The Mother of All Updates

Life is full of twists and turns and ups and downs. Honestly, that's not the reason I haven't been posting. I like to post from work and it's hard to get pictures. I wanted to put pictures in this post because it's so important to me to document how much the kids are changing. Evie looks like such a big girl. Andrew is such a little boy as opposed to a baby. I also warn that this post is going to be extremely long because SO MUCH has happened. I don't have pictures for everything because, again, it's so hard to get them here, but I still have a lot to talk about since my last post in March!

I'll start with Evie because her picture is at the top.

Can you believe this child? Look at her. Look how she's grown. Do you know she's wearing size 6 clothes? In girls'. No more toddlers, though I can get her in a 5T if I need to. She's something like 44 inches tall right now, too. I'm sure that, like me, she'll always be the tallest in her class. She is going into Pre-K next year, and they're working with her on her pencil grip. Her fine motor skills are still not great, but she's finally getting the pencil grip. She traces letters and numbers perfectly. Her teacher and I are certain she could just flat out write, but she doesn't have any confidence, so we're working on that. She's doing phonics... letter sounds and things. She knows all her letters and numbers, and is working on putting them together into words. She's also doing basic math. I've been told to stop worrying about teaching her academics because she picks them up through osmosis lol. I'm supposed to work with her on listening and understanding directions because her ADD is so bad things move out of her brain before she has a chance to comprehend. It's a work in progress, but she's only 4 and so, so smart. We'll get there.

Her imagination has turned into this bottomless pit of scenarios and people and characters. She's always someone. "I'm not Evie. I'm Officer Judy Hopps Bunny"! or Owlette or any number of people. She has whole conversations with the other characters, and if she doesn't have actual figures, she pretends her fingers are the characters.

She has always got me laughing about something. Everything that comes out of her mouth is hilarious, whether it's insisting that I say goodnight to her butt, or a story about school, or inviting herself to be the third wheel on a date with her 22 year old cousin.

My mom and I took her to her first movie this weekend to see Finding Dory. She was actually pretty good, and she loved the movie. She wants to go back every day. She's still super into swimming and playing outside, and wears me out like I can't imagine any other child on this earth could haha. She loves PJ Masks, Zootopia, The Lion Guard, and Bob the Builder. She's got a huge sweet tooth that we are having trouble overcoming without setting her off on a sweets-only adventure when she's old enough to decide for herself. She loves to eat ice cream and watch Bob with daddy, but we try to make sure that's only 2 nights a week. Sometimes we fail.

She's got an attitude. Partially because she's 4, and partially because she's mine haha. There's a lot of "You'll have to go to your room if you don't listen" going on in our household. But she's also so sweet and loves to cuddle and sit in our laps and she needs someone to lay with her at bed time, which can be annoying, but sometimes is just the sweetest thing. I love laying with my girl and playing  and talking about our day.

She is still not potty trained, and it's so embarrassing. She can go by herself, and poops on the potty, but she just does not want to pull herself away from what she's doing to go, so unless we offer some sort of reward she just doesn't care. It's frustrating but at least she knows what to do and does it sometimes. I mean.. that's something... I think.



 

Next up is Andrew.



Andrew was a huge surprise for us, as you all know. Looking back on my older Facebook posts around this time is funny to me because I was writing about how tired I was, or throwing up, etc. and I found out it was because I was pregnant. It never ceases to amaze me. Life with two children is definitely more difficult, but I don't think I ever could've felt complete without Andrew. He is such a special little boy.


We took him to a geneticist a few months back. We didn't learn anything, and are waiting on some test results. She said he has a couple of dysmorphic features which could indicate something genetic, but nothing really stood out to her, so we're just going to run the battery and see what happens. The test we really wanted isn't covered by insurance so we're going to see how we can get that one done and wait on the results from the others in the meantime. Unfortunately he's still not speaking, but we did decide to seek extra therapy, so he now sees a private speech therapist twice a week. We're working with him on signing, and just understanding that he needs to "ask" in some way before receiving something. He's starting to pick it up slowly. Sometimes I swear he's saying words. His state-provided therapist even said he said "go". Sometimes when I ask him questions I'm almost certain he says "yes" in response. I really don't know what's going to happen in the future, but we're trying. They also do feeding therapy and hopefully that will help because he still won't eat solids. Can. But won't.

