This is not so much a fertility post as a spiritual post.

For the last... wow. Year? Two?... almost as long as I can vividly remember, I've been doubtful. Because I've been so unhappy. My family has had a difficult few years. In July of 2008 my dad got very sick. He went to the hospital with horrible pains in his back and they sent him home and told him to use a heating pad, despite my parents begging for an MRI. They ended up going back and forcing the hospital to do the MRI and they found a spinal abscess and sent him into emergency surgery. He came out alive. Thank God.

In November of 2008 my mom went to the doctor because she'd been having pains she thought were indigestion. They did a scan of her heart and found a near-total blockage in one of the main arteries. She went to the hospital immediately and miraculously got a stent put in. She was told she could have had a heart attack at any time, and it would have killed her. She hasn't had any problems since.

In January of 2009 I met Dr. Choi for the first time. I had been diagnosed with IGA Nephropathy the previous September, and he finally got to sit me down and explain what it meant and how it would affect me. Over the next few months we tried medications but found out they weren't helping and my kidney function was declining. Fast. He wanted to put me on steroid therapy, and with my wedding coming up and us wanting to try for a baby I was terrified. He said that without it, he couldn't guarantee me 5 years before I needed a transplant. So I did the treatment and found out in December of 2009 that my kidneys were stable. I go back for a followup from 6 weeks after the end of treatment this week.

In December of 2009 we did blood work on my husband and found out that his hormones were off. An MRI revealed in January of this year that he had a tumor on his pituitary. Further testing showed it would be impossible for us to have a baby without medical inervention. We were scared because Dr. Choi had told us to have a baby right away. We found a Dr. for Andy who started him on Dostinex, which is working. The hormones secreted by his tumor are back to normal, and the suppressed testosterone is getting higher. He goes back for more testing and to see if the tumor has shrunk next month.

We don't have any certanties right now. My kidneys might not be fully stable. Andy might not go back to "normal" like his doctor has promised. But I know this.

My dad would have died from a heating pad on a spinal abscess. My cousin had a hunch that it was not just muscle pain and made him go back to get the MRI. My dad is still alive, and that's a miracle.

My mom would have died from a blockage in her heart if she hadn't finally decided to see a doctor. I think her artery was 99% blocked, but she didn't have a heart attack. My mom is still alive and that's a miracle.

Andy and I are still waiting, but last time we checked my kidneys had vastly improved, and his tumor had vastly improved, and I don't know if I'd call thos miracles, but we're so lucky.

And all this time I've been so mad at God for "letting" these things happen to us. I've been so angry and yelled and cursed and skipped church because I blamed him. And right about now I'm feeling like a total asshole, because all this time I've been angry that we had to wait. That we didn't get exactly what we wanted when we wanted it. And all this time I've been missing the miracles I've witnessed first hand. I don't know how I could have doubted when I know these miracles to be true. I know that it can happen. I've been contemplating not even trying because the chances were so low. And where is my faith in God then? Where is my belief that miracles can happen? How can I expect him to bring a miracle to us when I just go through the motions? My prayers haven't been from my heart and my joy and trust and faith haven't even been real. I waste so much time being so negative and so untrusting, and I haven't deserved the gifts he has. I feel like I have finally figured it out in my heart. That I know what I have to do and what I've been doing wrong. I won't say I won't be angry and upset if my tests come back less than perfect. But this time I won't lose my faith. This time I will trust that God has a reason, and that even if we do need IVF or even if we have to wait a while... God is going to bring us our heart's desire. And I can't be mad when I hear of other people's blessings. I can't be so selfish as to hope my friends don't get their little blessings. Because as hard as it is, I know God will bring us ours when it's time.


Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I'm feeling a little better today as I think we at least have a plan. I talked with Andy about getting his test results. He's so positive, and while I'm glad he is, I'm afraid he's going to get his little heart broken, and I don't want that. We're going to wait and see what the results are and formulate a definitive plan from there. I think if they are very bad we will consider IVF directly, and if they're not, we will give it a few more months. This also depends on the results of my test. I did a 24-hour urine test and if the results come back ok/better then we will be pretty comfortable with giving his medicine a little more time, but if it comes back worse then we're going to have to start ASAP. So many things rest on so many test results. I guess mine is really the biggest one for right now. It doesn't matter as much how good or bad Andy's tests come back if mine are bad. i'm so nervous, but I should have those back by the end of the week. I am hoping and praying they are better.

I just read a study about men with pituitary adenomas on Cabergoline (dostinex). It said that the majority of patients went completely back to normal within 6 months. This was pretty encouraging and I'm now thinking that if my kidneys say we have a little time then I'm ok to give it. The original cutoff date was July anyway, which would be 6 months. But I'm glad to know that Andy's at least open to discussion on moving it up if we both get crappy test results.

And at the VERY least, he's going to make an appointment and we'll have everything we need by the time he goes so that we can sit down with the RE and formulate a real plan. I'm going to try to coerce her into giving me femara so that we have a better chance at least from my side.

I'm driving myself insane. I just have to make it through this week toget my kidney tests back. I should've had results a month ago but I spoiled the test because I was terrified of bad results. It's time to be an adult and face the music, though. This week is going to be the slowest ever.

Waiting. The Story of One Woman's Struggle With Being Driven Insane by the Inability to Plan

Every day I find something new to worry about. Andy has an appointment on April 6th to have some more tests done. While I don't expect anything fantastic, I don't expect anything terrible. Whatever his results are.. I just want to know. Shortly after that I'm hoping to get an appointment with the RE. I want her to put me on medication or at the very least do actual tests to find out if I really ovulate. You'd think I do based on temping and such but I want to be 100% certain. And either way, I want meds. My thought process is that we can use all the help we can get, and if things aren't textbook (28 day cycle, day 14 O) and there is a way to make them textbook, we should do it.

I think there's a part of me that needs to have some control. I need to be DOING something in this process, and the worst part for me is that so much of it is a waiting game. Especially since waiting for Andy's medicine to work could take 6 months! I'm chomping at the bit to get started with a treatment. I feel like the chances of this happening naturally (sort of naturally.. I'm not sure how to count Andy's dostinex) are super slim right now. They're rising each month but I don't know by how much. I think I might go insane before we get his test results. We'll know by the April cycle though. That should start around the 24th of April and if we can get in to the doctor before then we could do something for that one! If not we'll have to wait until the May cycle, which is less than 2 months, but feels like an eternity away.

I'm going to have to take up more photography or watch more tv because letting my mind sit and dwell on things that I can't change is driving me batty. Waiting for results and to start treatment is the worst! I want my baby NOW lol. At least I'm feeling more positive about it. On April 6th we'll have an action plan. Keep trying on our own and tes again in July or try IUI. If we go the first route then in July we'll be trying IUI or moving on to IVF. Either way, I'll have a plan in a few weeks to take us through July, and then a plan to take me to delivering a baby. I need plans. I'd like to think I'm spontaneous but no. I have to plan things. How did I get so disorganized if I like to plan so much!?? I'm honestly ready to make a Vizio flow chart of what to do and when. Like a choose your own fertility adventure novel!!!!

I'm going to start meditating on the chant "I can make it until April 6th" lol.

There are some doctors (see: Lanham, who I'd been seeing for years regarding weird urinary issues, and diagnosed my kidney disease as "Maybe you're just weird") who make you think there is absolutely no hope, and you'd be better off treating yourself with snake oil and bloodletting than spending the money for the 15 minute visit. On the other hand, there are doctors who make you re-think your jaded view of the medical community, and give you hope and faith that good doctors who really care do still exist somewhere out there.

