I hate when a BFP brings me down. It's not that I'm not happy for the person, but there's always a part of me that thinks "Really!? HOW!?" Sometimes, when someone who has MFI gets a natural BFP, I think "Why can't that be me? Why do they get to have lower morph than us but get a natural BFP?" I know it's horrible, and I feel guilty, but I can't help what goes through my head sometimes. I try not to be so negative but I feel like it should've been enough that I had the kidney disease. Why did Andy have to have MFI too? And what if something else is wrong? I just sometimes feel like it's never going to happen, because I don't have years to keep trying. I have to have approval from doctors to do treatments, and it's so unlikely we'll get pregnant without it. So if I don't get the approval, I don't get a baby, and it's so freaking unfair.

*sigh* OK. I'm going to have to find a better way to deal with this. I think I'd feel better if I had my test results. It's been an entire week now since I turned them in. I'd think as important as this is they would let me know ASAP what the results were. I want to know how my kidneys are doing. This prednisone SUCKS with a capital S, and I'd like to know if it's having any effect at all. On a brighter note, today is the start of week 7, so two weeks from today I get to move to 100mg, then 2 weeks later to 80, then 60, then 40. Thank GOD. But, I also want to make an appointment with the High risk OB, and I want to get our planned straightened out, so I need to know what's going on. I'm tired of getting different plans from each of them. Plus I need approval to do the HSG and I want to get that over with!!!!

All of this worrying is driving me insane. I need to get started with SOMETHING soon!

I'm having a lot of trouble with the baby thing right now. I guess it's because I'm shopping for the shower for honeymoon baby coworker. I just want a baby so much and I'm so scared it won't happen. I don't want to wait 2 months after the prednisone because it might not last that long. And she said before she was OK with me being on it. I just wish I could be normal. I wish we didn't have MFI and I didn't have a kidney problem and we could give trying the old fashioned way a shot.

Still, I looked at my ankles today and I saw so much definition. There was NO water retention. NONE at all. And prednisone makes you retain water and kidney disease makes you retain water. And before I started the prednisone I was getting so much of it. I really hope this is a good sign but I don't want to get my hopes up too much. I don't have any results yet. I want to wait until I hear some results before I make the appointment with the OB. Andy keeps pushing me to make the appointment, and it's cute because it shows how much he really cares. And I do need to see her, I just don't want to hear her say I need to wait 6 months. I don't think I could handle that!!! That'll have been like an 8 month break and that's just terrible! I know my nephrologist REALLY wants to get going as soon as possible, so I'm hoping they can come to an agreement. I hope it's the agreement he already said they had, which is 3-4 months from start. Which means 2-2.5 months from now!

I'm just so excited about being pregnant and being a mommy. I hope the IVF works so much. I want to feel my little one moving around in me and see my belly growing and then hold him in my arms. Ugh.. the waiting is driving me nuts and I want it so much. I really hope things work out. I'm so scared something will go wrong but I'm trying to be positive. We'll be praying constantly and doing everything we can. I'm so ready to get started!

My ovaries are doing something. I don't know what, but something. Both of them have been hurting on and off all day. Not like "Holy crap if I move my ovary is going to explode through my skin" like on day 10, but it hurts nevertheless. I've also been feeling cramps, and I'm not sure what that's all about, but it's not doing anything more than annoy me. At least something is happening. I'd love to ovulate, and I'd particularly love to do it before day 32. Just to know things are still happening in there. The RE asked about my cycles and I told her last month was over 40 days. I asked if it would be a problem and she said no, but it still made me nervous.

She said that if my July day 3 ultrasound was any indication, I should have plenty of eggs available, but I keep seeing people get like... 20 eggs and end up with 1 or 2 for transfer, and that makes me nervous. I hope we can get some good ones. I did discover that my insurance doesn't cover FET, only fresh IVF. It's very weird, but I guess we'll have to pay for the FET out of pocket if we need one. It'll still be cheaper than doing another fresh cycle. I don't know why I'm thinking that way though.. I should be more positive.

I do still have a lot of work to do over the next couple of months on my anxiety and Andy has lots of things to work on too, so I'm glad to have this time, but I still wish we could get started. I know things will never be perfect, and timing will never be exactly what I want, but I do want everything to be as stable for us as possible, and all the crazy things that have happened to us, from the tumor to my kidneys to the infertility have caused lots of emotional things for us to deal with. It's good for us to have some time to work on ourselves so I'm trying to look at the positives.

I really want to get my kidney numbers back though to have an idea of what's going on and what our timeline will be. I hate how long it takes to hear anything! Anyway, we ordered food (again) so it's time to eat!

