So I have this coworker who is amazing. I knew she'd struggled to conceive and had miscarriages and ended up adopting a baby last year, but I didn't know much about it. Two days ago another coworker told her about my HSG because I was nervous and she knew other coworker had had one. So coworker asks me to go to lunch with her and we do. She talked to me about all of their struggles - how they'd been told they wouldn't conceive naturally, but they did, and then lost the baby. They didn't want to do heavy intervention so they started the adoption process, but then got pregnant again, and the miscarried again. She talked to me about the feeling of loss, and dealing with pregnant women around you. She was open about how she couldn't face baby showers or look at a pregnant woman. She let me vent about how everyone here is pregnant so easily, and she understood. I mean REALLY understood what it's like to watch everyone around you - even those who don't want it - get what you want more than anything. She talked about her husband having to come around to adoption, and how she still has some issues talking about certain things despite having a beautiful little boy (who will be 2 in January) through international adoption. She said some of it is easier now that she is a mom, but she really, really got it. She sent me a website just now about women who post real secrets about pregnancy.. feelings of loss and failure. She said she'd be thinking about me on Tuesday.
Sometimes when you're having a rough time, you meet someone, and they change everything. She'll never know I wrote this, but thank you anyway, Margaret. You don't know how much your support means to me.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Must. Stop. Reading. HSG Stories.
Seriously. I am driving myself way past insane. Why can't my brain just accept that there's no way to know how it will go until I do it? I think I'm going to tell them how nervous I am and ask if they can tell me what they're doing as they do it. And beg them not to use a tenaculum. And... Xanax. My new best friend.
I'm trying to think about Christmas and that by the time it comes the HSG will be long past done. They told me we were to have protected intercourse this month, though. I found that odd, but I suppose there's a reason.
The high risk OB hasn't called, so I really need to just call tomorrow to schedule an appointment.
I am freaking out. Dammit.
Seriously. I am driving myself way past insane. Why can't my brain just accept that there's no way to know how it will go until I do it? I think I'm going to tell them how nervous I am and ask if they can tell me what they're doing as they do it. And beg them not to use a tenaculum. And... Xanax. My new best friend.
I'm trying to think about Christmas and that by the time it comes the HSG will be long past done. They told me we were to have protected intercourse this month, though. I found that odd, but I suppose there's a reason.
The high risk OB hasn't called, so I really need to just call tomorrow to schedule an appointment.
I am freaking out. Dammit.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Well I didn't realize this, but my nephrologist told the high risk ob that he didn't know if the prednisone would work at all, and that if it did, the results might not be maintained. She's supposed to call me this week. I think I'm just going to call and make an appointment with her. I want to talk to her about the risks. Right now is going to be the best time for us to try the IVF. I've spent months trying various treatments, and there's no way to say if another treatment would work, so I want to do this while my kidneys are still filtering. I need to find out what the risks are to the baby, but I still think it's due to lower blood protein and mine is close to normal, so I want to see if we could work something out to make sure the baby is healthy. I don't care if I have to give myself extra shots. I'm going to get all the information and tell her that I want to go through with the IVF ASAP, and hopefully she'll say it's OK.
I also talked to a coworker today about infertility. She was able to conceive twice, but lost both babies and went on to adopt. It was weird having someone to talk to who actually understood exactly what I was talking about. She also told me her HSG sucked, and she didn't even get to the dye because she had a blockage right at the beginning. I really want the HSG over with!
I keep having delusions of a January BFP... but maybe it'll happen! If not, I'm really hoping to go to IVF in February. I didn't get to do the 24 hour urine because I got my period, but I'm going to do it this Sunday, so maybe I'll have good news there, and if not, I'm going to talk to the high risk OB about what we can do to get and stay pregnant and keep me and the baby healthy while dealing with the protein. It's been done before so we can do it. I'm trying, still, not to be negative and to be hopeful. I want this so much.