On the up side, he's definitely learning. He helps me get him dressed and tries to hang up his coat when he comes in (though he's too short to reach). He's starting, albeit very slowly, to understand utensils. Andy has been working with him on that and I'm really proud of their progress. With learning also comes the terrible 2s. He's climbing over everything, getting into everything, and currently obsessed with closing doors. He's stealing toys from his sister and throwing little tantrums like any other 2 year old. It's kind of silly how happy those things make me, but he's expressing himself and interacting with her, and that's progress. I think at times he still sees her as an obstacle. He doesn't snuggle with her like he does with us, but I think that's because he sees her as "the one that takes my toys" or "the one that won't stop touching me" haha. She loves him so much and I hope he opens up to her soon.

He's doing so incredibly well in daycare. He doesn't cry or anything. He just goes in and starts playing. He's starting to interact with his teachers and school friends. Not a ton, but he is making eye contact, and he always wants his teachers to hold him (really, he wants any and everyone to hold him. He was in his new speech therapists' lap after 5 minutes). He comes over to the mat for story time and sits with his friends. It's just been a great experience for him and to see him interacting with other kids is really nice. He has interacted with Evie. He'll roll around on her and take her blankets and things. I just want them to be close. They're so close in age and she loves him so much. I think he's just not sure what to make of her. She can be overwhelming.

He's also very, very attached to me. It doesn't matter where he is or what he's doing or who he's with. If he sees me? He wants up. He runs to me and throws himself into my arms. He follows me around the house. He stands and watches TV between my knees, and climbs up into my lap and back down about a thousand times a day. He snuggles with me, and the last two nights, he's given me real kisses. Like... lean in, plant one right on me, unquestionable, undeniably... kisses. It can get tough because E needs me, too, but usually she's pretty good about understanding that he's a baby, and she's also not nearly as touchy as he is. She loves hugs and kisses, but just not constantly.

And for the most part, he's still just the sweetest thing. Sleeps like an angel, rarely gets upset (aside from the tantrums since he's 2!). He just adds something to our lives that was missing. It's impossible to be sad with him loving on me all the time!

I got pictures done for Andy for Father's Day, and this is the one I ended up framing. Andrew was MISERABLE the entire shoot, so we did the best we could.

So that's the kids, but what about Andy and I? Well, we'll talk about Andy first.

I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but he got a new job. He started working at Paypal at the end of March, and last week was his first week on the floor. He's trying to adjust to his new schedule. He works 4 ten hour days, 12-11 (including lunch) so he's home really late. He is off weekends though and that's been nice for us to be able to plan things to do together. It's a big change though working such long hours, so he and the kids have been missing each other. The good news for me is he's taking them to school in the morning so I can go straight to work. And the money helps. He makes way, way more than he did at Wawa, and gets overtime and holidays and vacation and such. It's just really nice to have a little security. He has benefits and a 401K and stuff, too. And I think he's happier. All he's wanted to do was just contribute more financially and he's doing that now and he feels good supporting his family. I'm just so glad this happened for him, and there's so much room for growth.

And me. Well, it turned out that my brother is a match for me for a transplant. He's on the second round of testing, and we're hoping for a Fall transplant. We were looking at September, but he's been out of town a lot so it may end up being October. The kids and I are going to have to stay  with my parents for a while because Andy's schedule is not conducive to my recovery. I'm thankful they have agreed to help me because he can't be off that long and I can't lift or drive or anything, and I can't tell a 2 year old not to roll around on mommy. I mean I can, but he doesn't get it. So they're going to help me wrangle the kids and get them to school and stuff. I just can't wait for all of this to be over! 

Andy and I are looking to buy a new house maybe next year, too, so I'm trying to cram in a bunch of house projects and he's being a pain about it, but we need more space, and he at least acknowledges that much. There's so much going on I feel like I never have time to sit down, but in all honesty things are pretty good. I just pray every day that God keeps giving us strength and helps us to make the right choices because sometimes I'm just not sure. What I do know is, as always, I'm blessed. 

