A Letter to Andrew

When Evie was very small, I wrote her letters in this blog. I had more time to devote because I came into the office every day, and I only had one small child. I haven't written as many to Andrew as my time is so fleeting between both kids and constant illness. But I want to. So here is my letter to Andrew.


My Dearest Andrew,


I love you with all that I am. You bring me so much joy and you complete our little family. Sometimes I think about how impossible it was for you to be here. After dealing with infertility and IVF and my kidneys and your early birth, to look at you is truly to look upon a miracle. You are my sweet sunshine, and I am your world. I can see it when I look at you. When you look into my eyes it's like you're staring into my soul. You don't look through me... it's like you think you can read my mind. Maybe you can for as well as we understand each other without spoken language.


I love the way I pick you up when you're sleepy, and you go completely limp in my arms, safe and comfy with my heart beating against you. I love how independent you are - the way you walk and roam and play and always find things to do, but also always return to me - to home base. Even if it's just for a moment to stand between my knees and giggle at the chuggers on TV with a tiny bit of support for your tired legs. I love when I'm sitting on the floor and you race towards me, falling into my lap giggling, waiting patiently to be tickled. And when you're not feeling quite so patient and take my hands and put them on your legs! I love how you're a little engineer. You love to figure out how things work and solve problems. Yesterday you turned the Xbox on and off for 3 solid minutes because you figured out that you could make it light up and make noises. And you're so proud of yourself when you figure out how to do something, like climb up onto the couch. I love when I hold you and you chew on my shoulder, and when you raise up your arms expecting tickles. You're so much like me. In the morning when I get you out of your crib, you quickly roll onto your belly and wait for me to rub your back. You laugh, and when I brush your cheek with my fingers you giggle and smile the sweetest little smile.


You were such an unexpected little blessing, but you've brought more joy into my life than I ever expected to experience. This morning I forgot my phone charger at home, and when I went to get it, daddy brought you to the door. I kissed your head and you put your arms out for me, but daddy took you inside so I could go to work. I heard you whining and my heart ached for you. I never want to leave you and I never want you to be sad. I love you more than I will ever be able to express in words, my sweet Littlest. Please always know that you and your sister are the best things that ever happened to me, and I thank God each and every day for you both.


Love always and forever,


Mommy

It's May Already?

OK, Ok. I might be the worst blogger in the history of the world. But to be fair, my life is pretty busy. My kidneys have gone pretty far down the toilet, but I still manage to work full time, take care of 2 babies, and be a wife. Kind of. I'm still waiting to lose a teeny bit of kidney function before testing my brother for a transplant match, but with less than 25% kidney function, I feel like crap most of the time. The good news is while I'm waiting I 'm trying to lose some weight and gather up some money and some comp time. I'm trying to trust God's timing. He hasn't failed me yet.

 

First up for the updates is the tiniest one. He's not completely tiny anymore. He's coming up on 16 months actual age and is 32 inches and 22.10 lb! He seems to be a little bit delayed, but nothing super worrisome. We're having Evie's specialists evaluate him just to get someone more specialized than their pedi in on it, but he was 2 months early, and 2 months is a lot of time when you're 1. He's babbling pretty much constantly, but doesn't really say words. He does say mama occasionally when he really wants my attention, so I believe he does have 1 word solidly down. For a while we were sure he just couldn't hear because he doesn't respond to his name, but he has fantastic eye contact and such which was a worry with E in the beginning. We took him to get his hearing checked and it's fine, so our case manager is thinking it might be an issue where he can hear sounds, but his brain can't sort out sounds when there is a lot going on. We're checking into that. But he's responsive and engaging and babbles a lot so they're thinking it's something to do with processing or just being a preemie. He's not walking, but he tries. He will let go of things and take one or two steps but then he falls. The pedi isn't concerned with that because again, he was 2 months early, and he's progressing, not regressing. Basically we're just trying to sort out if he's still catching up from being born early or if he does need some extra help like E did. One thing is for sure... he's a happy kid! He sleeps through the night every night. He always wants to cuddle me, and how can I say no with these eyes looking up at me!?

 

 

 

 

I took him to the park last week and he was not impressed. To be fair it was really hot and sunny. He likes to be outside when there's wind, but he just doesn't know what to make of grass yet.