I also talked to a coworker today about infertility. She was able to conceive twice, but lost both babies and went on to adopt. It was weird having someone to talk to who actually understood exactly what I was talking about. She also told me her HSG sucked, and she didn't even get to the dye because she had a blockage right at the beginning. I really want the HSG over with!
I keep having delusions of a January BFP... but maybe it'll happen! If not, I'm really hoping to go to IVF in February. I didn't get to do the 24 hour urine because I got my period, but I'm going to do it this Sunday, so maybe I'll have good news there, and if not, I'm going to talk to the high risk OB about what we can do to get and stay pregnant and keep me and the baby healthy while dealing with the protein. It's been done before so we can do it. I'm trying, still, not to be negative and to be hopeful. I want this so much.
Friday, December 3, 2010
I got approval to do the HSG, and since it's Day 1 of my cycle, I called my nurse to see if we could schedule it for this month. She might want to get the document from the doctor first, but I got it in an email so I could show it to her. I want this over with! Unfortunately, there was one more interesting tidbit in the email:
"I am not sure we will see a great response with the urine protein, but my fingers are crossed."
WTF? Why would he add that in there? I guess because I sounded very positive in my email saying "We will start WHEN the protein goes down". Yes, Dr., I know it might not work. You've never said it would, and I know that you can't guarantee anything, but you also don't have to re-open a wound and throw salt in it. I'm trying to be hopeful here. But now I'm thinking "Well sure it worked last time, but maybe changing up the protocol was a bad thing! Maybe we should've done it the same way again!". I thought higher sustained doses would be better. So far it's not... what if it was stupid to change it up!?
So then I go on to think "Ok, so my insane blood sugar, constant needles and finger-pricking, extra-hairy face (because it wasn't hairy enough already), and fucked up periods are all for NOTHING?". I'm TRYING not to think that way because I know it's possible it will work. I know it took a long time last time. I know he has hope. But... I just don't need to be reminded that it might not. Why would he add that in there? Perhaps he thought I wasn't depressed enough about the situation? I just needed a little extra reminder that I might never have a child.
The problem is, I really don't know where to go after this. Do we give up and try on our own for a little while? Do we find a new RE who might be willing to help us? Do we try another 6-month kidney program? Because the first two haven't been hard enough? I don't need to make another tough decision like this. I want something to work out right so I don't have to choose between sucky and suckier.
So, of course, I texted Andy. I expected him to be asleep since it was pre-8AM, but he was up, and he called me right away. He said that my doctor is great at doctoring, but not at.. people-ing. That he understands that he wants me to know this isn't guaranteed, but the way he says it is very negative, and that we already know, so he really doesn't need to say it again. He promised me we'd have a baby together with all the faith and hope of someone who hasn't been going through infertility for over a year. And he's either a fantastic actor or he really believes it. I love my husband.
I was telling myself this morning that we'd start the adoption process if I wasn't pregnant by 32. I turned 30 Nov. 22, so that's 2 years from now. Even if we do go through another 6 month treatment, that'll give us over a year to try IVF cycles, trying on our own.. whatever we want. I know 2 years is going to fly by, and hopfully I'll have a baby way before then. But at that point, after 3 years of dealing with IF, I think it'll be time. I'll have tried everything there is to try (since I'm going to IVF the second I can).
Before I jump that far ahead of myself, however, I do have some plans. I have said before that I can't sit here and complain if I'm not doing everything I can for myself. And Andy can't promise me we'll get our baby if he's not doing everything he can. And we have a lot we can work on. Whether we go IVF or natural, we both have weight to lose. And if I can get under 230, I have another RE who is willing to help me. But either way, losing weight might help my fertility, so I HAVE to get back on my diet. I need to anyway, because I need to be 271 to do the IVF. I should be exercising, too. I should be taking my fish oil for my kidneys and I'm not doing a very good job. So I need to take that correctly. I need tot ake my cholesterol meds right, too, so they actually help me. I need to look into LDL apheresis too, since it can help so much while I'm not on meds. Normalizing my cholesterol is a big thing, so I'm going to see a cardiologist. And Andy needs to take his vitamins and stop complaining about it. Some of them can improve his count and morphology, and I'm going to force them down his throat if I have to. He wants this baby, and with everything I'm going through, he can take some damn vitamins. And he needs to get on the healthy eating train, too, so tonight we're going to sit down and talk about all the things we need to do to make this happen.