Kidney News 2K16

When I started this blog in 2010, it was focused on having a baby. For the past six years I've written about the ups and downs of infertility and even a surprise pregnancy. But peppered within those family-centered writings have been notes of importance about my health. My children are the most important thing in the world to me. I adore them, and if I'd known it would happen in advance, I'd still have done it. But that does leave me having to face the fact that my kidneys went to hell in a hand basket. They would have anyway - it's the nature of the disease, and we tried everything we could to stop it. I've spent 6 years wondering "when". When would my kidney function drop so far I needed help? Would I have time to wait for a transplant or would I need dialysis? Finally, some of these questions have answers.


I've always said I just wanted to get my kidney transplant over with, and, while that remains true, there's a whole new set of circumstances to think about when it actually comes down to that time. And it finally has. My latest set of test results show my GFR at 17. Creatinine at 3.2. Which I thought would suck, but I was also ready to just move on. A few weeks ago my nephrologist started me on a medication for blood pressure that he said my make my creatinine jump a little. I was ok with that. Maybe I'd hit 20 GFR and get the ball rolling. But the results were much worse than I though, and, though he didn't say it, worse than my doctor expected. As it stands, I'm waiting for a re-test right now, that I'm pretty sure is to make sure I'm not in acute renal failure.


It's really stressful knowing basically nothing about what's going to happen, but at least I know I have an appointment on 4/11 to discuss it and get the ball rolling. My brother should be able to begin testing quickly. They are already verifying everything with my insurance for my part. I don't know how long it will take from start to finish, and until I get these test results, I don't know if I have a prayer of making it without dialysis.


I honestly don't know how we'll keep paying for things if I have to stop working for more than  8-10 weeks. And so many people on dialysis can't function well enough to work. That's why you get social security disability for ESRD. But that's not enough to pay our bills, and I certainly can't lighten the load by watching kids. I'll be physically unable. So I just pray I can keep working until transplant, take 10 weeks off, then work from home for a bit and then come back.


I'm looking at all the things I'll have to go through, hoping I'll pass the tests. And then the things they do during surgery. Ports in your neck, catheters in your pee hole, another huge, open surgery scar. I can't pick up my kids, and they can't lay on me for a few weeks. I'll have to be away from them for 7-10 days in the hospital. People bothering me all day and all night. I was supposed to stay with my parents for a bit when I came home because Andy will be working so much, and they could pick the kids up from school and make sure they don't jump on me, but I'd still get to be with them, but now their house won't be done. I hope they realize I will literally be of 0 help except to hand out cuddles for at least two weeks.


The good news is, if we get it done soon, it'll be over, and this whole mess will be in the past, at least for a while. Maybe by the next time I need a new kidney they'll be artificial. I'm hoping not to need as many hospital stays as my friend did after hers for various infections. I expect some hiccups, but I pray that for the most part it will be healthy momma and her babies doing all the things I 've been wanting to do. And Andy. Haha. All I can do for now is pray.

Time Passes By

Well, I guess it's been a while since I wrote here. Honestly the lack of gmail at work is a pain in the ass because I can't send pictures to this computer any other way. This post will be picture-free for now, but full of updates. Me first, because why not?




My health suuuucks. My hematocrit and hemoglobin and red blood cell count are lower. My creatinine is back up to 2.74, and I'm so tired I cannot handle it. I have been late to work a lot  and going to sleep early. I saw my nephrologist on Monday. Andy was telling him how hard it is on me to be in this constant holding pattern of "when are my kidneys going to fail" and he said pretty much... yep, it sucks, and I can't help you. We're trying a new medication that might.. help.. sort of? Except it might make my creatinine go up? Who knows. Seriously. I don't. He did say if we wanted to speed it up we could have another baby, but he wasn't serious. He just meant that short of doing something really damaging, there's nothing we can do but wait. Awesome.