 

 

He can walk across a room with his walker, and stand for a bit if he lets go. He's pretty proud of himself about it, too.

 

 

He's also a big nerd like his mommy. I know he's too little to really be into a lot of things, but his favorite thing on TV is the Star Wars Rebels commercial, so that counts for something.

Evie is something else entirely. She's my little ball of energy. She's a topsy-turvy whirlwind. We call her the tornado for a reason. But she is SO MUCH FUN. If this little girl can't put a smile on your face then you have no soul. She's hilarious and loving and just wants to be with me all the time. She started school last month. She's 3 and she takes a bus every day and does amazingly. She never cries, but just gets on and goes to school and has fun. She's learning so much in her prep program about how to function in a classroom, so we have hope she'll be able to sit still for kindergarten. She seems to have pretty severe ADHD and some Sensory stuff, so it's tough for her, but she is doing well. Her teacher told me she's incredibly smart and knows tons of things and uses ridiculous complete sentences, which of course makes me absolutely thrilled. She speaks in full sentences a lot, and has words that I wouldn't imagine coming from a 3 year old. She plays pretend now like any other child. She knows shapes like "cylinder" and she can read a little. Site words of course, but pretty big ones, like "chicken". The other day she pointed out where her heart and lungs were. She knows most of her letters (though whether she'll tell you them is another story). She knows every color under the sun and can count pretty high. I think 20 right now. She does not stop singing. Ever. And she's on key, which is the ridiculous part about hearing her sing things like "Let it go". Yes, she loves Frozen like every other little kid. She's super into Disney Princesses right now. Movies, little people, castles, towers. Anything princess, and it's adorable. We're still working on the potty. As long as we remember to put her on it she goes just fine, but she still forgets sometimes to tell us. She doesn't seem to mind the potty but she doesn't mind going in her pull-up either. It's getting better every day though. Sometimes she just walks over and sits on the potty of her own accord. I'm confident I will not have an untrained 4 year old. I expected a delay with her processing troubles and us having to take care of the baby and unable to stick to as strict a schedule as we would like.

We took her to a small fair a few weeks ago. For some reason my mom put an 18M shirt on her that doesn't match her skirt, so... pardon that. She LOVES rides.

 

And this is this morning with her big girl backpack on waiting for the school bus with mommy and daddy. She's so ready to go. 

 

So that's us. Our life in a nutshell. Work, sleep, eat, kids, repeat. It's a pretty good place to be. It would be nice to get a break a little more often. I don't see my husband that much because we work opposite schedules. We're going to a wedding (alone!) in a few weeks, so that will be nice. We also have a family vacation planned in November and a small weekend trip this summer. He's taking Sunday nights off, too, so we can spend it together. There are so many things I want to do with the kids coming up and I'm so grateful to be able to plan little outings for us. We're tired. I'm exhausted. But we have a sweet little family and our kids are happy. I can't really ask for much more.

A Long Overdue Update

I know, I know. I'm a total slacker. I admit it. The thing is, life has been pretty crazy. Andrew turned 1, then Evie turned 3. I'm still working full time, and my kidneys are still really terrible. Slowly but surely getting worse. 4% more to go and I can get a transplant!

Of course this weighs on my mind, and I'm just exhausted most of the time. I try to make life as normal as possible for the kids, though.

Evie started a prep program at a local elementary school. She goes 4 days a week for half days and she's doing really well. She started her new daycare today, and though my husband dropped her off, I was on the phone for it, and she seems completely fine, and that makes me happy. she tends to get a little overwhelmed after a while, and cries some at school, but she's only gone 3 days, and I think she just needs to get used to the routine. At her old daycare she screamed all day for a month, so this is progress. She knows letters and numbers and shapes, and is really prepared for kindergarten already. She loves to sing and sings all day long. Her speech is wonderful now, and she's really showing interest in hobbies. She loves playing with Disney princesses and My Little Ponies. She loves superheroes of any variety. And she still loves to be outside. All she wants in life is to run around outside, and I'm so happy that that's important to her. She's really into mommy right now. Everywhere she goes she asks for me. She follows me around the house. She tells me she misses me if I go to the bathroom. It's so sweet, but also a little overwhelming. She can be an overwhelming child, but she's also the most amazing little girl I've ever known, imagined, or heard about!