Finally, we're doing to do it. A lot. If I get this HSG, we'll know my tubes are clear, and that is the last hurdle. With all my other hormones in check, I should be able to get pregnant. We just need his boys to get there somehow. I get super tired and not in the mood a lot 'cause of my meds, but it's just too bad.
So that's it. Yes, I'm wallowing a little and upset. And still hoping to go to IVF in early 2011. But I have backup plans, too. Lose weight, try naturally in the mean time, get my cholesterol under control, get my HSG, get Andy on vitamins... there's a lot more I could be doing, and it's about damn time I do it. I'm taking my life back into my own hands. I WILL MAKE THIS PREDNISONE WORK! I WILL MAKE MY KIDNEYS WORK! Everything I'm referring to will help my kidneys AND the baby process. So.. whether we do IVF (YES WE WILL!) or we get pregnant naturally, I WILL HAVE A BIOLOGICAL BABY!
"I am not sure we will see a great response with the urine protein, but my fingers are crossed."
WTF? Why would he add that in there? I guess because I sounded very positive in my email saying "We will start WHEN the protein goes down". Yes, Dr., I know it might not work. You've never said it would, and I know that you can't guarantee anything, but you also don't have to re-open a wound and throw salt in it. I'm trying to be hopeful here. But now I'm thinking "Well sure it worked last time, but maybe changing up the protocol was a bad thing! Maybe we should've done it the same way again!". I thought higher sustained doses would be better. So far it's not... what if it was stupid to change it up!?
So then I go on to think "Ok, so my insane blood sugar, constant needles and finger-pricking, extra-hairy face (because it wasn't hairy enough already), and fucked up periods are all for NOTHING?". I'm TRYING not to think that way because I know it's possible it will work. I know it took a long time last time. I know he has hope. But... I just don't need to be reminded that it might not. Why would he add that in there? Perhaps he thought I wasn't depressed enough about the situation? I just needed a little extra reminder that I might never have a child.
The problem is, I really don't know where to go after this. Do we give up and try on our own for a little while? Do we find a new RE who might be willing to help us? Do we try another 6-month kidney program? Because the first two haven't been hard enough? I don't need to make another tough decision like this. I want something to work out right so I don't have to choose between sucky and suckier.
So, of course, I texted Andy. I expected him to be asleep since it was pre-8AM, but he was up, and he called me right away. He said that my doctor is great at doctoring, but not at.. people-ing. That he understands that he wants me to know this isn't guaranteed, but the way he says it is very negative, and that we already know, so he really doesn't need to say it again. He promised me we'd have a baby together with all the faith and hope of someone who hasn't been going through infertility for over a year. And he's either a fantastic actor or he really believes it. I love my husband.
I was telling myself this morning that we'd start the adoption process if I wasn't pregnant by 32. I turned 30 Nov. 22, so that's 2 years from now. Even if we do go through another 6 month treatment, that'll give us over a year to try IVF cycles, trying on our own.. whatever we want. I know 2 years is going to fly by, and hopfully I'll have a baby way before then. But at that point, after 3 years of dealing with IF, I think it'll be time. I'll have tried everything there is to try (since I'm going to IVF the second I can).