Littlest is still the sweetest. He keeps getting fevers and he's super skinny. He's still not talking, but he is improving in every other way. Climbing on everything, babbling like crazy... going through books and not eating them. He's figured out that he's supposed to use the railing to come down the stairs, but he can't reach it yet so he just stands there and tries. My sweetie boy. He's still having trouble with table food, but we keep trying, and he finally today took a sippy cup. The kind that looks like a bottle but.. it's a sippy, dammit. One of his therapists suggested private speech therapy, but I found out our insurance won't cover a delay, only something directly tied to a disorder. But the neurologist was very clear that he didn't think Andrew fit the criteria for Autism. Though he did think we should talk with the autism clinic to be sure. I think what I want to do is see the geneticist and get some tests done, and if they don't show anything, follow up with the Autism clinic. He needs therapy, but I don't want to put a label on him that he doesn't have? If he does, then it's whatever because he's the same kid I love to bits no matter what label he has. I just want to do whatever is right FOR HIM. His body type is a little concerning to me as far as genetic things as well. He is gaining weight and growing, but he's incredibly skinny for his height. People have commented on it, and I mean I can see every vertebrae in his spine, every rib. I can see all the muscles in his legs. He eats and drinks a lot. So I just want to rule all of that out before we go in the direction of something that can vary by opinion. With genetic issues, he either has it or he doesn't. With Autism it's kind of subjective. When it gets closer to Thanksgiving he'll be starting a prep program like Evie, though, and I think that will be good for him. He's still my snuggle bunny. He just wants me to hold him all the time and tickle him and kiss him. He HATES baths. He likes water, like in pools? HATES baths. I am starting to wonder if it's the loud sound of the faucet, but I will have to do some tests to see. He loves loves loves being outside. He just wants to run and climb and feel the wind in his hair. He seriously makes the CUTEST faces when he's outside. He likes going to the store with me or Andy.. just any sort of time out of the house. Still loves Chuggington, still sleeps like an angel at night. His naps are getting kind of crappy, but he likes being in his crib either way. He's so smart and loves to figure out how things work. Which is cool except when you combine it with his love for the outdoors, you have him figuring out how to open doors to the outside. No good, friends. He's home with his daddy a lot these days. Sometimes my parents watch him, and I'm home Thursday-Sunday. I'm working Thurs and Fri but that doesn't mean I can't cuddle the crap out of him. It's nice that he gets a lot of time with each of us. We all just love him so much!


Evie is... Evie. And that's not a bad thing. She's just such an individual! She cracks me up all the time. She has me in tears regularly. She's still not potty trained because she's just so dang stubborn. It's frustrating, but we'll get there. She's so incredibly smart. She knows her letters and letter sounds, and she's built those foundations for reading and I can't wait to do that with her. Her vocabulary is incredible. She randomly uses words like "Catastrophe" and "stunning" properly in a sentence. I cannot wrap my brain around how smart she is. And stubborn. Did I mention stubborn? She wants to do things the way she wants to do them and when she wants to do them, and she's very dramatic about things like having to pick up her crayons, or not being allowed to eat a 4th slice of cheese. She loves Paw Patrol and The Lion Guard right now, and she's always pretending to be someone. Or she'll address me by a pup's name or call me Kion. She's hilarious and I LOVE her imagination. For posterity, I have to notate a few of the ridiculous things she's said this week.


*Puts a booger on her upper lip* "Look at my beautiful mustache"!
*Popi asks her if she's pooping "I'll never tell you".


Where does she come up with this?


I swear, I say this all the time, but I'm blessed with the most amazing kids. We'll get to the root of what's up with Andrew, but he'll get there. He's so smart and we just need to get those words out.

Thought Jumbles and Babies

I think this is going to be an odd post, but I have some feelings I think I need to work through and I have decided to do it here, where I keep real records of things I can look back on and show my babies one day. And that's where the problem lies. Oh, babies. They're so sweet and tiny and they smell so good  and wear the cutest little clothes. Newborn poops don't even smell. They're like dolls only perfect and 1000 times better. By the time Evie was Andrew's age (he'll be 2 NEXT WEEK) she already had a little brother. Of course I'm going to spend ample time discussing the amazing little angel that is my Andrew come next week, but today my thoughts are on my other babies.


Other babies, you say? Yeah, it doesn't work for everyone, but for me, the 3 embryos we have in storage are my babies. We've picked out another couple to adopt them, and I'm happy with that choice. We haven't actually signed the papers because they have to be notarized and it's almost actually impossible to get to the notary together with my husband. That's happening tomorrow. And that's it. Once those papers are in the mail, those babies belong to someone else. I'm happy that we chose a semi-open adoption. That I can have pictures and things of them, and send letters. But it's still so hard. What if they look just like my kids? What will I tell my kids? What will Troy and Nicole tell theirs? The thing is, I don't want them to think they were unwanted, because they weren't. They were oh so wanted, and Andy and I promised ourselves we'd give every single one of them a chance. I was stoked to have 3 because I thought the chances would be that 1 wouldn't work, and I was ok with 2 or 3 kids. Then Andrew happened by extraordinarily happy surprise, and it turned out that my body couldn't do it. Let me say now that I wouldn't change anything. None of it. My children are perfect. At least to me. But I still need to give those other 3 a chance, and I know T & N are going to be amazing parents. I just don't want those kids to think we gave them up because we wanted to. And honestly, it eats at me sometimes. In a different way, certainly, than people who give up newborns. But they're still a part of us. They're still going to look like us and have full-fledged siblings they don't know. I'd love for them to meet, but I don't know how T & N will feel. I just hope they pass on our love. And the fact that none of this was by choice.