Andrew is the happiest little guy ever. I mean this kid is so content to just play with toys and talk to himself. He loves to cuddle his mommy (even though he normally wants to be put back down after like 10 seconds). He always strays and then comes back to make sure I'm still there. He sleeps 12 hours a night every night. Almost without fail. We're so blessed on the sleep front. He loves Chugginton, and he loves just motoring around. He's not walking yet at 14.5 months, but he was almost 2 months early. He does pull up and try to take steps, but he doesn't have good balance yet. He also doesn't have any words. For a while I thought it was a function of his prematurity, but at this point I'm fairly certain he is partially deaf. We're going to find out on Thursday. He's very engaging, but he doesn't respond to his name at all. You can scream right behind him and he doesn't even flinch. I'm a little nervous, but whatever happens we'll deal. He's such a wondeful little man.

I really feel like I hit the lottery with my kids. Yes, Evie has sensory issues and can throw a heck of a tantrum if she's tired, but she's just so smart and sweet and Andrew is as well. They're such amazing little people. So here are some recent pictures!

The next few pictures are from Easter. Evie found a "mister egg" with a pony in it, and Andrew and his daddy are enjoying the great weather.

 

The next two are just Evie being Evie. We went outside to play and she declared a tree she found "my tree" and there she is pointing out which one.

 

 

We also went to Florida! My parents have a house there so we went for a few days. Evie had a total meltdown in the airport through security and waiting in line when they called us to board. At the gate and on the plane she was totally fine. On the way back we got priority boarding on the basis of disability (SPD) and it was great! She got straight on the plane and didn't have to stand in the tunnel, so she was awesome. She only got upset through security! I think she has some claustrophobia because she didn't like when I shut her window. As you can see, Andrew did fine haha. On the way home, we boarded at his bed time, so he screamed and screamed. People kept sitting in front of us and then moving. I kept saying that as soon as we moved he'd be fine, and he was. The second we started to taxi he fell asleep and both kids were quiet the rest of the flight. Everyone was looking at us in either terror or solidarity, but the kids proved they are just as good as mommy says they are! Evie does have a bit of a seat-kicking habit, though, so my dad sat in front of her seat. It worked out because E, my mom, and Andrew and I had a whole row and my dad got to sit in front and read and sleep.

 

 

 

It was an odd trip for Andrew, though. I just finished saying he's really good, and he is, but he cut two teeth while we were there, and he was super whiny when we were in the house. I think he just missed certain toys and tv channels. Plus the entire ordeal was a new experience. Evie has been on one vacation, but it wasn't far from home (no plane ride). Andrew has never been away from home before except for a night here or there. He'll get used to it. One thing they did love was that they could go outside. It was in the 40s for most of our trip back home, and in the 80s in Florida, so we went to the beach and the pool a lot. My parents have a huge screened in porch where Evie could safely be kind of outside, and she just loved it. I really cannot wait to go back.

'Twas the Week Before Christmas

It has been really difficult for me to get any pictures of Evie lately. At least non-blurry, non-cheesy-face photos. She's always moving, hence her nickname "tornado". She's so beautiful but I can't do her justice in pictures. I think it's time to break out the SLR and do some things for Christmas (with Andy's help) because I don't want to forget anything about this special time in our lives - our FIRST Christmas as a family! But first things first - updates!

Evie is doing a lot better with her motor skills. She's starting to feed herself a lot more these days. Her Occupational Therapist says she has all the knowledge of what things are and how to do them, but can't translate it into her movements. She's "locked". We think it's because she has ADHD and has impulsivity issues so when we ask her to draw a circle, she knows what it is, but her hand just wants to go and she ends up scribbling. We're working with her on that. She has so much knowledge, though, that she tested above her age in speech. She knows all her colors and shapes and asks for them by name. She knows a cylinder! How cool is that? She's completely in love with My Little Pony and Frozen, and she LOVES to sing. It's hilarious and adorable. She's become incredibly affectionate and she's always looking for me and talking to me and being amazing. She loves to give me things for her brother, and she gives him kisses all the time. When she wakes up she calls for him "Hi Bwubber!!" and she always wants to touch him. If she thinks he needs a jacket she'll bring it over, or a bib or something. It's so sweet.

