Surprise!

OK I guess this deserves a bit of an explanation. But first - yes - I'm pregnant! I'm shocked and scared and excited. If you've been following me a while you know we tried for 14 months with no luck before trying IVF, and our first IVF cycle failed. We conceived Evie on cycle 2. We were pretty well infertile and thought of those people who got pregnant naturally as the lucky folks. You know the kind where it would never happen to you? Especially since we were not trying, and by that I mean... we never got much time alone. We have a 16 month old in a sleep regression. We had exactly 1 uninterrupted night to ourselves last month. We assumed since we weren't trying and those are crappy odds for fertiles, it just wouldn't be possible.

I've been having a lot of symptoms though. Starting with vivid dreams, super painful boobs, headaches, constant peeing.. that kind of thing. I took a test last Thursday and I thought I might have seen the shadow of a line but Andy said I was seeing things. So I waited a week and last night I had this very familiar sensation when I coughed that my uterus was going to come flying out of my butt hole. So I tested. And I sat and watched. And it was a cheap, Answer test with 5 to a box. And after about a minute or 2 (of a 5 minute window) I kind of thought I saw it. Really I knew I did, but I couldn't believe it, so I took the fastest shower ever and came back out and there it was. Clear as day. I tested again this morning and then took a digi.

So here we are. Andy's tumor is gone but he had other issues contributing to our MFI. Plus I make TONS of empty follicles. And.. the timing. But I guess God wants this baby here, and I'm ready to receive it. We have a lot of planning to do, but... here we are.

And since there was only 1 night we could have conceived, I've determined I'm 4w4d with a due date of March 1. But since we'll be delivering early again, baby 2 will be here before E's second birthday. NEVER thought I'd be on my way to 2 under 2. This is surreal. I'm blessed and thankful to God for this little miracle.

And because she's cute, have a photo of E doing squish nose scrunch face last month:

Feelings

I don’t know how it’s possible, but I feel like my baby fever is almost as bad as it was before I had Evangeline. Perhaps it’s because she’s at a fantastic age. She’s been sleeping through the night for many months, she’s walking around and talking to people and just generally being awesome. Maybe it’s because Andy and I have been doing so well. Even with the stress of him not having a job, I’m really working against my OCD, and our occasional sessions together working on aligning our parenting strategies have helped a lot.


I see people announcing pregnancies and having babies and that longing is back to feel my tiny tot kicking around on the inside.

The problem is… well… me. My freaking kidneys. I know that my nephrologist would not want me to have another baby. He said as much once before. But it’s my body. And maybe this sounds ridiculous to people without serious, life-threatening diseases, but if I’m going to need a transplant anyway, I might as well get the most out of the kidneys I’ve got. Evie came out perfect and healthy, and I feel like if I lose these 50lb I’m trying to lose, I’ll be a total of 80lb lighter than when I got pregnant with her. So that should mitigate the pregnancy stress!

But that’s just one hurdle. We also have my RE and MFM. They both have to be on board. It was hard to get them on board the first time. But I really don’t feel like they should get to tell me what to do. If I was a “normal” person, and not infertile, they wouldn’t have a say. The embryos I have are MINE. They can’t tell me what to do (or not do) with them. Or they shouldn’t be able to.

I haven’t gotten my kidney tests done. My year of “ignore kidneys and focus on baby” is up. But I still don’t want to go back to that life. I have so few options and I’m terrified of Cellcept. Like I was ready to start it because I’m one to get things over with, but now that I’ve been sitting so long I am scared. The last time I had kidney medications they were infusions and I was sitting in the hospital hooked up to machines. I spent the days in pain trying not to pass out. I don’t want to feel like that. This is just a pill, but it’s a powerful pill that will completely destroy my immune system. And I don’t want to know it’s my only option. Which is what’s going to happen when I get my tests done.



I honestly thought after I had Evie I wouldn’t feel this way. Like my kidneys were totally secondary. My doctor always says “It was worth it, right?” And it was. It was so worth it I would literally do it again right now this minute. And I feel sort of greedy for wanting more. And it’s not that Evangeline isn’t enough. It’s just that… I don’t ever want her to be alone. I want her to always have family to share how amazing she is, and share her love with. And I won’t always be around. I’d love to be… but I can’t be. She doesn’t have any cousins and probably never will. And I want to experience it all again. All of the wondrous moments of being a mother. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done!

I also hate that my life and future are being dictated by this disease I have no (or very little) control over. Andy’s life, too.