Before I jump that far ahead of myself, however, I do have some plans. I have said before that I can't sit here and complain if I'm not doing everything I can for myself. And Andy can't promise me we'll get our baby if he's not doing everything he can. And we have a lot we can work on. Whether we go IVF or natural, we both have weight to lose. And if I can get under 230, I have another RE who is willing to help me. But either way, losing weight might help my fertility, so I HAVE to get back on my diet. I need to anyway, because I need to be 271 to do the IVF. I should be exercising, too. I should be taking my fish oil for my kidneys and I'm not doing a very good job. So I need to take that correctly. I need tot ake my cholesterol meds right, too, so they actually help me. I need to look into LDL apheresis too, since it can help so much while I'm not on meds. Normalizing my cholesterol is a big thing, so I'm going to see a cardiologist. And Andy needs to take his vitamins and stop complaining about it. Some of them can improve his count and morphology, and I'm going to force them down his throat if I have to. He wants this baby, and with everything I'm going through, he can take some damn vitamins. And he needs to get on the healthy eating train, too, so tonight we're going to sit down and talk about all the things we need to do to make this happen.
Finally, we're doing to do it. A lot. If I get this HSG, we'll know my tubes are clear, and that is the last hurdle. With all my other hormones in check, I should be able to get pregnant. We just need his boys to get there somehow. I get super tired and not in the mood a lot 'cause of my meds, but it's just too bad.
So that's it. Yes, I'm wallowing a little and upset. And still hoping to go to IVF in early 2011. But I have backup plans, too. Lose weight, try naturally in the mean time, get my cholesterol under control, get my HSG, get Andy on vitamins... there's a lot more I could be doing, and it's about damn time I do it. I'm taking my life back into my own hands. I WILL MAKE THIS PREDNISONE WORK! I WILL MAKE MY KIDNEYS WORK! Everything I'm referring to will help my kidneys AND the baby process. So.. whether we do IVF (YES WE WILL!) or we get pregnant naturally, I WILL HAVE A BIOLOGICAL BABY!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Apparently I don't know my body as well as FF. I just got my period, making this month technically "normal" at 34 days (I put it down for tomorrow since it's late). And, I may actually be functional because I think if I did O it was probably a day or two after FF said, making this a 12-13 day LP! Weird stuff going on, but I'm glad to have my period. Hopefully by next month I'll have all my documentation so I can do the HSG in January. I hope I hope I hope!
I definitely didn't ovulate. Damn you, solid crosshairs! I know my body. I know I didn't. I don't know if I will, or if I'll just eventually get my period. I hate what the prednisone is doing to the rest of my body.. I hope it starts working on the part it's designed for! I have another 24 hour urine coming up on Sunday, so.. maybe I'll get some good news!? I'm not expecting as much again, but it would be nice. I'm hoping around the third month to see some really good stuff, and this is 9 weeks. I'll be disappointed if it's not looking better, but again, it's still early in treatment.
I decided to stop being a baby, and I asked the nephrologist for a note saying it's OK for me to get the HSG. I want to get that done and in the rearview, so if he gets it to me soon, I could get it done next cycle since I have no period in sight yet. That would be just grand. I just want it overwith at this point. It's my last stumbling block other than the kidneys to getting this show on the road. It would be nice to know there wasn't a blockage, too. Sometimes I still feel like I've got issues in there, so it'll be good to have a clear picture.
I'm SO READY to be pregnant! I'm trying to get myself used to the idea of not starting until March or so, but I really hope we get to start in February. I have a business trip on the 13th and I'd love to be on BCPs then, or at least have a timeframe. That's over 2 months from now, so that's not too much to ask for. Come on, kidneys... heal, guys! You can do it!!!!
I decided to stop being a baby, and I asked the nephrologist for a note saying it's OK for me to get the HSG. I want to get that done and in the rearview, so if he gets it to me soon, I could get it done next cycle since I have no period in sight yet. That would be just grand. I just want it overwith at this point. It's my last stumbling block other than the kidneys to getting this show on the road. It would be nice to know there wasn't a blockage, too. Sometimes I still feel like I've got issues in there, so it'll be good to have a clear picture.
I'm SO READY to be pregnant! I'm trying to get myself used to the idea of not starting until March or so, but I really hope we get to start in February. I have a business trip on the 13th and I'd love to be on BCPs then, or at least have a timeframe. That's over 2 months from now, so that's not too much to ask for. Come on, kidneys... heal, guys! You can do it!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)