The truth is, I'm not sure I'm ready to be done having kids. When we went to Philly to see my new niece, it sort of had the opposite effect that I wanted. I figured I'd go to sleep and every time I got up to pee, I'd hear a screaming baby. But Alicia and TJ were really on top of it, and there was only 1 time she cried and cried, and you know what I was thinking? I miss that. Am I crazy? Probably. It's almost like I forget my own kids being that size. I know they were. They were actually both a pound or more smaller than Hope, and she's a little nugget! I remember holding Andrew in my hands and being shocked out how tiny his little head was. I remember a newborn Evie sleeping on my chest. But it's all so far away it feels like a dream. Could my Evie really have been THAT small? It seems impossible, though I know it wasn't. And I touched Hope's hair and it felt like velvet and her cheeks were so soft. And part of me wants that again. I set this arbitrary "35" cut-off for having kids, and I just turned 35. There's still time. And you know what the most ridiculous part is? I miss the feeling of wondering if this could be the month. Even though it never was while we were trying. But the month with Andrew... when I started to notice little things. The anticipation in the minute before the line appeared on that test. The complete whirlwind of trying to figure out how to be a functional person with horrible morning sickness and just the knowledge of a new little person! Would it be a boy or a girl? Was it OK in there? What did it look like? When was my due date?


I know, deep down, on the surface, and I feel in my bones that I can't have another baby. My body couldn't take it. Stupid things like "Well after you get your transplant..." pop into my head and I squash them. Andy has NO interest in another baby. In all honesty, kids are hard, and we're finally starting to get some sort of structure back into our lives. Evie and Andrew sleep. Andrew sleeps like an angel, tbh, and I know if we had another kid it just wouldn't happen. Evie is such a delight. She's so funny and sweet. I love it when she does things like walk out the door saying "Bye Marshall! Bye Chase (Paw Patrol)! Love you!" And then takes my hand with a "Come on, mommy". Andrew is the sweetest boy on earth. He's so happy and he loves loves loves to cuddle. Our third kid would probably hate me lol. I couldn't handle it.  I know those are dumb excuses. But, we DO need to find time to spend helping Andrew and we barely have that, and I can't do anything else to infringe upon that. He needs us to help and support him.


Oh yeah, and I'd die. That's probably an important factor. I'd die and leave both my children motherless, my husband a single dad of two kids... yeah. No. I don't want that.


I think for the next couple years, until I'm at an age where it would be socially super weird to have kids, it'll always be in the back of my mind. But at least for now I have my sweet niece to cuddle, and pretty soon my friend's baby. Heck maybe my brother will have one one day. And I can continue to sleep at night, and think about the amazing adventures I can take my kids on now that they're walking and doing cool stuff. I have to put my trust in people I don't know to take care of my embryos, but I'm doing it. I trust them. I have so many feels for these people and what they're doing. I just want to hug them and tell them they mean the world to me. Even if I don't get to raise these kids, I know they're somewhere they'll be happy with parents who will rejoice over them. It's the right thing to do all around. But I still miss snuggling my own sleepy newborns.

Christmas Part 2

The kids were finally healthy for Christmas, meaning we got to do all of the things we like with my family. We didn't get up to PA because we're going this weekend to meet the new baby (more on that later). Before we went to do the family stuff, though, we had to get a hair cut. It was semi-traumatic for me because... well.. look at him!!

He turned into a handsome little man in 20 minutes. He was an adorable baby! Look at this. And he knows it. He's so smug.



And this was a little before that, but I got him eating some table food. It's not any sort of huge revelation, but... a cracker is adult foo, and he ate it, and that was pretty cool. I really want to transition him to more table foods, so at least it was a start.



I just threw this picture of Evie in here because she's so beautiful.