Andrew, meanwhile, is growing up so fast. He's started saying "mama" to go along with the "dada" and it melts my heart into a puddle of goopy mess. I get to spend time with Evie every night when he goes to bed, so whenever Andy is home to play with Evie, I try to spend some time with Andrew in his room singing andplaying  and working on skills. I just want him to have some special mommy time as well. He's such a sweet boy. He sleeps all night just about every night. He wakes up happy from every nap and every night. I put him in his crib smiling at night and he puts himself to sleep and wakes up smiling, too. He's crawling and can get to a sitting position on his own now. He's not pulling up but that's mostly because there's so little to pull up on. He pulls up on my shirt, and he tries on his toys, but they aren't stable. When I stand him up at a toy he will try to reach for things and take a step or two. He's not walking or standing on his own, and I get a little nervous about that, but then I remember he wasn't supposed to be born until March, and I wouldn't expect a 9 month old to be walking! But he's spot on for his actual age for most things. He's eating some little solid foods like puffs and teething biscuits. He doesn't like the texture of things like banana so we're just trying every day until he gets used to it.

 

 

Since this year is our first year as a complete family, I got them a ton of stuff for Christmas. I can't wait until Christmas morning with both our babies. We're doing Santa, and Evie is starting to catch on that Santa brings her toys, so she gets super excited about Santa and Christmas. It's just such an amazing time for family and togetherness and celebrating our faith. I feel so blessed, especially now, to have my sweet little ones, and the ability to provide a Christmas for them. To have a church I really like to take them to, and so many people who love them to celebrate with us. It's a nice time of year. Buuuut I still can't wait for the weekend.

A Holiday Ramble

As Christmas approaches, I'm finding myself in an interesting spot this year. I've been thinking a lot about my impending kidney transplant evaluation, and it's been a little depressing. I've found comfort in shopping to relieve the fear. So I may or may not have spent way too much money on my kids for Christmas. I decided to consolidate the boxes of gifts, and I kept pulling toy after toy out and saying "I forgot about this"! My mom encouraged me to take some of it back but I can't bring myself to do it. I want to give my kids the world, and I want to see them happy. It's not difficult to make them happy - I'm pretty sure we made children with souls of saints. I'm not sure how this happened except by the grace of God, but I'm thankful for it.

This weekend we went through the kids' clothes and toys and donated a gigantic box of things we don't need to Goodwill and to a local family who needs help. This week we're putting up the tree and decorating, and I was feeling pretty good about my chances of decorating the lower portion of the tree since Evie seems to have a better handle on "not everything is food" these days. But then this happened:

 

 

He's been "crawling" for a bit now. Or at least I thought he was, but it turned out that he was rocking on his hands and knees and then rolling over when my back was turned and then getting back on hands and knees. He's a little trickster. But now he really is crawling. He's incredibly unsure of himself, but has no problems lifting an arm or leg up to reach things, and he's most definitely not out of "not everything is food". So I guess we'll have to watch the lower branches after all.

 

My parents were over to watch the kids while we organized their rooms. My mom's one wish for Christmas was to get a picture of the kids with her and my dad. This is the best I could do:

 

At least Evie's finger is not in her nose. It usually is, and is followed by sticking it in my face and yelling "BOOGER". She's so lady-like. I let her play with my phone a lot and every time I take it back it's covered in boogers. Mom life is glamorous.

Wednesday is my transplant evaluation, and it's going to last all day. It's going to be interesting and whatever happens I need to keep it together and be the best mom I can be to these sweet babies.

A Realization

I'm glad Christmas is fast approaching. I'm honestly going through a pretty difficult, anxiety-inducing time right now. I'm happy that I've chosen this time to avoid social media. It's been about 36 hours since I deleted the apps from my phone and my ipad, and it's already making me rethink my choices. It didn't take very long before I found myself idly scrolling to the Facebook app on my phone looking for the little red bubble that indicated I have notifications. I did this a number of times the first day. And I kept finding little blocks of time where I couldn't think of anything to do - time where I would have been reading Tumblr or Facebook. I kept reaching for my phone when I was with my kids, and I thought to myself "why don't I reach for my kids instead"? How many hours have I spent with my face in a screen while my kids played and watched TV without me?