We had our IVF consult this morning. I was a little upset because she said the last notes she had from the OB said that we were going to wait until 2 months after the prednisone to do the IVF. This was not my understanding from either her or the nephrologist. She did say the notes were from September before we straightened everything out, though, so hopefully it's just a mixup. I'm going to make an appointment with the OB, because I know my nephrologist is under the impression that we're going to start as soon as my kidneys look better. She did go through the whole thing with me and explained how it all works (which I already knew). She won't do the HSG until my nephrologist gives the OK, so I need to contact him about that so I can get it done. So basically we're not moving forward yet, but it seems to be a series of miscommunications.

Andy and I got in a huge fight after the appointment because he was supposed to get his MRI, but he was being a baby and didn't pick up his medication for it. It then came out that he hasn't been taking his tumor medication for two months. Needless to say we got in a HUGE fight. HUGE! The kind where I need to take a nap because I'm so angry and upset. He came to his senses and apologized hardcore, but I really didn't need the added stress. I know he never, ever lets out his emotions about everything we've been through, but he gets really upset about it all and internalizes it and it ends up causing fights like this. I try to give him a bit of a pass because I know how hard things have been, but he was being a giant jerk today. We did have a long talk about it though and we worked some things out that needed to be worked out. That's the one good thing about our big fights... we communicate and get things out and work on things that need to be worked on. And he actually listens once he's done being ridiculous. So things are ok now, but it's been a shitty day. I know everyone that struggles with infertility understands the husband fights. We've just been going through so much and need a break!

There was good news out of today, though. We found out that our IVF is approved through insurance. They already have the OK to start, and the insurance company told them that as soon as they officially filed, they'd have the authorization number and we'll be on our way. I asked her about the 2 year waiting period. Apparently Maryland has a mandate for IVF that if you have endo or MFI, you don't have to wait 2 years. I didn't know that and it's REALLY cool to know that at least one major hurdle is all clear. We got our pricing, too. It's $3500 for the IVF and ICSI, and then they're expecting about $1000 for meds. $4500!!! That's not bad!!! It'll be another $1200 for freezing, but that's OK. She did says she's only going to put 1 embryo in but she expects me to be a good responder and have plenty of eggs. So there's some great stuff that came out of today's appointment, I just need to find a way to get a straight answer from the OB and the nephrologist and have them communicate it to the RE. I'm going to call tomorrow to make the appointment. I really don't mind if we have to wait until Feb. or so. I want to work on this anxiety still, but I just want to know it's going to happen. Andy still says he has no doubts that it'll work out and we'll get to do the IVF, but I'm still nervous. Last time, 2 months after the prednisone my kidneys weren't doing so well, so I'm not excited about that. I'm trying to stay positive, I just want it all straightened out.

I haven't been as obsessed with babies the last few months. I suppose it was because we were only sort-of trying, and I was 99% sure nothing would happen. Plus I was so involved in my anxiety I didn't really want to think about it. I suppose one blessing (or curse?) of my new medication is that I feel a little more like me again, which means... I'm obsessed. Again. It's driving me insane not to be trying. And for this month, though I'll be charting, we'll be TTA. I hate that. But when I went to the endocrinologist she brought up a good point about the prednisone and my insane blood sugar that I honestly hadn't thought much of. My sugar has been spiking up to 350 which is terrible. It's all prednisone-related, but I'll be cutting my dose in 1/3 over the next two months, so that should chill my blood sugar.

I have a baby shower to go to in December, and I'm planning a work shower for a good friend. So far I've been really enjoying it, and I hope that attitude continues. I just keep trying to think that her being pregnant doesn't mean I won't get to be at some point. It seems like a silly thing to have to remind myself of, but sometimes that's how it feels. At least in December we will be doing somthing - a testing cycle. I think anyway. I don't know why she wouldn't do it since they will accept those results for a year, and we should be going forward in January or February. I don't know how my protein is, but I don't think it's low enough yet. This is gross, but I am still getting foamy urine, which means there is still protein. Now it might have dropped, but I don't think it'll have dropped quite enough. That's OK because I want to lose some more weight and work on my behavioral therapy for the OCD some more. It's hard waiting but I know it's best.

I managed to sit Andy down and talk to him a while the other night about all of this. I'm glad he's so positive, but sometimes I think he just assumes we'll just.. do the IVF, have a perfect baby, end of story. While I am hopeful that that's the case, it is possible the IVF won't work. My kidney disease also raises the chances of pre-eclampsia quite a bit. The chances of pre-term delivery are very high for me, and I could be on bed rest. I wanted to make sure he knew that I'm complicated, and even in the best case, this isn't going to be like everyone else's pregnancy journey. He insisted that he understood, that he's ready, and that he's excited. I know he wants this baby, but I know that he's said he could survive if he didn't have one, so I wanted to be sure he wants to deal with everything. I don't think he really understands how all of this works, but I also don't think he admits just how much he wants to have a baby. I've seen him shed a tear over it, which means he wants it more than he thinks he does. His defense mechanism is firmly in place, but I'm hoping things work out so we can be at least a little less stressed than I'm thinking we will be.

