Now I'm starting to get REALLY nervous. I got a massive amount of CM, but I don't know if it was watery or not. I couldn't tell. The problem is if I don't ovulate soon, I won't get my period soon, and I'll be in Wisconsin when I'm supposed to be getting day 3 bloodwork. This is going to push me back a whole month! This is aside from the fact that we have been so excited to try this month... if I can't even get the bloodwork done it's going to be another let-down. I mean.. chances are I won't be at the right weight until March anyway, but I'm just scared they're going to say "Now that we have the blood work, we'll take this month to come up with a plan" and I won't get started on BCPs until April. That wouldn't really be so bad but I'm just nervous something else will happen the longer we wait. I just want to start the process and I hope that we can. Please cooperate, body. I want this baby!!

Well, still no signs of impending ovulation. It's upsetting because I've put so much faith in this month... so much hope. And without ovulation there will be no baby. I suppose it's less disappointing than it cold be since we're already planning on IVF, but I hope it doesn't mean my hormones are totally screwed when I do my Day 3 bloodwork... if I get a period, which is questionable without ovulation. It's been a strange cycle, and my pregnant co-worker says I need to test if it doesn't come soon. I'm only on day 18, but people do ovulate early occasionally. It doesn't look like it from my temps, but I had spotting mid-cycle which I've only had once. And it wasn't just spotting.. it was dark CM for 2 days. The other time it was one tiny spot once. It could be because I ran out of Synthroid for a few days, too, but.. I guess time will tell. My uterus feels weird and I hope that doesn't mean something is wrong. I really want to ovulate... I want to have a chance to have a baby this month and my body is failing me. I'm depressed... and I hope something happens soon. I want that hope back.. the 2WW. *sigh* I guess only the next few days will tell.

My diet has been going extremely well! I know it's only been 3 days now, but I feel great. The plan is similar, but the differences seem to be helpful. I am definitely eating enough and I didn't feel like I was on older plans. At the same time, I feel like I'm eating better foods, and I'm not overeating. Yesterday I made a casserole that I got 4 meals out of and I put them in individual containers in the fridge so I could grab them and go. I also cut up chicken for fajitas and cut up individual portions of chicken that I can oven-fry in a couple of minutes for dinner. I'm really excited about it honestly. Now I have to split my beef up into hamburgers and stuff for lasagna which I plan to make maybe on Sunday to get meals for the week out of. I know I'm losing weight already, and I feel better, too.

I talked to my nurse this morning. We're doing day 3 bloodwork next month and they're going to weigh me. I don't know if I can lose the weight by then - it should be about 3 weeks from now. But we'll see. If not, I should definitely be there by March, so if she takes my weight and it's too high, I'm going to tell her I've lost most of it and ask if we can plan on starting the next month. I hope she says yes. I don't want to have to wait until April to start just because I need to get weighed in March. If we go ahead planning on a March start I should be OK. I have a business trip in April and I'll need to get someone else to go out there if I'm going to be stimming or doing retrieval and transfer then. I think actually if we start in March the trip falls right about when I'd be doing retrieval or transfer, but if we start in April I'll still be on BCPs.. but I don't care, I want to start in March! I can only do what I can do with my weight. As of yesterday morning I was 279.6 and I need to be 271. I could lose that in 3 weeks, but that's by my scale and I think theirs will weigh me higher because I'll have clothes on and stuff. Hopefully if I'm 273 or 274 they'll say I'm close enough and assume that in the next month (February is a testing month) I 'll be ready to go for March. They're strict but I really don't want to waste a month on 3 pounds!! Time will tell. I'm excited!

Having a "long" cycle is driving me nuts. I put it in quotes so as not to send the ladies out there with longer or nonexistant cycles into fits of well-deserved rage. I guess a better way to put it is "I hate everyone that has a 28 day cycle and ovulates before day 14". I think I'm just nervous this cycle. I'm not convinced I've really been ovulating on the prednisone, and I just want to see signs that I am. I went through my cycles and it seems I generally get good CM starting on day 15-17 and O about 3 days later. This is really not bad, but I guess because I'm hyping this cycle up so much I feel like the last 12 days have been an eternity, and I keep hearing after day 18 your egg quality goes down! I am afraid that I'm hyping it up so much that I'm going to be extremely disappointed if I'm not pregnant. I was thinking about that this morning. I know chances aren't great that we'll get pregnant. But I keep telling myself that with good timing and stuff we could have a shot. And I know if I get my period I'll want to cry. And Andy will want to cry. But at least we know that if these next two months don't work we'll get to do the IVF and have a REAL, good shot.