We have the room for more children (at least 1 and they’d have their own rooms!). We live in a fantastic neighborhood with family close by. Great schools. And my God do we love. Andy and I love each other. We love our daughter. It just feels so wrong that this isn’t up to us. It’s up to doctors and two tiny organs that don’t want to do their jobs.

And I’d absolutely adopt children, but I already have 3 waiting for me. I want them. I want to give them their chance. If we didn’t, I’d probably be pushing for filling out adoption papers. But we do.

I’m so incredibly frustrated today that this isn’t up to me. It wasn’t up to me when we had to deal with Andy’s tumor and infertility. It wasn’t up to me whether we could even go through treatments. All of these things that so many people get so easily are taken away from us. Because of things we can’t control. So now I sit here and stare at pregnancy announcements once again, feeling as infertile as ever. I thought that would go away. I really did. As it turns out, not being able to have a child, be it your first or not, freaking sucks.

So I’m making the appointment and we’re going to the doctor and I fully expect her to tell me I need to use a gestational carrier which I clearly can’t afford. I expect my Nephrologist to warn strongly against it and get upset with me. Why do these people get to be angry that I want to bring another life into this world and shower it with love and affection?

It won’t be easy. Nothing ever is. But we’re going to see how it goes. It was a miracle the first time and we might need a bigger miracle this time. There’s always a little piece of me that thinks, with every test “Maybe this time will be the time that you’re healed”. So. Maybe this time.

Reflections

Last night I was feeling tired and uncomfortable on the floor playing with Evie in her room. I decided to bring her into my room to watch some night time tv before bed. She's always all over the place on the bed. It's like I put her in a bounce house or something. But we also get the best cuddles then. At one point last night she was sitting up and she grabbed my right hand and just held my hand for a significant amount of time. I've never wanted so badly to have a camera - any camera - within arm's reach. I just wanted a picture of her tiny little hand holding mine. I held her and I just thought about what an amazing little girl she is - how much I can't believe she's mine. I don't know what I did - or maybe I really just am blessed - to have this sweet baby. I love her more than I ever could have imagined. I can't wait to see her this afternoon. To hold her and kiss her and play and make her laugh. Being a mom is more than I thought it could be. If my entire life's purpose is to be a mommy to my sweet girl, then that's completely OK by me.

I can't believe how intense my baby fever is right now. I want to be pregnant yesterday. Of course my lovely friend AF reminded me today that I am, certainly, not.

Evie's at this stage of transition. Her sleep is unsteady, her naps unsteady, cognitive and emotional jumps abound. But one thing that has been static is how much she needs her mommy. Whenever I'm around, if anyone else has her, she makes it clear that she wants MOM. In the middle of the night, amidst screams and tears (for reasons unbeknownst to us) I had to go to the bathroom. Andy had her, and the second I came back in she was trying her best to climb into my arms. I rocked her in the glider which she hasn't let me do in ages.

I love how much she loves me. I love being needed. And I feel good about life. We've got a pretty solid routine down that's working pretty well for us. And I miss having a teeny, tiny baby around. I'm still not sure I'm ready to give up one on one time with Evie, but.. I just miss her tiny fingers and toes. I miss her falling asleep on my chest for hours. I want that again.

We're committed to waiting until late summer/early fall to talk about a baby 2. but I can think about it and yearn. I'm not sure where love for the new baby would go in my heart as consumed as I am by Evangeline. But It has to go somewhere, right?

My Baby...

... turned into a little girl, and didn't give me time to process it.

We had an amazing weekend together. Every moment with her is something I cherish. I love everything she does (OK except maybe the whiny thing) and we had some fun times. She had a blast at swimming since the water was finally warm enough to go. My parents are considering buying a boat (they live basically on a lake) and I hope they do it. E would have to wear her little life jacket but I think she'd love being on a boat. We put one on her at swimming (a life jacket, not a boat) and she actually liked it. She was kicking and laughing and splashing away.

We also went to a park and went swinging. We had tons of play time and I brought her in bed to "cuddle" and watch tv. Since she's not sick, this cuddling consisted of her standing up in bed and falling because it's lumpy every 4 seconds. But it was oh so cute.

And then last night after her bath I took some pictures. I got this cute one of squish nose scrunch face:

And then I took this one (I just stuck the camera out and hit the shutter. I couldn't see anything, hence being cut off).