To show how excited I am about gearing up for the upcoming appointment (AH TUESDAY!) and IVF cycle, I've been looking at baby stuff again. I've decided that, much to my mom's chagrin, I want a pack-n-play with a co-sleeping insert, so I can keep my baby next to me for the first month or so. I also want a glider rocker for the baby's room. and I'm re-thinking my cloth diapering. Andy doesn't have any interest in those sorts of decisions, so I have free rein. I think he'll have more to say once our child is conceived, but for now I'm enjoying picking things out. I've designed the nursery in my head, too.

I really hope my kidneys cooperate and the IVF works. I hope our insurance covers it (they mentioned again the whole '2 years duration and trying using other covered methods thing, but I think if the RE talks to them we might be able to convince them that in our case, IVF makes more sense than IUI) and I hope we don't have any serious problems. I'm so excited for all of this stuff to start.. I just hate waiting to get it started!

Also, I plan to put my kid in this if it's a boy ASAP. I love sharks. And look at the little hat!!!

OK. I'm ready for a baby already. I know I'm still trying to deal with the anxiety disorder, but... man do I want to be pregnant. I hate that my friends are actively trying and I have to sit on the sidelines. I keep wanting to give Andy that 1 cycle, but I don't want to do it while I'm on the super high doses of prednisone. It's messing with my blood sugar too much. I get to step down to 100mg in the beginning of December and will be at 60 by January, which is a much more workable dose. I guess we'll discuss everything at the appointment on Tuesday. I can't believe we have a real IVF consult on Tuesday!!!! I know it's not a normal one because we can't come up with an exact timeline, but we'll have a "as soon as my kidneys look better" timeline. I imagine December will be a testing cycle. The only test I need (I think) is the HSG, but I'll be on CD11, and I doubt they'll set it up for the next day, so I'll miss the window. I'm not too upset about that lol. I want meds. I know I'm being a baby about it. I know this. But no one but me knows just how sensitive my cervix is (now you can guess, but I doubt you want to). I'm actually a little nervous about the results. I get a lot of weird cramping that I hope is actually normal, but always makes me nervous.

I was thinking today about Andy holding our little one and holding his hand while he learns to walk. I just can't wait. Dont tell Andy, but I actually feel like our first baby will be a girl. I know he wants a boy, but as soon as our baby is born he won't care. He's a little sensitive because he knows it's still very possible we'll only get to have 1 biologically, and he really wants to pass on those genes with the family name. I get that, which is why I'm hoping it's a boy too (if it was up to me I'd want a girl!).

I dunno.. I feel better about things today. I know I'm going to be very complicated with the kidneys and the prednisone stuff, but I have great doctors who know what we're up against. My blood pressure has been a little high lately (damn kidneys) so I REALLY need to stop stressing or my doctor is going to put me on a blood pressure medication. I don't need ANY more things to get in my way. The endocrinologist did say today that my A1C has gone down, and she was amazed that this happened on prednisone, so I'm very excited. She did say that I'm pre-diabetic, so she expects me to have some sugar issues during pregnancy. GREAT. I guess it's important I lose as much weight as possible then, because she also said it's weight-related. At least I'm moving in the right direction. If we can just get to February I think I can lose a significant amount of weight and right the blood pressure and sugar. I want a HEALTHY baby and that requires me being as healthy as possible. I'm doing everything I can. This kidney thing is annoying as crap because without it I wouldn't have the sugar or the bp issues!!! ARGH. Well, we play the hand we're dealt, so.. hopefully the prednisone will work and these things will get better.

I'm ready for my baby!

Mmmmm. I'm sitting here getting ready to head to bed with a warm belly full of tension-tamer decaf tea. It feels good. I actually feel pretty good tonight. After the last two weeks that's quite a relief. I weighed myself (unofficially) this morning and I'm down almost 14 pounds from my highest weight ever. And I'm actually under my "former highest weight ever" lol. As in, pre-prednisone weight. This means I might be pretty close to my goal by my IVF consult on Tuesday. I'm very excited! I wore a sweater today that I couldn't wear in January/February.

I've been thinking more about this medication thing, and I guess I'm still not decided. I'm thinking of sticking with it in the beginning. I still want to be off of it by 20 weeks, because the main side effect is that PPH that comes in the last 20 weeks with SSRI use. I'm going back and forth, but I know I'll make the decision that's right for us. I think it's important to have as little anxiety as possible in the beginning of the pregnancy, so I guess we'll see.

I'm going to track my temp this month and see what's going on and if I have a normal cycle. I didn't get to do my 24 hour urine test because my period came the day before, and that messes up the test. I'm MAD because I really wanted to know this week, but we should know next week.

I'm really hopeful that I will keep feeling good. I don't know if it's the meds or I'm just having a good day, but at least I can see that good days are possible. It's a nice feeling. I know people are going to judge if I stay on my medication for the first 20 weeks, but this is something I'm really trying to figure out. I need to talk to the high risk OB again. I wish she was easier to get a hold of!