I definitely didn't ovulate. Damn you, solid crosshairs! I know my body. I know I didn't. I don't know if I will, or if I'll just eventually get my period. I hate what the prednisone is doing to the rest of my body.. I hope it starts working on the part it's designed for! I have another 24 hour urine coming up on Sunday, so.. maybe I'll get some good news!? I'm not expecting as much again, but it would be nice. I'm hoping around the third month to see some really good stuff, and this is 9 weeks. I'll be disappointed if it's not looking better, but again, it's still early in treatment.

I decided to stop being a baby, and I asked the nephrologist for a note saying it's OK for me to get the HSG. I want to get that done and in the rearview, so if he gets it to me soon, I could get it done next cycle since I have no period in sight yet. That would be just grand. I just want it overwith at this point. It's my last stumbling block other than the kidneys to getting this show on the road. It would be nice to know there wasn't a blockage, too. Sometimes I still feel like I've got issues in there, so it'll be good to have a clear picture.

I'm SO READY to be pregnant! I'm trying to get myself used to the idea of not starting until March or so, but I really hope we get to start in February. I have a business trip on the 13th and I'd love to be on BCPs then, or at least have a timeframe. That's over 2 months from now, so that's not too much to ask for. Come on, kidneys... heal, guys! You can do it!!!!

I think FF was completely wrong about me ovulating. I did have two high temps, but the rest have been in the mid 97s. I'm still well above my coverline, but I was for a week or so prior to "ovulation" as well. I keep feeling pain like my body is trying to ovulate, but it's just not happening. I know this can be a side effect of prednisone, so I'm hoping that's all it is. My cycle was pretty regular last time I was on prednisone, but, even though I took extreme doses 9 days out of six months, my maintenance dose was 35 mg as opposed to 120. Fortunately, I just stepped down to 100mg, and in two weeks I will be down to 80, then two weeks later 60, then 40. Hopefully by January I'll be getting a pretty normal cycle again. I'm hopign those 5mg don't make a huge difference. I know things will some how resolve themselves, but I'm growing so impatient. Especially with this baby shower coming up. I'm so not excited to see all the new mommies and babies. I just hope that I get to have one of my own soon. I know everyone will be excited for me so I'm trying to power through this and have a good time and be supportive. I'm trying!! I'm also emailing my doctor for a note to get the HSG, so hopefully that'll be done either this cycle or next, and then I'm ready to go once I get good news. I want to get this show on the road, and I'm scared in the mean time, so.. hopefully things start progressing in a positive manner soon!

Baby shower shopping is not fun for an infertile. I went to Babies R Us and couldn't help but get a little sucked in. I watched people making registries and women with perfect little baby bumps perusing the aisles with teeny tiny outfits in hand. I just... walked. I kept seeing things I wanted to at closer, but I didn't have a reason to and I didn't want to torture myself further, so I stuck to the registry, picked out what I wanted, and left. I went with a "bath" theme, and bought one of the baskets she wanted and filled it with adorable baby robes and towels, bedtime soap and lotion, and then a little ducky sleeper thing with ducks for feet. It was very cute, and it made me a little sad. My coworker has been complaining lately that she's not ready.. that she should've waited, etc. And I'm really not the person she should be talking with about that. But I don't feel so bad because even one of her mommy friends noticed it and said she got herself into the position. It's not that she's not happy... but... if she wants to complain about getting pregnant too fast, I'm just the wrong person to tell.

Still, the baby shower will be nice, and I hope she likes what I picked out. I'm throwing her work baby shower, too, and I'm excited for that now that more people are coming. It's still hard to talk about constantly, but I'm still hopeful that I'll be going through IVF soon and having my own.

I've decided I have to really work on my diet. I need to do everything I can to up my chances of conceiving, and of my prednisone working. I think losing weight will definitely help. I haven't weighted myself in a while, but I know I've been eating horribly, and if I don't want to put on another 30 pounds like last time, I need to start paying attention. I don't think I weigh more than when I started it, but still.. I need to LOSE for the IVF. I think hearing the meds aren't working yet gave me a little of "What's the use?" but I know I can't have that attitude. I know I can help myself by eating better and exercising. It should help my hormones, my blood sugar, and put less strain on my kidneys. So Monday I'm back at it! And going to the damn gym! I am doing another 24 hour urine soon and I want good news this time, so I have to do what I can to help.

This whole process is driving me insane, but it's too early to give up hope. I have to help my body help itself, and that's what I am going to do.

After a few hours of being depressed, I decided to change my outlook a little last night. I made an executive decision that we'll be trying to have a baby the old fashioned way until my kideys either get better or crap out. It's not impossible for us to conceive. I ovulate, and Andy has good swimmers. His count is a bit low, and his morph is 5%, but his motility is fine, and he had over 30million last time. So why couldn't one of those find the egg? It might take longer than a normal couple, but that doesn't mean it won't happen! I know people who have conceived naturally with 1% morph! I need to have more faith in God, and actually give us a chance. We'll still do the IVF as soon as my numbers are OK, but until then, why not try? It might happen! Espcially if it takes longer than expected to start the IVF. Prednisone isn't category D or X or anything. And I'm stepping down my dose next week, and then again at least once (maybe twice) before O.