Andy's doctor, Dr. Fenig, is the latter. I spent the weekend trying not to think about the lack of medicines, and trying to deal with the slow progress Andy is making on the tumor-direct medicine alone. He was woken up this morning by Dr. Fenig, who called to tell us he was writing a letter to the insurance company on Andy's behalf to try to get medicines covered to help us. I was shocked when Andy told me. I can't believe he is going through all of this trouble for us. I'm terrified that Andy won't be able to get to "normal" without them. I know Dr. Fenig said he would, but he also trusted that we'd be able to take the steps he asked of us, so I don't know what will happen without the meds. I don't have a lot of time, as I've gone over about 15 times, so that scares me even more. I have all these "what ifs" running through my brain all the time, and Andy tries to help, but he's upset as well. He's feeling to blame for our problems, and I can tell him it's not his fault repeatedly, but he's still upset. He wants this baby too, and it's just... insanely frustrating for both of us that things keep happening to push it back. I'm on day 4. I don't know what things will be like in 2 weeks when it's time to try again, but I don't want to keep waiting. I thought I was doing everything right by getting us both to the doctor ahead of time. Somehow still I couldn't help the things that are happening to us. I hate not being in control of this situation. I HATE having to sit and wait and see if medicine helps, all the while my window closing down on me.

Every month that goes by drives me more and more insane because although we're "trying" it's not even a possibility. Every month gets harder and worse and all I want is to be able to try and have it .. just.. even POSSIBLY successful. Something has to change before I pull all of my hair out and go insane. I can't stand myself for as miserable as I've been lately. As emotional and bitchy as I've been with Andy. And not a single damn thing is my fault or his. So why is this happening? I can't begin to imagine what horrible things we must have done to deserve this. The health problems on top of not being able to conceive. All we want is a child of our own. Why is that so much to ask when drug addicts and convicts and child abusers can have them? WHY CANT WE???

Yep.. I'm in that mood again. I love Andy's doctor, but I hate just about everything else, and I'm losing it. My foundation is cracking and I'm crumbling already. I need something to go right for us. Please.

This post is from Friday, March 19:

Thank you, Aunt Flow, for awakening me unexpectedly this morning (although you were right on time!). My brand new, WHITE satin sheets and I enjoyed the cleaning efforts at 5AM after your wrath. I was supposed to be up at 5AM anyway, and part of me thinks this whole incident was to get me awake enough to stay up, but, as always, I came out on top in the sleep vs. no sleep game, and stayed in bed until 8. I'm regretting this now. I won't have time to get to the MVA to get my tags renewed and the flag off (that was actually cleared up last year anyway). I have to hope I don't get pulled over before I erase this mess from my record!I received a call from the doctor as soon as I got to work this morning. He didn't understand how ridiculous $186 dollars for the prescription was until I reminded him it was EVERY month indefinitely, and that I have kidney disease and my own things to pay for. The doctor decided to go with a new medication, which will help some aspects of the problem but not others. At least it's SOMETHING.

I'm getting my last bit of blood work from the high risk OB Monday. She mostly wanted to know if I was likely to develop more autoimmune diseases. I hope not! But it's best to find out so they know what to expect. Andy is getting more tests next week that should complete our baseline and we should know how to move forward.The good news for me is it seems last month's 40 day cycle was a fluke, which has happened once or twice before. This month was like clockwork. AF 14 days after ovulation. I'm a little concerned about all the pains I'm having in the area. They're not severe or anything, it's just sort of... there. I'm planning on making a regular OB appointment and seeing if she'll do an ultrasound so I know what's going on down there. I'm praying there are no cysts or aything.