When I looked at it my heart shattered into a million pieces. My baby doesn't look like a baby. She looks like a little girl!! But also, my GOD she's beautiful. How did I do this? How did WE do this? And once again, THANK YOU embryologist who picked this particular egg and sperm! You couldn't have known what exactly you were making, but here it is. Perfection.

I don't love to talk like that... it feels arrogant. But... I just... I can't put it into words how I feel about my daughter. She's perfection in my eyes. She really is. And I love her more than I ever thought possible. I hope she grows up seeing how much I love her. It would be hard to miss.

Updates!

Things have been moving along rather boringly in our household. We've had a few issues with plumbing, and Andy still can't find a job, but we're dealing and doing the best we can. My anxiety disorder has been a lot more under control than normal lately, and I think I'm finally making progress. And I'm starting to deal with the whole hover-mom issue. Unfortunately, while I'm ready to get started on a baby S2, husband isn't quite there yet. E's teething and Saturday was a mess. She wouldn't sleep and was so cranky all day. I feel so bad for her because her gums are so swollen and I can feel the tooth pressing down. We're planning on waiting until Winter anyway, but I hope he is ready by then. He has days where he's totally on board and days where he questions things. I know he wants more kids, but we can't wait 2 more years to try. I just don't want to take chances with my kidneys going on that long. He knows that, and is OK with it, but hopefully he'll be even more Ok with it in the coming months.

There are days when it's incredibly difficult to NOT be Ok with it. Like when we have fantastic weather and do photo shoots with Evie outside. These photos did not turn out as well as I'd hoped because of the direction of the sun and I couldn't get any wide-eyed shots, but that's OK. I totally wish they made this dress in my size.

And then there are days when she's stuck in the car for 2 hours and loses it at the end. Like the photos below when we went to DC. She was sooooo good right up until the last 20 minutes of the drive. She really is a great kid.

Here she is kissing the "other" baby.

And being generally beautiful.

I feel like I really lucked out with this angel of a child. She has rough days here and there, but she's usually just a peach. I couldn't love her more. I just couldn't. Except that every day I do.

Seconds

I want another baby. I do. I've said it. I guess right now our official title would be "WTTC" for at least 7 months until we're done trying Cellcept for my kidneys. But I can't help but thank about it constantly. Some strange, masochistic part of me is excited about cycling again. We'd be doing a FET so I can only hope it would be a bit easier than a fresh cycle. I miss the feeling that there is a REAL possibility that a baby is growing in my uterus.

Last night Andy was talking about how he thinks we can convert our guest room into a bedroom. Maybe I was being dense, but I said "why?". He explained that we could have another baby and it would have its own room. So I know he's fully on board with more babies. He'd like to wait until Evie was 3, but I think waiting until she's around 2 is OK for him. He knows we're still not "normal" folks and have things like my kidneys to think about.

It's sad that Evie's growin up so fast. I'm so incredibly proud of her. She's getting her point across much more effectively now, and her vocabulary has expanded to include "mama, mom-mom, (yes she knows the difference) dada, hi, no, kitty, yay, baby, Gil, (her Bubble Guppy) and bob-bob (a bottle)". But I can't help but miss the tiny baby that slept on my chest. The other day she wasn't feeling well so I tried to get her to nap with me in the bed and she refused. It's rare that I can get her to slow down enough for solid cuddles (so I relished it when all she wanted was to lay in bed and watch tv when she was sick on Tuesday). We're not ready financially yet, but we will be soon. We own our house and all our bills are paid, we just need to pay down credit cards.

And there's always the lingering feeling of guilt about having 3 babies in the freezer waiting for their chance, and the thought that I might not get a chance to use them all, and what then?

Having a second baby is a lot to think about, but it's something we both want, and it's been on my mind pretty much constantly. Every time I see a pregnant woman I miss it. The feeling of my sweet baby moving around in there, always reminding me she's there. And, what I never thought about before having her, but seeing what she looked like for the first time! I mean with the diversity of genes any number of possibilities could come out, but we got our gorgeous Evangeline. Will her sibling look like her, or not at all? Who knows?

All I can say for sure is I want this. I'm going to call Shady Grove soon and set up an appointment to discuss a FET cycle and see what they say. They might even say "no" given my kidney problems. But I want to know, and I want to try. So come Fall, we'll be on our way to cycling again and making a Sterlachini + 2. So I guess I'll have to change the blog name. But either way, I'm excited, and I can't wait to get this show on the road.

And for now, the escapee being cute: