, yo" - This is a standard cry. It's the last of the "real" cries, and normally means "I'm really, REALLY hungry". It's the most annoying of the cries because I don't feel terrible that she's in pain for this one. I feel "STFU, I'm making your bottle already!". Of course I think this internally, and Evie gets the sweet baby voice. 'Cause when I'm in the kitchen and she's crying it's annoying. When I'm looking at her cute "OMG I'm about to eat!" face.. I melt. It's cute. I mean REALLY cute (I've only mentioned its cuteness 3 times in .037 seconds). She gets SO excited and has the widest eyes and squirms all around. Seriously. I'm pretty sure it's cute.
4. "Stop being a b*tch and pay attention to me!" - Ahh, the cry of "I'm starting to get hungry" or "Excuse me. You've had 15 seconds to eat dinner and use the bathroom. It's Evie time". It's these ridiculously dramatic wails interspersed with long pauses. The kind where, if she were older, I'd expect her to be looking back over her shoulder to make sure I was looking. She gets the drama from her daddy, and dear God help me if it gets worse.
5. "AHHHHHH EVERYTHING IS INTERESTING" - Otherwise known as overstimulation or overtired. This cry is kind of funny, because it's not really a cry. It's the beginning of a cry. Or a quick "WAH". Then nothing. Then another one. Then a weird noise. Then a giggle. Then a smile. Then another "WAH". Then she starts marching with her little feet. It's really rather hysterical. I have what is apparently called a "high energy" baby. There's a cute face that goes with this one, too. Wide eyes taking in the world. If her toy bar is on the rock n play, she bats furiously at them. If you feed her, she's asleep in T Minus 2 seconds. She's so excited and so tired that she has no idea what she's doing. This happens pretty much every night from about 6pm until feeding. It cracks me up at first, and then makes me want to punch myself in the face. And then cracks me up again. And by 7:30 when it's time to eat, I'm actually ready to put her down, which is a change from wanting nothing but her all. day. long. Another name for this cry could be "The long-winded way to eventually prepare mommy for separation when it's sleep time" cry.

My daughter is a peach. Unless she's really gassy or reflux-y, real cries are rare. She's probably the best creature that does live or has lived on this earth, and probably the universe. And if I ever need you to babysit, now you know what to do.