So I'm pretty happy about this change right now. I'm not saying that I'll never be on social media again, but I wasted way too much time immersing myself in the lives of other people - often people I didn't even know - when I could have immersed myself in my own life. So that's what I want to do. I want to read books, exercise, explore, and show my kids everything.

And this? This is the season for it. Saturday we're putting up the Christmas tree and organizing the house. I'm wrapping gifts and I'm going to talk to my kids about santa and Jesus and all of that stuff. We have so many traditions and I'm happy to be sharing them with my family.

Twists, Turns, Bumps, and Bruises

Well life is good at throwing curveballs. I suppose nothing in specific happened, but I've been feeling "off" for a bit. I'm taking a break from social media and I want to start posting here more. This doesn't feel like social media to me. It feels like a place where I can say what I need to say, and hold on to memories I want to keep. Today is an odd day, though, so I may begin with a bit of a ramble.

The last few weeks have been tough ones with my husband. I know he has depression, but he's been so angry, and I don't think there's a whole lot I can do to help him since I can't control the depression. He misses home. He wants to be back in Philadelphia, and that's not in the cards right now. He hates his job, and feels hopeless about getting a new one since he's been trying for so long. It's a struggle to know what to say or do since I can't change anything for him. He has to do it himself but he's held so far back by depression. I hope medication helps him, but he's been sort of unbearable, so I hope it helps fast.

In the meantime I'm just trying to get through each day. My kidneys are getting worse, and I have the evaluation for transplant next week. I feel like I'm getting more and more tired and weaker by the day. It's a struggle sometimes to keep my eyes open as long as I need to. I make such an effort to be everything the kids need me to be, which leaves little energy left for everything else. I nap when they nap, I sleep when they sleep. I'm blessed with amazing sleepers, but I'm tired no matter how much sleep I get. I don't have the physical strength to stand for super long periods and do things. I get bursts where I can take the kids outside, and we can go shopping, but too much more is very draining. It's hard to accept how different life is now, and I hope and pray that it is my kidneys because if this is "normal" now I don't even know what to think.

I've been gaining weight back because I'm pretty depressed about it all. Most of my friends are too involved in their own lives to be there much for me, and it sucks, but I can't change that either. All I can do is appreciate the people who are there and make time for me no matter what. The list is short but it's full of wonderful people.

I have a number of great things to be thankful for, like my job, which allows me to work from home two days a week, and of course my children. As much as I don't want them to see a different mommy because I'm so weak, I still need their cuddles to make me feel better. Fortunately they're both ready and willing pretty much all the time. Evie is a random hugger and she insists on giving me kisses all the time now. Andrew gives me kisses too! They both love to laugh and play and they bring sunshine to otherwise cloudy days.

My parents have been trying to help me out more since Andy works very late some nights. It's nice, but the less Andy/parent overlap the better, and it causes stress for me when they are around each other too much. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make them get along but I can't, so all I can do is look at the good things around me. I've been spending a lot of time shopping for the kids and my family to take my mind off of things. I probably shouldn't, but I enjoy it, and I want to. Christmas is going to be really nice for my kids this year and nothing makes me happier. We're getting all the decorations out on Saturday and going through the kids' things to donate toys in preparation for the influx of new things. It'll be nice to have things sorted out, but again, Andy/parent overlap since they're coming to watch the kids for us.

In brighter news, Evie is talking up a storm. She sings and uses full sentences. She makes up little songs and games. She still adores Andrew, and asks for him as soon as she gets up every morning. He doesn't know what to make of her, but he's so sweet and good-natured. Which is exactly what we needed with Evie as.... I don't know... wild? As she is. They're a perfect pair, and Andy and I often discuss how incredibly blessed we are to have such amazing children.

Andrew is starting to stand, crawl, eat food, and do all of those things. He babbles all the time. I can't believe he'll be one next month. It's just gone by so quickly and I want him to stay little! But Evie's at an age I love, too, so I can't really complain too much. Here are the kids on Thanksgiving! Evie is with my mom.