Sometimes I wonder why all this stuff keeps happening, like.. maybe God is putting this stuff in the way because I'll die if I get pregnant or something! HOPE NOT! I'm sure I'm being irrational. I hope so!I don't know where we stand for April. I know Andy is definitely improving, but we probably won't be able to get in with the doctor before ovulation time, which should be about 17 days from now. She won't do anything without his test results, so if we are going to start with IUI it would be in May. Who knows, though? We might get lucky in April. I think I'm going to try soy this month and see if I ovulate earlier or get a real +OPK. I still think I ovulate, but I hope the OB will do some more tests to be sure!!Either way, we're moving along. Natural April cycle and we'll see in May. I don't know whether to go by O or by LMP because then we'd still be on March, but by O we'd be in April. I don't know. And only time will tell, but I'm getting tired of dealing with the obstacles insurance is posing. STOP BEING ASSHOLES, AETNA!


UPDATE: New medication was DENIED. Surprised? Me either.

I discovered that I posted two posts on the wrong blog, so I'm going to post them again here.

This is from last Thursday, March 18:

So as it turns out, all of this positivity has gotten me nowhere. The insurance company lied about the meds. It's not "either free or 30 dollars". It's $186 EVERY month indefinitely, and we can't afford it. So DH won't be getting his meds and I guess we won't be getting our baby.EFF EVERYTHING.

Water. Lots of Water.

Copious amounts of water (and/or tea) leads to rude middle-of-the-night awakenings. Just one more thing I can only hope baby appreciates. I'm really trying to get healthy! Last night I forwent House for a dip in the pool... or a 45 minute deep water jog session, as it were (Ok, that was all for me. I love the water). i'm currently eating home made fried rice when there are chicken cheese steaks downstairs with gloppy cheese and mayo! It's ok, though, 'cause my body is a soon-to-be home for a mini human and I need to support her the best that I can! I have actually had a serving of vegetables today, and it's only 1:30. The other day I had 3 servings of fruits (who am I!?).

Alright, alright. It's not ALL for baby. It will be cool to wear whatever I want and not get winded walking up one flight of stairs. But most importantly, I need to be healthy for baby's health, and, by default, my health. I want to be a good role model, too. I don't want my child growing up seeing mommy eating fast food all the time and sitting on the couch with bags of cheese curls. I plan to enroll in some sort of mommy-and-me tumbling class when my baby is old enough. I want to start with the RIGHT habits right away, and that starts with me. Right now.

I don't know how long it will take DH to be able to be considered "fertile". I did hear that the HCG spikes testosterone 2 hours after taking it (holy fast, batman!) and that it is gone within 48. I guess that's why he is taking it every other day.. to keep his testosterone at a high enough level at all times that he can start producing more testosterone on an even keel. With that said, I don't know if we're going to be able to give April a shot or not. AF should be coming in the next few days, and then 17-19 days later, O, so if we ge tthe HCG by the end of the week we'll have about 2 1/2 weeks of it before then. I'm REALLY hoping we get to give April a good ol' college try, but if we're not quite there yet, at least I'll have been working on my nutrition and health and ready to keep it going. I think as I lose weight and get more water and better nutrition, I might have a better, more distinct ovulation. I'm terrified that we'll get Andy up to par and then there will be something wrong with me. Hopefully this helps.

I have to admit it's driving me insane thinking about trying in April and not being able to. I want this child more than anything. I'm having a bad day, but I'm definitely getting depressed thinking that it'll be October, November, December, and I still won't be pregnant and my friends will (not that I don't want them to be, I just want ME to be, too!). And I know that Andy should start getting better right away, and that we put this July timeframe on IVF (which I kind of want to push back to August now that he's got a new medication), which, although scary, has a high success rate... I just... I'm scared. I will do anything to have this baby. There have been times when I thought I couldn't lose weight or that I didn't want to do an HSG... right now I don't care. I just want my baby, and I know that losing weight and getting healthy is going to help. If Andy can give himself shots in the leg every other day, I can say no to fatty, caloric foods. We're both doing our part. I'm hoping and praying and WORKING for this baby. I want her here as soon as possible. I'm still hoping for April or May or June. We'll do what we can, and until then, keep working towards the best possible me.