I tried to get pictures of the kids in their Christmas outfits, but... yeah no. Evie was jumping around like crazy. .She was so good but so excited. I got her a basic knit dress, but it had a super frilly bottom that was so cute. I tried to add a picture of Andrew in his outfit but the firewall at work said no, so I'm going to put one in of him later. He had a bowtie!



Christmas Eve we got home really late after dinner at my brother's house, but Andy had to do our traditions with Evie. Andrew was way too tired. Here they are writing a letter to santa and setting up cookies. And maybe eating some. They also put out "reindeer food". Santa couldn't eat all the cookies because Evie tried to give him too many.



Santa brought lots of toys for the kids, and the sweetest little blanket for Andrew. It's a hand-made Chuggington blanket with his name embroidered. I'm not sure who likes it more - him or me. They got this Paw Patrol ball pit and Evie is so in love with it. She also got a Rapunzel tower that came with a little people Flynn Rider. Yay!



 

But Christmas is wasn't over then. On Christmas day we went to my aunt's house. The kids were super good and I got to eat! And my parents brought Evie another present, so she was happy. And Saturday we're going up to see Andy's family, and they're getting more presents. They're spoiled and it's ridiculous, but I'm glad they're happy. But the other cool thing is that Andy's sister had her baby, Hope, yesterday. So we get to see her on Saturday! I can't wait! She's so little and my kids have a cousin which was something I wasn't sure would ever happen. I'm so excited to hold her and love on her and for the kids to meet her.

Post-Christmas Update Part 1

Happy Holidays and I guess Happy New Year everyone! We all know I won't post again before then so I might as well say it now.

I wish I could say it has been quiet, but boy would that be a lie. The truth is, things have been nuts since vacation. Between the four of us we've had 2 cases of bronchitis, one broken arm, 2 pink eyes, 3 infected ears, 4 stomach viruses, and one virus that I'm positive came straight from hell. But, by some miracle, it was all cleared up for Christmas. And it hasn't been all bad. I guess I'll go kid by kid, and we'll start with Evie, because the thing you're probably wondering about the most is the broken arm, and that belongs to her.

Other things belonging to Evie include 1 of the infected ears, 1 case of bronchitis, and 1 stomach virus. Since this all occurred over the course of about 5 weeks, we really didn't sleep... like.. at all... for a while. The night before Thanksgiving I got a phone call on my way home from work. "Hi, it's [Evie's daycare]. We just wanted to let you know that she fell on the playground. She's OK! But she's babying her arm a little". I'm already on my way, so there isn't much I can do. But I did have 40 more minutes of drive to be upset about it. When I got there, she was laying down on a table looking a serious mess. As soon as she saw me she said "Mommy I hurt my arm. I need a doctor". And of course I could tell by looking at her that she did need a doctor! So I scooped her up and we went straight to the hospital. She wasn't crying, but she was clearly in pain. I couldn't tell where it hurt, so I just held her. The hospital was full... like.. patients on gurneys in the hallways full. The waiting room was full as well, and nurses were coming around to take vitals. Evie had fallen asleep in my arms, but she kept moaning and groaning, so one of the nurses asked me what was wrong. I told them, and they told me to hold on a minute. I did, and while I was waiting, people around me were saying things like "Oh that poor baby" because she's 3 and clearly hurt. So the nurse comes back out and motions for me to follow her. They'd somehow moved me up in line and gotten us an actual room. It only took a few minutes to get us to X-Ray, where I had to hold Evie's arm in a million different directions. She was so good I can't even explain it. Not ten minutes later we got the official word that it was broken. I was kind of infuriated at first that daycare wasn't more concerned. But I was also thinking "Oh it's probably a sprain or a pulled muscle" so I couldn't be that mad. You don't expect a person of any age with a broken arm to keep trying to play afterwards. It was a rough month trying to keep a sling on that child, but it's done with now and she's back to herself.