Do I expect it to work? Maybe. Stranger things have happened. I do still have hope the prednisone will work, that it's just taking a while. Andy's not ready to talk about "what if it doesn't work" yet. So I'm just going to live my life. I'm tired of being depressed and letting my kidneys dictate everything. As I've said before, I do believe in God, and I think things will work out the way he wants them to. I might not like it, and I might love it.. but either way, things WILL work out. And I'm not ready to give up having faith and hope yet.

The doctor called. So far the prednisone is not working. I'm trying very hard not to be upset. It took 3 1/2 months to get positive results last time, and this is a slightly different regimine. But it's very hard, and I'm depressed. My husband is convinced... so much so that he's promised me... that we'll have a baby together. I'm devastated, but trying not to be. I know this might just take some time. I was only on the medicine for 5 weeks when I did the test, and it has to first kill your immune system, which does take some time. I'm going another test not this weekend but next. Hopefully that will show some improvement. That'll be 2 months on the medicine.

I'm a little heartbroken but trying my best to be positive. My husband wouldn't lie to me, and he says we'll have a baby together, so I have to believe him. My doctor is not worried yet. It's hard to be positive, but I'm doing my best. I just want this to work!

I got crosshairs on my FF chart today. It still makes me smile, even if it doesn't "mean" anything. Just to know that something is functioning in there. I'd figured as much yesterday when I hit almost 98 degrees. That's a certain post-O temp for me, so it looked like it happened in a semi-timely manner this month. I'd figured it was on around day 22, but FF says 20. I think it's off, but we'll see when AF comes.

I'm dealing with everything that's been happening the best I can today. I want so much to be a mommy at my next birthday. Or to be an expecting mommy. It's hard knowing it might not happen. That my kidneys just may not cooperate at all. It's very frustrating for me, and the waiting makes it worse. I turned in my 24 hour urine over two weeks ago now and I still don't have results. It's not fair to make me wait like this. I understand that he's busy, and was out of town... but that doesn't make me sitting here obsessing on what could be any easier. I need to know what's happening in my own body... what steps to take, what to expect, if Im' improving at ALL. If I'm not... well.. that could mean the end of the dream of a biological baby, and to withhold that information from me is criminal. I'm angry... very angry. I want to enjoy Thanksgiving and I'm pissed... that this is such a big deal and no one cares but me. If I don't have my results by the end of the day today, there will be hell to pay.

Still no news from the doctor. I finally broke down and called. I hate doing that because they get really annoyed, but I turned in my results a week ago Monday. 9 business days is enough to get a response. Apparently the doctor has been out of town, so that makes sense, but the lab has a history of sending the results to the wrong place, so hopefully when he's back in the office they'll be waiting. I want to know what's going on. My ankles swelled up like crazy yesterday, so that's not good. I am sure it's due to the fact that my diet has been completely in the shitter. I've gained 2.5 pounds back. I think on a subconcious level it's a little bit of "Well I don't know my results, and we're not starting yet, so I still have a little bit of time". But the RE did stress once again that I still have like 8 pounds or something to lose. 10 now I guess! I don't plan to pay much attention to my diet this weekend. It's my 30th birthday on Monday and we're going out all weekend and I plan to enjoy it. I'll get back in the swing on Monday. Now that I'm feeling better and the ancxiety is at least somewhat decreased, I feel I can start working on my eatnig habits again.

I'm not going to do the obligatory turning 30 post, but I'll say it - I expected to be a mom by now. Or at least pregnant. I remember when I got married over a year ago thinking I'd be pregnant by now. And then we were on a forced break until February. And then we started and I was so hopeful. And here we are.. turning 30 on Monday on another forced break. *sigh* I'm scared to be hopeful that I'll be pregnant or give birth by my 31st birthday. All I need is my kidneys to get better and then we'll be doing IVF... a couple of times if needed. I do have hope that it'll work, but I'm scared to get excited about it.

Ironically, the doctor's office called while I was writing this. They were able to get my labs (only after calling Quest Diagnositc for them) so he'll be back in on Monday and hopefully calling me then. That means it'll be good news, right? Since it's my birthday? I hope so. I keep telling myself that last time I was on prednisone the first few results weren't great. It took 3 months or so to get positive results, and this was done after only 5 weeks, so if it's not good news, it might just take more time. Yes, I keep teling myself this. But I don't know how I'll feel if it's actually bad news. The idea of not having a baby because of my kidneys is looming in front of me. I wish we could just be fertile and try on our own, but we're not, and we can't. My fertility future lies in the hands of 3 doctors who, while well-meaning, will never be in my position, having someone else decide something SO BIG for them. And if they say no, we'll be going to a new clinic and starting over. I wont give up on this dream. But I hope my kidneys cooperate and I don't have to worry about it.

For now, I'm going to forget fertility and have a good weekend. I'm going to a happy hour tonight, a bar tomorrow, and a football game and then Cheesecake Factory for my birthday with my favorite people - mom and dad and my brother and sister-in-law. And hubs, of course, who will be celebrating his birthday too since it's a week later. I'm excited, and Christmas always puts me in a good mood. I just hope I get some good news next week to go with it.