Andy asked me the other day what our chances were this month. I told him probably about 5%. If a normal couple is 20%, and we have issues, I think that's fair. I suppose it might even be a little higher than that. But I'm an optimist so 5% is still a chance. People have overcome greater odds before. I also joined weight watchers again. They re-vamped their program to focus on different aspects of nutrition, so rather than counting calories their points system looks at carbs, fat, fiber, and protein. Higher carb foods are a higher points value now. But you also get more points. I put together this fantastic plan for a day of food that included:

• 2 egg whites, 3 slices of turkey bacon, 1 piece of toast with jelly and margarine spray, and a cup of grapes
• A tuna salad sandwich, 2 more egg whites, and some carrots with light ranch dip
• Cottage cheese and applesauce (do other people do this??)
• Broccoli chicken divan over rice
• Edy's ice cream

I mean.. that's a good amount of food! And it was within my points with 1 left over. I think I can definitely stick to a plan where I get to eat that much. It's just going to require cooking meals, measuirng things, and waking up with enough time to eat breakfast. But I want this baby, so I will do this. Plus I spent $50 on the plan. My friend who is also dealing with infertility (another negative - they started in June, and there is a chance her endo tumor is growing back :() is on the program as well so we're going to support each other. So while this cycle FEELs like it's been 4000 years, I know it hasn't, and I'm going to throw myself into eating better to get my mind off of it. We're on our way to IVF and I'm excited... what better motivator?

You never really think you'll miss peeing all over yourself until you don't do it for a while. Yes, peeing in the tiny little cups I use to dip my OPKs in usually results in me peeing all over myself. I've come to think of urine as more of a serum of life than a puddle of waste products. Why? Well, because having it means my kidneys work, and it's the first place I'll go to find out I'm carrying a baby. How bad could it be, right? In any case, on day 11 my OPK was negative. I expected as much, but having taken soy I wanted to be certain my generally late ovulation didn't come early. My ovaries have been hurting like crazy. I get a lot of pain on and off on most months, but today has been nuts. My boobs hurt and both ovaries hurt. They feel swollen and I'm really hoping this means I'm growing some good eggs. My husband is still ready for all the action once I get my +OPK, and I'm prettying myself up for him so we can start getting it on in the next couple days as I enter my "fertile period". I am very excited for this month. Perhaps there will be multiple targets, and, with more sperm than usual, more of a chance that one little sperm can find an egg. We'll see.. but I'm looking forward to it.

It looks like we might be getting some money back on our tax returns this year. This makes me very happy. We both are in dire need of a vacation from all the stresses of our lives, so we decided to go to Chicago for a while in July. My husband is an avid baseball fan and he's in love with the Chicago White Sox, so I decided that we were going there to see them play. It's not a full week or anything. We'll probably leave late afternoon on Wednesday and come home on Monday night. But we still get 4 full days in Chicago to see some games and explore and hang out together. We're hoping to have a third along for the ride. Andy deserves something good. He tries so hard to be everything for me. He deals with my OCD. He moves the bookcase clutter after I only tell him once that I hate bookcase clutter. He calls me 6 times on his day off and tells me he misses me when I come home. He tells me I'm beautiful pretty much every day.. and no matter how un-beautiful I'm feeling. We fight... sure... but I never ever feel unloved and unappreciated. He works his ass off at home.. cleaning everything because I get so tired. He works his ass of at work. He's just a great guy and I'm so happy to have him. He deserves this. And I'm going to be very happy if we can pay for it with tax returns! It'll be so nice to have the tickets bought and the hotel booked. I can't wait to see his face when he enters US Cellular for the first time. And, of course, he puts his hand on my belly and promises his baby he'll bring him back when he comes out. I hope we're pregnant by then. But no matter what, we deserve to have some fun!!

Well, I'm not dead. I was pretty sure I might be when I tried my temperature last night before bed and it was 91. I tried both thermometers. And I went to sleep hoping I wouldn't be ravenous for brains or anything. When I awoke and took my temperature it had risen to 96 something. I'm pretty sure dead people's temps dont rise, so I've reached the conclusion that I am, in fact, still alive. I may not have been when I checked last night, but something has happened since then.

I also received a call from my nurse today. I wonder if she knows how I've longed to hear her voice? Well she needs everything in writing before they write up a plan, and I still need to lose 14 pounds, so we're probably going to have to wait until March for the IVF. In the mean time we're trying to decide if a February natural cycle is the way to go or if we should give an IUI a shot just to see what happens. We're undecided. But either way I must lose the weight by March to start the IVF. If it works, we're looking at a late December baby... and I really don't want my baby to come on Christmas! So hopefully the timing will work out so the baby is born in mid-December. I'd much rather have this work and have a Christmas baby than not, though, so if Christmas it is, then bring it on!

In the mean time, we'll be taking friends' advice and trying "the old fashioned way" at least for now. And I have no complaints there. For now? A nap.