The thing that's strange is that her self-regulation abilities seem to have multiplied 10-fold  almost overnight. She hasn't had a meltdown in a while. I haven't had to carry her out of any public places, including doctors and hospitals, restaurants, etc. She had a huge tantrum in Target because I didn't buy her a toy, but we've been back twice since with no toys and no tantrums. She's been such a joy. She has days where she acts out, but for the most part she's just been a wonderful little person who wants to play and cuddle. I had a conference with her teachers at daycare (which they run like a preschool) and they said the same thing. She's been much more calm and willing to participate. I mean she clearly still has ADHD and sometimes wanders around, but less so than she used to. They also showed me some of her "tests" for letters and numbers and things and said she's actually ahead in math and literacy. And that she's hilarious, sings all the time, and wants to be a doctor when she grows up. It's amazing for me to think of her at 2, barely talking, not knowing how to play with toys, not cuddling, not singing... and then to think of her at almost 4, ahead academically, talking non-stop, and using all her toys as designed. She knows her letters and numbers by sight. She knows the sounds for some letters, but her teacher admitted she thinks she knows a lot more. It's hard to test E because she wanders off after a few minutes. Which we're working on at "big girl" school. She's just so funny and sweet and smart and every time I look at her I melt. I just want to kiss her all the time, and sometimes she acquiesces. Sometimes she looks at me like I'm a moron, but it doesn't matter. She's my best girl.

I feel terrible sometimes because she wants to play ALL the time, and sometimes I am just. so. tired. I can't explain to  a 3 year old that mommy's kidneys don't work right so mommy doesn't have energy. I just want to sit on the couch and I feel like a failure to my kids for that. She wants to play games and make up stories (she has the most vivid, wild imagination) and I... can barely keep my eyes open. I have no doubt she knows how special she is, and how much I love her, but I wish I could be there more for that kind of stuff.

And the same goes for Andrew. Only with Andrew, things are more complicated.

We saw a neurologist earlier this month. At the beginning of the appointment he was leaning in the autism direction, but by the end he said he was not comfortable with that because he was seeing too much eye contact and looking for affection, so he went with Global Developmental Delay. Which is such a scary thing because there's no way to predict an outcome at this point. Evie technically had GDD as well, and now she's ahead instead of behind. But she also had some words, which Andrew doesn't. There are a lot of similarities, but a lot of differences as well, so at this point we are looking for a cause for the GDD. He had an EEG last week which we're told was normal. So that's a relief and one box checked off. Next is an MRI and a SNP array (a basic genetic screen). If those don't show anything, and we're hoping they don't, we're... stuck. When there is a designated cause, there is usually a predictable outcome for where the GDD will end up. When there isn't, you just have to wait and see. Which is terrifying for me, but I'd rather he didn't have something specific. Because then at least he has a good shot at catching up. People keep telling me stories of their kids with language delays and things, and it makes me feel like I'm being kind of an overbearing jerk for putting him through the testing. But at the same time, I'm his mother, and I KNOW my son. I know something is not exactly "normal" and I want him to have every opportunity to acquire the skills he needs. I want my son to live a normal life. I want him to be happy. I want him to have everything he wants and needs in life. I'll do anything to get that for him. And if it turns out that it was a simple delay - well OK! Great! But if not, I want to know I'm doing everything I can.

The truth is, I love Andrew... I don't even know how to say it. I can't quantify it. I look at him, and just like with Evie, my heart swells and I think "You are the perfect child for me". Any challenges are really inconsequential in the long run because both of these kids have stolen my heart and run away with it.

Here are a couple of sick pictures :( He saw 4 doctors in 4 days. The bottom one was right before his EEG when he was feeling better.

With Andrew, I spend most of my time holding him, cuddling him, and tickling. We do hand-over-hand playing with toys, but it doesn't make him laugh the way he does when he's on the floor and I give him little tickles. He'll hold his arms and legs out for tickles and it cracks me up because I do the same thing to Andy. And he (the baby) will just stare at my face like the sun shines out of my eyeballs or something. Like I'm his world. And I think I am. He always runs to me, lunging for me with outstretched arms, burying his little face in my shoulder, giggling at my snuggles and kisses. He still loves Chuggington, but it's hard to get him to play with most toys other than chewing on them. We keep trying. He'll get it eventually.

Sometimes I feel like my time with these two has just gone by too quickly. If the first 4 years have gone this fast, what will the next 4 years be like? Pretty soon they'll be 18 and 16 and out all the time and not wanting to hang out with their silly old mother. And I am already trying to prepare myself for that. For the teenage years, for college, for weddings... for a time when they don't just want to be with me all the time. Part of me wishes I could keep them 2 and 4 forever because I love this age so much. Because they love ME so much! But I know they have so much to go out and accomplish in this world. I just hope when they're older and out doing their own things, that they still know I love them in this... unfathomable way. This solid foundation of neverending love that I could never express to them in a million years with  a million words. To say they're my everything is not enough. They're... everything and more.

 

 

Vacation All I Ever Wanted

We did a thing! A vacation thing. We went to visit my parents in Florida for a week. It was fun but also stressful and... about as unrelaxing as a vacation can be. I suppose that's life with two small children. We flew in on a Saturday afternoon. The kids were pretty good on the plane. Evie was a little whiny but no big deal, and no one broke down through TSA this time. OK I almost did, but people were being so rude. The kids were fine. Andrew was happy to watch tv and squirm and grope his neighbor, but she said it was OK because he's little.

 

 

 

 

 

When we got there we just got everything situated and chilled out. It's tiring flying with kids! So they promptly put themselves in front of the TV. 

 

 

The next day we were still too tired to do much. The kids went to sleep really late, and we had a pool, so we just went there. Andrew loves water, but he doesn't like to sit still, so it's tough with him. I had to follow him everywhere and he kept getting out.

 

 

 

Evie thought she owned the pool and did not care who was in it or what they were doing. Including us. She just wanted to run around and she didn't have swimmies, so eventually we had to leave because she wasn't listening.

 

The next day we went to Juno beach. Evie LOVES the beach, but she is so drawn to the ocean that she has a hard time staying away. I think it meets a lot of her sensory needs, but we had to have 2 people with her at all times, and eventually we had to leave because she couldn't stay away and the currents were strong. I hated taking her away but it was getting dangerous and this child can't listen. Honestly I think she just doesn't understand that somehing that feels good and meets her special needs can be dangerous.

 

Andrew was happy just to walk. Honestly this kid is just a happy guy. He wants to run and climb and as long as he can he's cool. He usually likes water but he couldn't understand why the water kept chasing him, so he mostly stayed on dry sand. Here he is with my mom, who is NOT an ocean person.

 

 

The water there is amazing. It's so clear and blue. I can't wait to get back to the beach by myself/with Andy. And with the kids when they understand danger a little better.

 

 

The next day we took the kids to a playground. It's not really a November activity up here, so it was nice for them to get to play and climb and run. The park is huge and enclosed and has tons of stuff for Evie. She had a blast, and Andrew walked around until he found a patch of flowers to sit in, and he just sat and watched the world. He's so sweet.

 

 

 

 

Tuesday night Andy and I went to happy hour on the water and got drinks (he may have had a few too many) and delicious food. And 2 hours to ourselves.

 

On Wednesday we went to a lagoon, which we had to leave early because... surprise! Evie wasn't listening. She kept running next to that wall on the left and I didn't want her to fall onto the big rocks there. She refused to listen, refused to not climb the lifeguard tower... etc. She had the biggest of big meltdowns when we left. Again, because there's so much sensory fulfillment and she just doesn't get the concept of danger. Prior to that, though, she played in the water, which was only chest height on her, with no waves or undertow. Andrew and I sat in the shallow part and saw crabs and fish. This place was awesome.   

 

My mom and I took Evie to a nature center. She was great on the tram ride and inside the center. We saw this cool turtle named Sirena, and I got a Christmas ornament for me and a fake snake for Evie. I don't know why she wanted that but.. she likes it, so it's cool.

 

 

My dad and I went snorkeling at the Blue Heron Bridge twice. The first time we didn't see much because the tide went out before we found what we were looking for. The second time we saw the whole thing and got video I'm waiting for my dad to cut for me. He saw a stingray but I missed it. I did not, however, miss the jellyfish. They're so cool to look at but not so much to get stung by. Ow.

 

 

This guy is Blue Heron famous. He's everywhere. He's in pamphlets, and was there when wer were down in March. People try to take him out further to keep him away from all the kids that pick him up, but he's having none of it.

 

My mom and I took Andrew to Juno pier on Friday. I was really hoping to see some huge fish or a shark fin, but no luck. It started storming as soon as we got back in anyway.

 

 

He did, however, get to use a super cool chopping cart, which, as you can see, he enjoyed.

 

This is Evie and daddy on the plane home. We were in the first row so she didn't have a tray but they made it work.

 

And this guy? Well... see for yourself.